bring it on, real world

it is a strange thing to begin to feel like a "grown up," to start the process everyone calls "moving on," and to look at your college room and think, "this will all be in boxes in five months." i have struggled and struggled and struggled with the future, feeling that in graduating college, my life is completely over and at the same time just beginning. i think these are all normal feelings.

lately, i have been learning to trust. i have been learning that the uncertainty surrounding the exact details of my life come september pales in comparison to the certainty of Jesus. i have been learning (once again) that the Lord intends to keep His promises and that He will provide for the things that He has called us to, even though i am just about to begin on this journey of provision. i am learning that it is my joy to do what He asks. i mean, how much better can it get than to do work for the God of the universe? i am beginning to see that Jesus really does call us to lay down everything for Him, and i often wonder if i am truly capable of doing that.

i ask Jesus a lot, "do i have what it takes?" i say to Him, "maybe You should just choose someone else, someone who is more consistent, more spiritual. You know, someone who has it together." and then i remember God doesn't make His choices this way. His work is not determined by application, by resume or by grade point average. it is instead a product of His love and His grace.

i feel blessed to be called by name by Jesus, honored to be part of His family, and excited to begin the journey of doing His work.

two good reads

since it is winter break, i am finally catching up on all the blogs i read regularly but put off during the weeks of final exams and christmas preparations. i read two posts on a blog that i really like to read - called parchment & pen - because it makes me think but isn't so much that i can't understand.

the first is about restoration - "the gift of resoration."

the second is about ministering in our weaknesses and letting others see our messes - "cracked." (this is what i want my life and my ministry to be like.)

so good!

who is christmas for?

in my scanning of blogs today, i read a good article by matt redmond.

"Christmas--the great story of the incarnation of the Rescuer--is for everyone, especially those who need a rescue. Jesus was born as a baby to know the pain and sympathize with our weaknesses. Jesus was made to be like us so that in His resurrection we can be made like Him; free from the fear of death and the pain of loss. Jesus' first recorded worshipers were not of the beautiful class. They were poor, ugly shepherds, beat down by life and labor. They had been looked down on over many a nose...

Christmas is really about the gospel of grace for sinners. Because of all that Christ has done on the cross, the manger becomes the most hopeful place in a universe darkened with hopelessness. In the irony of all ironies, Christmas is for those who will find it the hardest to enjoy. It really is for those who hate it the most."

you can read the rest here.

never had to have a chaperone, no sir

my to-do list for today:

(a) work on the newspaper's mammoth crossword puzzle
(b) play in the snow
(c) read as much as i want
(d) spend time alone with Jesus
(e) bake cookies
(f) play just dance on the wii with emily and will
(g) fill out my camp application
(h) maybe start a family puzzle

i think it's official. i love winter break.

micah 5.2-5

but you, bethlehem ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of judah, out of you will come for Me One who will be ruler over israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.

therefore israel will be abandoned until the time when she who is in labor gives birth and the rest of His brothers return to join the israelites.

He will stand and shepherd His flock in the strength of the Lord, in the majesty of the name of the Lord His God. and they will live securely, for then His greatness will reach the ends of the earth.

and this One will be our peace.

lovely things about today

(1) lauren & bobby are married!
(2) a beautiful Christ-centered ceremony, encouraging reception conversation, and lots of dancing.
(3) a cute dress & roommate time.
(4) decorating the tree with the family.
(5) watching white christmas with emily! exceptional.
(6) on my way to south carolina tomorrow: excited for friends & fellowship & oysters.

better

dear Jesus,

You are better than taylor swift, owning a lot of sparkly things, and feeling like i could have helped every girl in america get through a breakup if only i played guitar well.

You are better than glee, performing, and the showbiz career that i think i might've been able to have had i taken singing lessons young and moved to l.a. at fourteen.

You are better than gossip girl, having everyone talk about me constantly, and thinking i could've worn supremely fashionable clothes to overwhelming trendy events if only i were born rich on the upper east side. (and yes, You are better than blair's headbands.)

You are better than harry potter, being constantly placed in dangerous situations with my best friends, and possessing an intense amount of magic, courage, and love to save everything that is important.

sometimes i don't act like You are more important.
but i wanted to make sure You know that You are.

sincerely, laura

ps. by better, i mean much much much infinitely better.

interesting fact #2

i should be writing a french paper, but i don't want to right now. but i will post something frenchy on my blog.

i love dictionaries. i used to just read them in elementary school. i read them (a) because i really, genuinely liked reading the dictionary, and (b) when it was the right time of year, because i wanted to learn to spell as many words as possible in order to secure a win at the school spelling bee.

since i've grown older, i stopped reading the dictionary as much, since (a) i didn't have time amidst all the other schoolwork and friends and extracurriculars, and (b) it seemed like a pretty lame hobby for a high school or college student to have.

but then, a wonderful thing happened, and i stumbled upon a great new dictionary. a french dictionary for that matter, which is much more exciting because i don't know nearly as many words... so it is more adventurous! this is a french-french dictionary, so the definitions are in french too. and there are pictures! and diagrams! and a dictionary of important people, places, and things! it's le petit larousse illustre, and it's great.

i'm pretty busy, but sometimes i get to read it just for fun.

needing reminding, sometimes

i'm so forgetful
but You always remind me
You're the only one who brings me peace

so i come, Lord, i come

to tell You i love You
to tell You i need You
to tell You there's no better place for me than in Your arms

to tell You i'm sorry
for running in circles
for placing my focus on the waves, not on Your face

You're the only one who brings me peace
in the storm

-united pursuit band

a song for this morning

great is thy faithfulness, o God my father
there is no shadow of turning with thee
thou changest not, thy compassions they fail not
as thou hast been, thou forever will be.

great is thy faithfulness
great is thy faithfulness
morning by morning, new mercies i see
all i have needed thy hand hath provided
great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

harry potter 7.1

for the premiere, i dressed up as the golden snitch.

my roommate lauren was the perfect luna lovegood - quibbler, glasses, and all.

i even had golden snitch earrings.

this is my awesome friend elissa.

i made my costume all by myself, i.e. with lots of help from laura boldt.
david and carlen are TOO fun.

(oh, and the movie was great too!)

[or both.]

-curly girl design.

what i've been up to

taking four classes: african history up to 1800; french literature 1700-1900; justice & reconciliation in post-conflict societies; latin american political systems.

wesley foundation & wesley dance leadership.

working on applying for a teaching assistantship in france for next year. (scary!)

eating chick-fil-a, cleaning out my stuff, praying, hanging out with roommates, and getting plenty of sleep (finally, in my fourth year of college).

getting excited for cold, cozy weather and the holiday season!

visiting family a lot (just because, will & kelsey's fall break, emily's birthday) and tonight i'm going to tuscaloosa with mom & dad to see will perform!

getting excited for the harry potter premiere on thursday night... just wait until you see our costumes!

what i'm trying to say

i love to feel and hate to feel.
i want to know and don't.
in the balancing act of senior year
i'm feel like i'm tumbling
free falling into a world i don't know.

this is not my home
and you aren't either.
(and neither is
compassion or friendship
or love or marriage
or simplicity or settling down
or spontaneity or the open road)

i feel i'm already packing up
putting things in my little heart
hoping i can keep them there.
there;
a place i can't see
and can't explain,
whose fullness knows You only.

You never promised easy
You did promise Your spirit
so where does my loneliness fit?

i listen but i never speak
(talking is harder these days)
i speak but never say
what i really mean.
i say but it never sounds
quite like it did when i said it to You first.

You first;
You second;
You third.

You always hear,
You're never shocked.
but i think You like my sharing
all the same.

i hope You understand me
i hope You know my heart is for You
even when i feel this way.
(when confusion is my echo
and uncertainty is my shadow)
still You are my song
i will sing You in these lonely streets
i will sing You with my windows down
(sunroof open, eyes to the sky)
i will sing You in my loudest voice
i will sing You in my quiet rooms
i will sing You ever, always, now
for You have set my imprisoned heart free
and Your love sets my feet on fire.

i close my eyes and take a breath

perfection has a price
but i cannot afford to live that life
it always ends the same
a fight i never win

oh, control
it's time
time to let you go

there were scars before my scars
love written on the hands that hung the stars
hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

oh, control
it's time
time to let you go

-jj heller, control

from psalm 16

preserve me, oh God
for i take refuge in You
i said to the Lord, "You are my Lord"
i have no good besides You
---
the Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup
You support my lot
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places
indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me
---
i have set the Lord continually before me
because He is at my right hand,
i will not be shaken
therefore my heart is glad
and my glory rejoices
my flesh also will dwell securely
---
You will make known to me the path of life
in Your presence is the fullness of joy
in Your right hand there are pleasures forever

interesting fact #1

[i love small things.]

i love trinkets.

i love picking them up.

i love putting them in tins, or boxes, or jars.

i love thinking of how unique they are.

i love thinking of where they've been and what they've seen.

"be faithful in small things

because it is in them that your strength lies."

-mother teresa

as i was & as i will be

one thing i have been struggling with lately is feeling known. i have often bought into the lie that the people around don't know me and that they don't care to know me either. and though, in my heart, i'm sure this isn't true, sometimes it's hard to believe God. sometimes i'd rather believe the world and the enemy because it seems easier, because it seems it's the way it's all going to turn out in the end. because it seems lonely is just the way it's going to be. because i don't really trust the Lord as much as i wish i could.

yesterday morning as i was doing my quiet time, i was listening to waterdeep. i was thinking about how much the Lord knows me, how deeply and how certainly. how perfectly and how unconditionally. He has never left me alone, He has never refused my friendship. He has never not loved me. in fact, He has loved me since the beginning of time.

"I am the Good Shepherd and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." -john 10:14-15

this verse is ridiculous, in a good way. check it out: as God in heaven knows His only Son, Jesus--the One who was begotten from the same substance as the Father--and as Jesus knew His Father--the One who formed, instructed, led, and guided Him as He did His ministry on earth. in john 10:30, Jesus said, "I and the Father are one." that's some intimate stuff.

wait. that's how the Lord knows me? it seems almost unbelievable to me. i literally opened up my Bible again to check and make sure i didn't get it wrong. the way that God the Father and Jesus Christ know each other is the way Jesus and His sheep know each other. Jesus knows me that much. how could i feel unknown when i have this Guy shepherding my life? not only that, but the verse also says that i know Jesus. i hear His voice because i am His little sheep. (john 10:27)

i am His own. i'm seen and known.

"then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You are a God who sees." (genesis 16:13)

from the fall of my heart
to the resurrection of my soul,
You know me, God,
and You know my ways;
in my rising, in my sitting down
You see me as i am.
-audrey assad, known

my ipod is literally stuck on replay.

jillian edwards's galaxies & such is officially wonderful, at least in my book. i have been listening in the car, in my room while i get ready for my day, and while i walk around campus. her vocals and her lyrics just make me smile. i am not by any means a music critic, but this ep makes me really happy.

it is hard to choose a favorite song because they are all good. i'm being serious. "nonfiction love song" is my top play of the moment; it's clever, catchy, and i can relate. i love "go together" because it's beautiful. i just want that to be what my relationship with Jesus is like - every moment. it's also a song i could totally see myself chorepgrpahing to. "july & june" is just cute and fun.

"like a face in the mirror

i want to see You clearer

i want to be so much nearer

i want to go together with You"

i think it is safe to say that i am in love with this ep.

come in close and speak

child of My love, lean hard,
and let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
in its weight to your unaided strength,
for even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
so i will keep My child within the circling arms
of My Own love." here lay it down, nor fear
to impose it on a shoulder that upholds
the government of worlds. yet closer come:
you are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
so I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
you love Me, I know. so then do not doubt;
but loving Me, lean hard.

-from Streams in the Desert

this devotional is the one from my birthday, but i read it again tonight and felt the Lord really speaking to me in this. there are a few (and by a few, i mean a lot of) things that really stand out to me. first, the Lord actually wants to take my burdens. they are not burdensome to Him as they are to me. the idea that God balanced them in His hands before i felt them reminds me that the things that burdening me are working to shape me, grow me, prune me, and work on me. i love the reminder that the Lord is near when i am weighed down; He promises me that He is there (even to the end of the age).

i love that even in my pressure, in my worry, in my distrust, the Lord is circling His arms around me in love. this image reminds me that God is my father, He is my protector, He is my comforter. when i need to be held, He is holding me ("Your hands that shaped the world are holding me, they hold me still" -jj).

the words "here lay it down, nor fear" remind me of how often i do fear giving things to the Lord. i am afraid He doesn't want them; i am afraid He will think they are silly; i am afraid He has more important things to deal with (unreached people groups, earthquake survivors, child soldiers, my friends and family, cancer). but this is the One who has the government on His shoulders... why would He not have the strength for my burden? why would He not care? He has drawn me with everlasting love and kindness.

i love the part that says, "yet closer come: you are not near enough." it reminds me that the Lord does desire intimacy with me, that just close is not close enough. He has a heart for me personally. "you love me, I know" strikes me deeply. the Lord knows that i love Him? because most of the time i feel that i don't love Him enough. i often feel i have to get to a certain point for the Lord to acknowledge that i want to serve Him, that i want to follow Him, that i want to know Him deeply. i love the image of john with his head on Jesus. that's the kind of disciple i want to be. that's the kind of love i want to know. that's the kind of relationship i want to have with the Lord. i want to lean so fully on Him that if He were to move away from me, i would completely wipe out. i want to place so much of my care on Him that i am nothing without that support completely surrounding me. i want to truly rely on the Lord to sustain me. i want to lean hard.

"whatever is gripped tightly has to be held loosely"

"it is not pleasant when the deepest yearnings of your heart go unfulfilled and especially if we're surrounded by others who are granted the privilege that we long should fall on us... it is not because He withholds, but because what He grants is fitting for His purpose, glory, and honor. that might make us earthly losers but precious heavenly winners."

-lisa robinson, on desiring marriage.
but i feel this idea resonating in so many other areas of life as well.

you can read the rest here.

oh, i'm ready to fall

today i woke up. i got my hair cut. i am currently having my first pumpkin spice latte since its awaited return. i love my friends. i am so excited for fall. and though i don't really want to write a five-page french essay and i'm choosing to rejoice in uncomfortable change, i'm happy to be alive.

sometimes i wonder if God made this season just for me. that's how blessed i am to finally catch some glimpes of fall. some things are dying and falling away; other things are coming to fruition and are ready to be harvested. i think i'm in a sort of autumn myself.

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
-George Eliot

how God's timing is like good cheese

this post deals with two things that i really love: cheese, and the connectedness of what the Lord is doing over time and space.

yesterday, i pulled some shaved parmesan out of the fridge to put on my pasta. on the label was a little message reading, "aged over 10 months." really good parmesans are aged longer - over 2 years. when i saw this label, i thought, "how funny is it that 10 months ago, last december, when i was studying for classes that i now don't even remember and living a different life than i live now, this cheese was beginning to age. it was being prepared 10 months ago for my pasta enjoyment today."

God's work in my life is also the product of aging. i never can see it at the time, but i know that 10 months ago, the Lord was preparing me for what i'm doing right now. and 2 years ago, he was preparing me for this moment as well. and in the same grain, the things the Lord is teaching me today are going to age, per se, and come to their fullness months and years from now. the joy and the peace and all of the fruits of God's work in my life are not just a product of one moment; there is a culminating effect. my experiences with the Lord's grace have been building on top of one another and interweaving themselves.

and i'm excited about what the Lord has aging for me. i'm sure it will be tasty... and expensive. and very good with wine. just kidding.

but really - God is doing good things. He is taking my past, restoring it and using it to teach me. He is taking my present, calling me to follow Him today and to worship Him where i am. and He is taking my future, assuring me that He has ordained my days and that He is working out all things for my good.

twenty-two!

officially, the weirdest thing about being twenty-two is the thought that the next time september 12 rolls around, i'll be turning twenty-three. looking or saying the word twenty-two too many times is strange also. this birthday also marks the one on which everyone's "happy birthday!" is followed by a "wow, you're getting old." true. i suppose passing twenty-one indicates a swift movement out of your youth. my nearly-fifteen-year-old sister even said, "don't worry, i'll still love you when you're wrinkly." thanks, em.

this birthday was one of the most enjoyable i've had in a long time. i love birthdays, but i love others' a lot more than my own. i generally don't like having all the attention on me, despite my history of years and years on stage. but this one was wonderful. one hundred percent of the reason was because i have wonderful friends and an amazing family.

turning twenty-two included...

...having pumpkin pancakes with whipped cream for brunch with my friends who live with me.

...purchasing cowboy boots, old french books, and one dollar yellow nail polish at the flea market. also, fresh fruit snow cones. strawberry and guava.

... these two wonderful ladies cooking me shrimp and scallop pasta with roasted veggies and cream sauce. (what can i say? i'm italian.)

...eating said dinner with incredible friends. minus a few who are very special and i miss a lot. (rachel, laura arline, and gracie, i love you.) i also got a phone call from argentina in which gracie yelled "HAPPY BITHRDAY!" about thirty times. then we skyped. it was wonderful.

...baking cupcakes with elissa. these are german chocolate cake, filled with the german chocolate icing (coconut and pecan), topped with fudge icing and coconut. yes, i love coconut. and the fact that my birthday candle was an orange tea light. twenty-two candles would have been depressing, two giant 2 candles would not have been cute. i would not have had it any other way.

oh, i am so blessed.

on my heart recently

and i know Your promises are faithful
and i, i've seen Your goodness in my life
and oh, i've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

-audrey assad, "carry me"

vivre, c’est naître lentement

i like this home.
this home in marietta was my shelter from age 6 to 18.
it hasn't always been my refuge, but it certainly is this weekend.

outside it is the yard
where we played laser tag with the vests and guns that were one of will's birthday presents,
where we took our easter pictures,
where we play bocce with the cousins,
where we once found baby bunnies,
where we would try to climb the bradford pear tree, before it split and fell down.

it in is the living room
where we would watch little house on the prairie in the summer before swim team practice,
where my parents carefully placed my baby sister on the brick of the fireplace on the day she came home from the hospital.

in it is the foyer
where will once chased me, causing me to fall onto a metal star
(the doctor said it would scar but it didn't),
the staircase we would run down on christmas morning, with dad filming from the bottom,
the loft where we would make forts,
where we would walk around the edges dangerously even though mom told us not to.

in it is the kitchen
where i would do my homework in middle school,
where we would eat publix rotisserie chicken,
where i would sneak into the pantry when no one was looking to eat some of the colored icings that came in the betty crocker tubes
(the yellow one was definitely the tastiest),
where i would climb up onto the counters to get a plate because, for the longest time, i was too small to reach them.

in it is my bedroom
where i lost my baby teeth,
where i stayed up all night, droswy-eyed but determined, writing papers in high school,
where i put my hair into countless numbers of buns in front of my mirror
(there were usually bobby pins everywhere),
where i would hide in my closet, nestled next to my bookshelf to read and write,
where my mom would open the door to wake me up gently,
where my dad would tuck me in, making me "as snug as a bug in a rug,"
where i had laura ashley bunnies papering my walls for the first few years.

this home has changed in the last few years.
new hardwood floors, new paint,
less kids at home, healthier food in the fridge.
emily is working on moving into my old room.
these things feel strange sometimes, but they don't bother me much.
i have changed and grown, why should i expect different from my home?

and though our family has changed and grown,
they are still the same.
and i love coming home to them.

oh, is-real

pictures of God's love for me this summer:

this is my cabin from session 11.

we were in 6b.

sailing!

this is my favorite sail.

walking to the mudpit!
we were really excited.

at the mudpit with lindsey,
my counselor for session 11.
she was a-ma-zing.

campfire guests.

all we were missing was the mystery machine itself.

kayaking with laura haynie.

first and last time all summer.

but it was fun.

the Lord is faithful.

you can sleep in, you keep dreamin

friday/saturday:
hanging out with bootsie (emily)
gilmore girls, per usual
made her a facebook!
yummy dinner, cookies with mom & dad
passenger seat with elissa
jesus answering prayers

sunday:
cheerwine for breakfast
goodwill for three hours
bought TOO many things
laughing with carlen
(i missed her a lot this summer)
taco bell
church at christ community
sidewalk chalk on the driveway
watching c & lvb's hose attacks
harry potter 1
fried green tomatoes at elissa's

...and i even got schoolwork in!

needless to say, it was a good two days.
God is so cool.
and i am so excited for fall!

(working on) abounding in the work of the Lord

when the Lord told me about a week and a few days ago that i would need to fight for Him the last week of camp, i had no idea what He meant. i thought i knew; i thought He meant that i would need to fight to pour into the kids spiritually, fight to do my own quiet time, fight the desire to not care at all, fight the desire to dream of home and forget where i was.

and yes, i did fight some of these things. but many of them were overshadowed by different, more obvious fights: nose bleeds, intense homesickness, and a stomach bug like one st. christopher has probably seen before but was still ridiculous.

i can't even explain how frustrating it was to fight all of these things. they were all, i believe, partially normal and physical and partially spiritual. i know for sure that the enemy was trying to get me where it hurt. i was so disappointed because i felt like so little spiritual change was taking place. it was all i could do to meet physical needs without collapsing, but what about these kids meeting Jesus and hearing God and all of the good things that have happened other weeks?

the last week of camp was certainly an exercise in faith: knowing that things were happening that i couldn't see. the Lord was at work in me and in the kids spiritually as i was meeting physical needs. i am constantly reminding myself that just because i don't notice doesn't mean God isn't doing good things.

i myself had been battling my own homesickness for a couple weeks, so i feel glad to be home. the stomach bug did eventually catch up to me saturday night, right when i arrived in athens. the Lord is reminding me that here is no different than there: i am still going to be fighting for Jesus, fighting my flesh, fighting the enemy.

the best part of the fight is the knowledge that Jesus has victory.

"but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 cor. 15:57)

let me find i'm at Your feet

things worth fighting for require the fight.

last summer was hard.
there were fears that the Lord's love cast out.
there were doubts that i wrestled that the Lord covered with peace.
there was sorrow, and with time, the Lord's joy clothed me fully.
there was confusion and disappointment and anger and frustration, but the Lord's grace was a constant during all these times.

but last summer was so good.
God blessed me in more ways than i can remember.
He taught me so much about Himself, about His heart for me.
He taught me about patience, how to wait for Him.
He gave me such a desire for His Word.

i expected this summer to be hard.
but not in ways i've experienced.
i knew that leading a team would be hard.
but i expected to breeze through everything else.

i expected to have everything else under control.
(yes, MY control.)
and, as always, God surprised me in the best ways.
He showed me that it's His control that's important.
that i am small but loved.
that i am known and understood.
that i am His own.

He wants to give good gifts to His children.
i have asked and received.
it hasn't been easy.
but the fight is worth it.
the race is important.
i want to run the course the Lord has set for me.

i am ready for this year.
i am excited for this year.

God is GOOD despite my exhaustion.
God is in me, even when i am tired.
mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually drained.
i'm ready for the Lord's strength to kick in.
hear that, God?
i'm ready and i can't do it without You.
i don't know why i would want to.
i don't know how i could.

Lord, i love You.
have Your way with me.

advent of something

even in my frustration,
there are so many things to be thankful for.
the Lord is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger, and rich in love.

i am so indecisive,
but the Lord knows everything.
He knows everything i need.
i am so quick to become angry,
but the Lord has patience and understanding.
i am fainting, growing weary,
but the Lord remains ever firm.
my heart and my flesh are failing,
but He is my portion forever.
i am inconsiderate and difficult,
but the Lord loves me still.
i am frightened,
but God is holding my hand.
i am constantly searching,
(searching for things that don't satisfy)
but God gives me Himself.
i think i am always right,
but the Lord gently corrects.
i am easily offended;
i have difficulty forgiving,
but the Lord's mercy covers me.

i praise Him when it's easy;
i cry when it's hard.
i cry when i worship;
i try to worship when i cry.
(this is more difficult.)


i sometimes find myself in the desert,
where my soul longs for water.
i am thirsty.
and i see You there.
despite myself, You find me there.

thought is the blossom

sometimes it is much easier to blog when i only have a few things on my mind. those are times when i am focused and i know what to say. there are other times, like the past week or so, when i have SO many things on my mind, heart, and soul that i don't know how to even begin.

so, for today, a list format will do.
here are some of the things i have thought about, prayed for, wrestled with, rejoiced in, and been taught this week, in no particular order:

-the Holy Spirit, receiving Him, baptism of Him, Him being in me vs. upon me
-frustration, insecurity, inadequacy
-annointing for ministry and edification
-spiritual gifts, prayer languages (tongues), the spirit of discernment
-what is worship, dancing before the Lord, glory, being bold in spirit, being at the foot of the throne in worship, seeing the Lord's feet!
-God's holiness in view of my sinfulness
-calling to missions, France
-letting God into areas of past hurt, bitterness
-my relationship to the Law, being a stumbling block
-the Lord Himself being the very reward i desire
-Voyage of the Dawn Treader and Eustice's dragon skin coming off
-loving the Lord so much that my heart gets destroyed... in a good way

yes, i know. a lot to think about for one week!

found in You

walking, stumbling, on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen.

i am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began.

-brooke fraser

i was a little girl

today, twenty-one years ago, a very special person was born. her name is elissa, and she is my friend. she shines the light of Jesus. and i love her.

we like georgia football.

we like playing in leaves.

freshman year we would decorate our door.

we like crawfish parties and rachel!

we like matching and waterfalls and making weird faces.
and just being together.

life barrels on like a runaway train

i love reading the obituaries. really and truly. i love the celebration of life in their stories, their families, their passions. they remind me that God meant for life to have seasons, that there is a time for everything under heaven. they remind me that being young is okay, and that growing up is okay too. they remind me that the Lord meant for me to get older and for me to change in this time frame. i cannot fall behind on His plan. i am in step with His season.

here are a few examples from yesterday's ajc that i think are awesome:

"He served with the U.S. Army in Northern Africa and Sicily during World War II as Sergeant in the Signal Corp."

"He was a Girl Scout leader for his daughters and a Boy Scout leader for his son."

"He was known as a kind, gentle man with a passion for details... He was an active, enthusiastic, and well-respected ambassador for baseball and for the many organizations to which he belonged."

"She was well known for all the good food she prepared and delivered to the sick in her community... Her homemade vegetable soup had the reputation of being more healing than a doctor's visit and her chocolate cakes were to die for. All who knew her were blessed with unconditional love and will miss her sweet smile and wonderful hugs."

"After the death of his wife, he had a prayer garden put in between the two church buildings in memory of her and his son."

"She was married for 73 years to her sweetheart and best friend."

"He and his wife served the Lord in ministry for more than 50 years... He had a heartfelt love for the Lord and was a loving father and grandfather."

tattered shoes outside your door

i often walk the earth assuming the world is out to get me. and in a way, i suppose it is. but this isn't exactly what i mean right now.

today i had a minor realization that i am often inclined to think that everyone intends to hurt me, that everyone i meet is just scheming these grand plans to use me, break my heart, and destroy me. but since God has given me a rational mind to think and to understand (some things), i make use of it and therefore know that this isn't the case. yet still i treat people with this assumption in mind: i think through what i say; i am careful not to reveal too much; i try to keep my feelings from my sleeve, their natural habitat.

these are not bad decisions. the Lord has grown me to have a lot more discernment about the things i say and do. but there is a big difference between wisdom and fear, and i am coming to terms with the fact that i often live in the latter. my heart falsely accuses the people i know, even the people i care deeply about sometimes, and i guard myself because i am afraid of being hurt.

there are several things wrong with my behavior. its basis is false in that no one is sitting around, waiting to manipulate my weakness. and as for those who do hurt me, who have and who will hurt me… they do so unintentionally. none of them have calculated a plan to hurt me and then carried it out methodically. believing this is letting the enemy get a foothold in my life; believing this is not walking in faith in Christ; believing this is trusting no one, which includes Jesus at times. also, by behaving this way i can prevent myself from building genuine relationships with others, something the Lord calls me to do in christian community. sometimes i wonder why i feel like no one knows me very well. and then i remember that i often don’t give others the chance.

it is a funny thing to realize that, after so many years behaving as an extrovert, i am very much an introvert. i find now that building relationships requires a lot more of me than it used to. it requires the Lord’s strength most of the time.

it is a funny thing to feel yourself changing. some days, it’s like growing into a new skin. or maybe it’s like realizing one morning that your shoes are too tight, that all of your toes are smashed together at the end. it kind of hurts to walk.

but the neat thing about changing is that i am growing. when my shoes get too tight, it means i get a new pair, like on those shopping days we used to have growing up in august for all of our back-to-school necessities. new shoes were always on the agenda, and it was always exciting. at the shoe store, i would spend a long time looking at all of the shoes, assessing their material, style, and of course, color. i would get two pairs of shoes every year. one pair were athletic shoes for p.e., and i always chose nikes. the other pair were keds, nice and white and new and some years, they even came with little accessories in the box, like beads to string on your shoelaces. yes, i was always thrilled about the keds.

growing means a new pair of keds. and growing in the Lord means all kinds of new things. a new attitude, a new behavior, new words and thoughts and deeds. a new understanding of who He is, of what is good, of what He desires for me. a new mind and a new spirit. a new heart.

i have not yet figured out the most graceful ways to move through change. i often do it with stumbling, and i am inevitably unbalanced in the process. it’s hard for me to change without taking things to the extreme. if God says, “guard your heart more carefully, be wise in what you say and do,” i build a fortress around it. with a drawbridge and a moat and alligators. completely unnecessary. too much. but i am often weak in mind and feeble in thought and frail in heart. and sometimes, i just can’t seem to find the middle portion of the continuum.

what can i say. i’m learning.

the comfort of You near is what i long for

i love firsts in life. yesterday one happened to me. but it wasn't super loveable. it involved the ocean, something squishy and jelly-like, a stinging sensation, and the entirety of my left shin. in the realm of jellystings, though, it was minor.

in other news of firsts, i am really excited for jen's wedding. second to Jesus, the prospect of seeing jen and david get married and the dancing afterwards is what is getting me through this week relatively stress-free. even though i think i have plenty of things i could be stressing about, i have found that it is really not worth the stress. God's going to do what He's going to do... with or without my careful planning, perfect preparation, or practice.

the past few weeks have really been an exercise in letting go. even though i don't feel any perfect confirmation about the things i'm doing, i know that the Lord is in everything. i haven't been feeling much at all recently, as i normally would. in praying about it, i think the Lord is teaching me to trust Him even when i don't feel the evidences of His presence. this is the essence of faith, right? being certain of something i can't feel.

i bought brooke fraser's cd "albertine" about a week ago. it is awesome. give it a listen. the Lord has been using it to speak to me.

when i can't feel You, i have learned to reach out just the same
when i can't hear You, i know You still hear every word i pray
and i want You more than i want to live another day
and as i wait for You, maybe i'm made more faithful
-brooke fraser, "faithful"

i rejoice in the Lord, for He is renewing me day by day. He is pouring out His grace and mercy in my heart. He is making me strong. He is growing in me a faithful heart.

where we will wallow

one of many reasons to love camp: pluff mud!


photo cred (like street cred but cooler) goes to laura haynie on rebecca moseley's camera.

deep desperation

i finished "enjoying god" and as always, i am amazed at the Lord's sovereignty in my life, how perfect He is in His timing, how precise He is in His plan. i started this book fall semester with my discipler, and when i started meeting with hillary in the spring, i just set the book aside, not knowing whether i would read it again later. as i packed for camp, i hurriedly grab it off the shelf, not thinking anything of it. and as i have read the second half here, almost seven months later, it is speaking exactly to where i am. it's so cool how the Lord used what seemed to me to be a not-so-great situation to grow me in this past week or so.

i love how God's ways are so much higher than my own.

in the book, hill addresses God's withdrawing His presence from us and how this can be the Lord's way of growing us into a deeper desire for intimacy with Him. i have been feeling a little bit dry lately, and i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that i haven't been able to really worship regularly. it's hard doing teaching program things, because i need to be making sure things are running smoothly while everyone else is singing. this isn't exactly the same as the Lord taking His presence, but it feels similarly to me. in turn, i am feeling a longing for the Lord bubble up in me, which is a really good thing, something i've been needing to experience.

there is a story in the book of a teacher and young man he is mentoring. the teacher walks the guy, eyes closed, into a lake until his head is covered. the teacher holds him under. eventually, the student starts to kick and flail, trying to come up to breathe. when the young man asks the teacher why he would do that, the teacher simply replied, "when you want God as much as you wanted air, you shall find Him."

on thursday, i was swimming a bit in the ocean after the mudpit (part of the sweating-out-the-pluff-mud-smell process). i decided to try this little story, and so i took as many strokes as possible before breathing. as i would finally gasp for some air, i would think about how much i felt i needed that air, and what it felt like to receive it.

this reminded me of how we don't really think through the things we sing. there is a worship song with the words "i need You more than the air i breathe." as many times as i have sung that song, i had never considered what i was professing until thursday. i had never thought through what wanting the Lord more than oxygen would look like. but i think i may have acquired a tiny glimpse of this.

and out of my barrenness and brokenness, i find i thirst for Jesus, knowing that He sees me even in my wilderness.

fingers intertwined

right now i am finishing "enjoying god." in the book, s.j. hill talks about the fact that in christian circles we often claim grace but live under the law of duty and service. we assume that God would prefer us doing things for Him over spending time getting to know Him, but God desires our closeness. His nearness is our good, but we often try to serve Him from far off. i am guilty of this a lot of the time, since i'm very performance-driven. (this is partially who i am and partially how i have been conditioned to think.) this has been particularly hard for me at camp, being in a leadership position in which i am responsible for making sure that things get done. i spending hours thinking about planning skits and the teaching program, but i don't spend hours in prayer, in the Word, or in listening to my Father's heart. i want to trust the Lord with my decisions, but i often fear He won't come through in time.

in the book, hill cites a verse to demonstrate how we should aim to know God before aiming to do things for Him. i thought this was really cool. when Jesus calls His disciples, "He appointed twelve, so that they would be with Him and so that He could send them out to preach"(mark 3:14). hill notes the order of Jesus' reasoning: He called them first of all to be WITH Him, not to do a bunch of stuff for Him. Jesus earnestly desired their friendship. and yes, they would all do bunch of stuff in His name, but this was an overflow of the relationship that they had. the disciples were not doing the preaching without the intimacy of knowing their Savior on a personal level.

this makes so much sense. how could i possibly go about talking about a God i know nothing of? how could i try to worship someone i haven't sought to understand? how could i attempt to serve a stranger? i could try my hardest, but not knowing His nature, i would probably serve incorrectly.

this can all feel kind of discouraging to me sometimes. i ask myself, how can i ever know God well enough to do anything? He is unfathomable. i will fail. i wonder why i ever let myself agree to lead the teaching team. (oh right, God's calling.) i feel frustrated that i can't figure it out, and frustrated in my fear that the way i serve is most likely a contradiction to who God is, though i know this is not true. i often feel like no matter what i do, God will never think it is good enough because i will never get to a place where i know Him "well enough." all i can do is know and then serve from where i am.

i have recently felt the immense weight of performance, seeing as the teaching program for the older campers isn't done yet. i get upset because God isn't giving me some grand ideas that will win kids to Christ, and i feel like i've failed Him in every way, not to mention jonathan and everyone else on staff. in my head, i know this is not true. in my heart, it feels so real. but the Lord is consistently reassuring me that His love for me and His grace that covers my life is not conditional upon what i do for the teaching team at camp, or on what i do at all for that matter. His affections for me are not based on anything other than His nature. and for me, motivated so often by the approval of others, it strange to think that i can gain approval without doing anything.

i have recently felt more and more what it is like to consider God as my ultimate dad. the feeling of approval from my earthly dad is amazing; i love his encouragement and cherish those moments when he said "i am so proud of you" and i adore his hugs and when he kisses me goodnight even though i am nearing twenty-two. and in thinking about the Lord, how unconditional that treatment is, how tender His affections for me, how i get that "well done" without ever actually doing anything... it is often beyond what i can comprehend or bear. the nod of approval, the gentle smile, and the "you're a wonderful daughter" hug are daily occurences in my relationship with the Lord. He is always offering these reassurances to me that i so desperately need. and no matter how much i seem to fail based on earthly standards, my Abba in heaven is looking down, reaching out for my hand to give it the squeeze that says "you're the best" and "i love you more than you know."

the first flush of morning

during the liturgy at church today, as i was responding before communion, i was struck with one specific part, when the congregation says, "we do not approach this table trusting in our own righteousness." and as i said those words, i began to think on all the sundays in my life when i had approached the Lord, His house, His meal, or His people with my trust placed completely in my own ability to be good on my own. i figured this accounts for at least 75 percent of days, today included.

my heart lifted as the bishop from northern uganda spoke about how after he chose Jesus at age 19, his life was changed forever. and then, my heart sank. i remembered my own life, how i chose Jesus when i was only 8 years old. though i know i understood the Gospel when i accepted it, i don't feel like there is such a moment in my life. it's kind of strange when your life is one huge process full of little moments, each important in its own way. your life starts to feel less like a testimony and more like a history lesson.

i still struggle with my "testimony." in my younger years, i felt i didn't have one at all. in high school, i knew it existed but just thought it was way more lame than everyone else's. all of their stories had the darkest mistakes and the most epic conquerings of them. mine paled in comparison, i thought.

today i feel better about where the Lord has brought me, but i still feel this testimony and my self-righteousness are related. i never did all the "bad" stuff other kids did. i just sinned and sinned and sinned in my heart.

i have wished for some massive failures, and i've gotten them. i have wanted drastic recoveries, and God has moved. i guess they just came later for me than for others. i am still in constant need of God's refining, because often i still see myself in terms of what i can do. i have trouble with trust. but despite my reluctance, i accept. and in accepting the fire, i receive God's grace. and a righteousness that is not mine at all.

waterworks

it's funny how emotional i can be sometimes (or most of the time). people who know me well are pretty used to this. tears are a regular part of my life. this doesn't bother me much; it's actually one of the things i really like about myself. getting to cry is such a wonderful release for me that i usually welcome it. i anticipate it because it is one of those things that i can feel coming on, usually the night before. and when i finally get the chance to cry, the Lord does good things in me.

last night was no different from many other nights in my life. as i was talking with caitlin and sarah margaret, i was thinking aloud. i said, "i think i need to cry soon. probably tomorrow." and sure enough, today has already been full of tears, and it's not even two yet. today i have felt overwhelmed and inadequate and disappointed with myself, all things that are not from the Lord. but it's not always this way with my tears. i cry a lot when i am burdened for other people, when i'm sharing in their pain, when i encounter the Lord, and when i'm asking God for things. these are pretty frequent occurrences in my life and so are the tears.

in my world, where i feel like i'm the only person who cries often, this occasionally makes me feel weird. why i am overly emotional? am i weak? why can't i control myself sometimes? and then i remember that people in the Bible cried a lot. the psalmist especially. David was a pretty passionate guy, and while i have no proof, i am willing to bet that he cried. Jesus Himself cried out while spending time with His Dad, with prayers and supplications, loud cries and tears. (heb. 5:7)

and this is my reassurance whenever i question my emotions: those who sow in tears shall reap with songs of joy. (ps. 126:5)

swallowed

fragile (adj): easily broken or destroyed; constitutionally delicate.

while i hate to admit it and the idea of being called it makes me shudder, sometimes i must face the facts. i am fragile. and i am fragile in more ways than one. my hope is so often easily shaken, and i am weak when all i want is to be strong. even though i know i should delight in my weakness, where God's grace can abound all the more, i don't. i don't like feeling dependent on others; i don't like asking for help; i don't like not being able to do the things i feel like i should be able to do. i like to think of myself as a big girl.

don't push so hard against the wall
you can't do it all alone
and if you could would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
-from big strong girl, deb talan

the fact is, i'm not a big girl. i'm a little girl who knows a big God. i'm little girl with a mighty Savior. and at the same time, i am a woman whose strength is the Lord's and the Lord's alone. i am able to endure by the power of Jesus Christ's actions on the cross.

i realized saturday how much i am like jonah. i have been reading his four little chapters over and over, consistently, for probably the past month, and though i could relate to him on some levels, i never really related to his deliberate disobedience. and then the overwhelmingness came. suddenly, i was struck with feelings of complete inadequacy, of desperate failure. and it was only the fourth day. this is the point at which i made my way outside, got on my knees, and wept. i told God i didn't want it, i didn't want any of it anymore. i told Him i didn't care what i had promised to do and that i didn't want to follow through. (fragile moment) the Lord told me to get up, get back in there, and do what He had called me to do. ouch. sometimes i am so unwilling. i play it off to everyone else like i am up for anything, when really everything in my sinful nature is saying no, no, no. i don't want to go there and i don't want to do that. the jonah complex.

so here is the part of the story when i pray. and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray some more. because it's true that i can't do this on my own, but the Lord has called me here and to do this, and thus He has thoroughly equipped me. i am more than adequate in the Lord.

made for a month of sundays

it always amazes me how i excited i am that something is ending only to find that i am hating every minute of it being over. there's this moment i am all too familiar with: i just know what the Lord is calling me to do, and i know He is saying, "move on, keep pressing on, go forward, this is the end of this season." and that moment is awful. because for me, that place has finally become comfortable, warm and welcoming. knowing it will be over before i know it tears me apart because i have slowly but surely grown to love it there, and having to disappoint people i'm close to is even more terrible, even though the Lord has been clear with me. the next moment i know well is in the middle, but towards the end: the excitement for the season to be done is building, finishing strong seems such an accomplishment, and i just can't wait for what the Lord has next for me. and when the final chapter has arrived: man, am i regretting every second of listening to the Lord's voice. i'm wishing i had just ignored Him when i had the chance, because frankly, this part hurts the most. even though the Lord shot straight with me and i obeyed, i just don't want it to be true. i don't want to move on. i can't stand the tears and the looks in our eyes. i am no good at goodbyes. this is how i know eternity has been set in my heart. i was never meant for goodbyes. i was never meant for endings. i was made for forever. and soon and very soon, that's where i'll be.

perfected, confirmed, strengthened, established

there are many days when i start to blog, type a paragraph that seems pointless, and then quit because i feel like what i have to say isn't quite there, isn't quite deep enough, isn't quite ready to be forever stored on the world wide web. when you put something on the internet, apparently you can never get it back. apparently it can never be destroyed or erased. or so i hear. this could be false, since i know only enough about technology to make it as a college student. but this is not one of those erase-retype-put it off days.

i should be studying for my final tomorrow. i have been studying for my finals. but i'm itching to write about whatever comes to mind right now. i am in this selfish, having-issues-of-entitlement mode regarding this week where i keep saying to myself, "you have worked so very hard this semester. harder than anyone else. you deserve to not have to study for your finals. you deserve to not have to even take them. as a matter of fact, you just deserve to get all As in all of your classes because of how motivated you've been this semester."

but this is not the case. i am not entitled to an easy semester, good grades, or the praise of others. it's only by God's grace that i've made it through this semester of hellish schoolwork anyways. at the beginning of it, i prayed for grace to do my schoolwork, and i got it. so i pray for something, God gives it, and suddenly i think i'm entitled to it, that i deserve it for some reason? i'm crazy sometimes. i get to thinking that i earned the things God gave me. always the "me" factor. as if i could do any of this out of my own strength. i would have been dead weeks ago. or on the floor of my bathroom sobbing every night.

luckily, the Lord has been showering me with His grace every morning and every night. even when i am so unfaithful about my time. even when i am not diligent about reading the Word consistenly. even when i am content with letting my academic acheivement define me. even when i let my mind wander and my heart falter. even when i let what i want get in the way of God's desires for me. even when my faith is small and weak. even when i find myself completely incapable of loving the way Christ has called me to. God is so good and faithful in showering me with perfection, acceptance, completion, wholeness. He is renewing me day by day even when i feel i'm just wasting away into this brutish little frame of over-acheiving pride. the Lord speaks something different over me:

it will no longer be said to you "forsaken"
nor to your land will it any longer be said "desolate"
but you will be called "My delight is in her"
and your land "married"
for the Lord delights in you
and to Him your land will be married...
as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so your God will rejoice over you.
[isaiah 62.4-5]

i am the Lord's delight. and so i am praying to have "the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." [1 peter 3.4] a woman after God's heart. He already sees me redeemed. i'm just relying on His grace to complete the good work that He has begun in me. i am truly excited for whatever's coming next. the Lord is so good to me.

as for me, it's good to be

sometimes i forget how blessed i am, how i truly am surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses, how there are continually people encouraging me and loving on me and pressing me toward the Lord, often without even knowing it. in my thoughts, i frequently focus solely on those moments when i'm not encouraged, or those moments when i feel the exact opposite is happening. but in reality, i am encouraged a lot. the Lord is encouraging me every day, drawing me with an everlasting love, pursuing me with consistent kindness. all of this when i don't want to be near. all of this even from afar.

if i can't dance - i don't want to be part of your revolution

the more i dance, the more i realize how different i would be without it. there is so much i can only say through movement. there is so much i am no good at talking about, there is so much i am no good writing about, there is so much it's no good crying about. sometimes it only makes sense to dance. this is the outlet the Lord has created for me to speak.

there are so many days i have no words. dancing is the only thing that feels right, that can be an adequate response to what God has done in my life.

over the summer, the day i asked how to use the sound system in the chapel changed the way i could interact with the Lord. everything that was upsetting, everything that was difficult, everything that was encouraging, everything that was awful and wonderful and true could be danced. i couldn't explain it, i couldn't do anything with it but take my body, my silly little frame that the Lord has made into an offering, and move.

for some, moving seems like running. for me, it's one of the only ways i have of grappling with life, death, hope, and God. of actually facing them. it is like nothing else i know when it comes to meeting the Lord. praying, singing, reading the Word: all incredible, all things i love to do, all things that the Lord loves. but dancing. oh my goodness. moving in the Lord's presence is like being tiny and seen at the same time, being so small yet so loved. dancing. the only times i feel worthy of praising such a huge and wonderful Savior. oh my goodness. dancing. you may have no idea. but dancing.

the Lord's revolution has dancing.

something worth holding onto

although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. -helen keller

healing takes time.

because God takes His time. not because He enjoys our pain but because His love for us is enough to let us stay there while He is a doing work in us.

i always knew this. but i also always assumed it would come easier to me, and in a shorter time frame. and yet, still, i'm me, alone and frustrated by my complete inability to heal myself. by the fact that such a long long time later, i am still wounded.

i have to catch myself in the net, pull myself back on board, and remind myself that it is not me doing the healing at all. it has never been me. (repeating it to myself: it has never, ever, ever been me.) the Lord has been healing me all along, slowly but surely, more gently now than it felt before. His touch is so evident in how my heart has changed.

and still, i complain. maybe not externally, maybe not the way i do about my term papers. but i do make my case. God, why are there parts of me where i still feel injured? why are there certain aspects of myself that are calloused? why, Lord, can i not bring myself to feel things i felt before? why is this still so hard sometimes?

it's not the thing itself anymore. it's the side effects. it's the parts of me that have changed as a result. they are now my battle. they are now my prayer.

it's the deep parts of me that i don't reveal to anyone. they are where the healing is going to happen soon. i know it.

in certain areas, i have become more of a runner than i was before. i hide. and these are the deep repercussions of being hurt. these are the remnants of pain. this is what is left of what i gave away. broken pieces.

it frustrates me that i have such a hard time admitting it most of the time. i'm scared you won't understand. i'm scared you'll think of me differently. i'm scared you'll treat me like i'm shattered. i'm scared you'll actually read this.

and somehow i muster the strength to care less about you and more about the Lord. i sit. i try to start. i fail. and i procede. i force myself to type. because in a lot of ways, this is the only place i feel comfortable and uncomfortable with where i am.

i worry that one day, a long time from now, i will wake up and realize that i am the same. i fear that i will accept this brokenness as part of who i am and who i always will be. and while brokenness is an innate part of my humanity, this specific brokennes, this exact wound, is not who i am. it is not who i will be. it is only part of shaping me into the woman that God has intended me to be all along.

"this too will pass" and the places where i was cracked, i will be sealed. and yet there it will be, the place where the blood once was. the spot that was once so cold and foreign will be warm and familiar, part of who i am only because the Lord has changed its nature.

it seems contradictory. but it is no longer a reminder of my failure and shame, of all the ways i did things wrong. it is a testimony to all the things the Lord has done right. this hurt will be part of me only because the Lord is redeeming it. this mark will be mine to cherish, because God has made it beautiful in its time.

people are not little stones, or keys in someone's pocket

on march 31, serbia formally apologized for not doing enough to stop the massacre of bosnian muslims in srebrenica, the un safe zone. the main reason for this apology was to do something favorable that would benefit serbia in its quest to enter the european union. yet they did not call the killings genocide, as the UN and the hague have already done.

sometimes i think about how often i am serbia. i apologize to get something in return, whether its something material, or just a pat on the back for doing a good thing. i also don't call things for what they are. i am good at skirting around the issue, at apologizing for something lesser than what is required, at making my faults seem justified when they are not. i don't want to make amends for concessional gains. i don't just want some surface-level declaratory statements that mean nothing in reality. i don't want my actions to please others. i want my everything to please God. this is my wish.

wish (v.): to want, desire, long for

eyesight

i love how well God loves me. how radically, how sweetly, and how carefully. i love how He is working out things in me that i don't even realize. i love how He has given me certain traits and characteristics that are preparing me for something. something big. He has given me eyes and dreams. and even though i have trouble with the eyes and can't see the dreams yet, i love Him all the same for them. because i know they are coming; i know that in time, and in grace, they will come.

you cannot say too much
finish your thoughts, i will listen
when no one is strong enough
to carry your heart and its vision

i know you're scared that you're still unprepared
to live out all the dreams you are wishing
but don't hide away, my love

and you'll have to find your own way
that's okay, it's okay, my love
don't let 'em tell you
you have to see through anyone's eyes
but the ones God gave you

you have a song that's as bright as a fire
and the dark has a reason to fear you
so sing when you have no voice
i'll hear you

-from i will hear you, by alli rogers.

surprise, suprises

while i never thought this day would come, it has. i am thinking about grad school. key word: thinking. as in, i researched a little bit about what i would need to do and where i could go and what it would cost. i always was turned off by it because international affairs grad programs sound terrible to me. just because of who i am. but i was drawn to them initially because of the implications. doing something that could change the world, for example. figuring out the right way to do development, finding a way for countries to cooperate to prevent genocide, yadda yadda. real life stuff, but also real mushy-gushy i will personally end poverty stuff.

and then i realized that the Lord has given me a passion for french. for speaking it, studying it, reading it, writing it. and just because it doesn't have some immediate go-getter path right afterwards doesn't mean it's not for me. but then i also think... how can the Lord use this? france, ministry, right, obviously. but how does this fit with grad school? does grad school have a place, as my parents have hoped? i always thought no, but now i've gotten to thinking that i might like it. and then comes the tricky little statement of intent. i don't have any professional goals or plans. i don't have any reason to study french at a higher level except a love for french. i do not know if this is enough. but i guess if God wants me in grad school, it will be.

katy & david.

after completing my camp forms in the gilbert hall computer lab today, i decided to go for one of my bi-monthly treat-yourself-alone-between-classes lunches that i enjoy so much. and as always, i took myself to whichwich for a tomato and avocado sandwich.

i pulled out my Bible to read a little jonah. as i was eating, a super cute couple (the guy was trying to take pictures of her, she was opposing, they were laughing) sat down at the table next to mine, against the wall. her back was to me and he was facing me.

after a few minutes, she asked me if i was a student at uga. we chatted about my studies and what i did at school. he asked what i was reading in scripture. in my mind i was saying, "score. they totally love the Lord." they were from greenville, went to clemson, liked biking and coffee and Jesus and were in athens for a day trip. i told them a little bit about camp, and he asked about what i wanted to do. i talked a little about france. throughout the conversation, he just kept mentioning not abandoning the truth for post-modernism and "making that the most important book you read."

basically, it was seriously encouraging. so thank you, katy & david. you definitely blessed me today.

rubber soul

sometimes i wish my life were a welfare state. to be weird and speak in terms of comparative politics. i wish that embedded into my day-to-day life were certain protections. keeping me safe, preventing me from completely destroying myself.

it is true that i have what i need physically. i am provided for. it's more of the emotional and spiritual. i have this deep desire to have security in the decisions i make. i wish there were safety nets... institutions in place that would keep my heart secure. not simply my person.

sometimes i wish for that cushy landing the welfare state would provide should i fall. if i am sick (of heart), i get time off. if i am injured (spiritually), i get paid leave. if i simply need rest (in my soul), i have plenty of weeks of vacation to take at any moment. if i fail and fall down, there is nothing to worry about. no way to be hurt. because i am safe in the confines of what is provided for me.

i know that i have this safety in Jesus. He is working all things together for my good. but what i'm talking about here is more immature; more short-term and more superficial. protection from the pains of life, whether simple and temporary or complex and deep, that i have come to know and expect as a follower of God. the apostles and disciples knew it. and they said it.

and as immature it is on my part, it is weeks like these two coming up that i desire to feel no pain. i don't want to suffer the consequences of the midterms i don't study enough for or the things i don't start early enough at work. even when i know that the Lord is calling me to put Him above school, i don't want to feel the sting of my grades. but when Jesus tells us we will have to sacrifice it all for Him, He means it.

today i wish i had a trampoline. an easy bounce-back for every tumble. but in reality, if everything bounced off of me and i off of everything else, i wouldn't be grounded in anything. and that's nowhere that i want to be either.

ready, set, comeback.

it's amazing how something so unbelievably small and simple can change everything. the Lord's timing is so perfect, so necessary, so immutable. and as a friend of a good friend (the good friend is wesley kapp) explained, God will never leave you in a season if it is not doing you good. when the time comes that what is good is being out of that place, it will come. without delay. with haste. instantly, you will be free from it.

and so it has been since... well, for awhile. maybe christmas break, maybe just before, maybe just after. i can't even remember when i changed, when i became this person i didn't know. i thought i was doing myself good. important to note the "i thought" because this is just the point: i don't know what is good for me.

i thought that taking hold of my schoolwork would be good. i thought exercising more would be good. i thought narrowing the time spent on my friends in favor of preparedness for other aspects of life would be good. i thought being, acting, and dressing in a more "normal" way would be good. but i was wrong.

none of these thoughts happened consciously. they happened below the surface. in the depths of my heart that i couldn't seem to get to with my prayers. in the places where the enemy creeps into those vulnerable cracks and splits me. into my weakness, he snuck in. maybe like in the dreams.

and then i realized what was lacking. i didn't have that joy i used to have. i had lost that color from my world, from my face, and from my wardrobe. i had lost, for a time, what made me me. and while i hadn't lost the Lord (who is what really makes me me), i had submerged parts of me that He loves. i know He does.

and yet, it didn't make any sense. it was incomprehensible to me that i could be living the way i was living and still not be able to hold that joy cupped in my hands. i finally had it more together than i ever have before: school, work, my future; i was spending regluar time with God, hearing His voice and calling on my life; and more than that, i felt like i was growing. it didn't make any sense at all.

and then it happened: a thought, a walk, some tears, and a prayer. that's all it took for that cloak to be cast off of my heart. and without realizing the impact the prayer would have on my life (the last few days and here on out), one totally normal person was God's vessel for my joy; for the restoration of my friendships and the peace of my heart; for the removal of condemnation and my deep anxieties; for the comeback of my color.

and sometimes, i just have to step back and bask in the perfectness of the Lord. this is one of those times. because it is so true, it is in my weakness that i should boast. grace is abounding all the more.

mercy has found me

I thank Chist Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for life eternal.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory, forever and ever. Amen.

1 Timothy 1:12-17

throw it in reverse

Sometimes I forget that I am no longer a junior in high school. (Seventeen was a very good year.) I forget that then, I was the chattiest person I knew. I told everyone all my own secrets. I forget that then, I was finally, slowly, developing a social aspect to my life. I forget that then, everything seemed new: friends, driving, very little sleep, college, music, life, missions. I forget that I was very much the same person then that I am now. And I forget that I am a completely different person now than I was then.

Sometimes I forget that I am no longer a freshman in college. (A hard year.) I forget that I have lost that bitter taste in my mouth that I carried when I was nineteen. (Well, at least the constant biting bitterness that I refused to let fall.) I forget that I no longer treat my friends so badly, in the way I did then. I forget that my circumstances have changed. I forget that then I had more free time, more free spirits, but less freedom in the Lord. I forget that I once said whatever was on my mind: honesty is the best policy...right? I forget that back then I thought I knew it all. Now I feel I know so very little.

Sometimes I find it hard living in my present, where I am. Sometimes I view my circumstances in their previous context, the way I remember them originally, instead of their current one. I sometimes find I still see people, events, ideas, the way I used to. As if they haven't changed with time. As if they've been crystallized there. As if I am permitted to change but they are not. This view leads to frustration, misunderstanding... I see things as they were and myself as I am. Instead of things as they were, I as I was. And things as they are, I as I am.

Sometimes I forget, or intentionally ignore, that God has brought me along for His ride. Sometimes I forget that God has done the changing in me, in my life, in the people I care about. Sometimes I miss the point. That the Lord has me right where He wants me. That I don't need to worry about what's passed and who's changed. Sometimes others should be my concern. But other times, I can push this to the side. Because my only concern should be Jesus Christ, Him crucified, and what that means in me.

Some days, I feel intensely lost. Completely alone. And misunderstood. Despite the prayer, the begging and pleading, the tears, there I am, desperate and hungry, yet completely unable to feed myself. I am helpless, dirty. Face to the dust. And still, wherever I am, there I am. And wherever I am, there He is.

france, je t'aime

A passion of mine.

Less than 1% evangelical.
30% atheist, 10% Muslim.
6-8% attend church regularly.
80% do not own a Bible.

www.prayforfrance.org

"France is poised for revival"
March 7-27: 21 days to change a nation.

in need and receiving provision

I need the Lord to give me the grace to do my school work... this is difficult already. I am struggling to muster up the motivation to open my books and to read articles. The beginning-of-the-semester excitement that is usually so normal and present during the first couple of weeks is nowhere to be found. Even the things I once was interested in seem unimportant to me now. I really just want to spend time with the Lord, which can't be a bad thing, but does make earning a degree difficult. Or not so much difficult as it is painful. I can tell already that I'm going to need a great deal of the Lord's strength and His unchanging grace to get through this semester. He is pouring it out on me; and I know I will need it consistently for the next few months. School and work are a struggle right now, but the Lord is my great Provider.