fingers intertwined

right now i am finishing "enjoying god." in the book, s.j. hill talks about the fact that in christian circles we often claim grace but live under the law of duty and service. we assume that God would prefer us doing things for Him over spending time getting to know Him, but God desires our closeness. His nearness is our good, but we often try to serve Him from far off. i am guilty of this a lot of the time, since i'm very performance-driven. (this is partially who i am and partially how i have been conditioned to think.) this has been particularly hard for me at camp, being in a leadership position in which i am responsible for making sure that things get done. i spending hours thinking about planning skits and the teaching program, but i don't spend hours in prayer, in the Word, or in listening to my Father's heart. i want to trust the Lord with my decisions, but i often fear He won't come through in time.

in the book, hill cites a verse to demonstrate how we should aim to know God before aiming to do things for Him. i thought this was really cool. when Jesus calls His disciples, "He appointed twelve, so that they would be with Him and so that He could send them out to preach"(mark 3:14). hill notes the order of Jesus' reasoning: He called them first of all to be WITH Him, not to do a bunch of stuff for Him. Jesus earnestly desired their friendship. and yes, they would all do bunch of stuff in His name, but this was an overflow of the relationship that they had. the disciples were not doing the preaching without the intimacy of knowing their Savior on a personal level.

this makes so much sense. how could i possibly go about talking about a God i know nothing of? how could i try to worship someone i haven't sought to understand? how could i attempt to serve a stranger? i could try my hardest, but not knowing His nature, i would probably serve incorrectly.

this can all feel kind of discouraging to me sometimes. i ask myself, how can i ever know God well enough to do anything? He is unfathomable. i will fail. i wonder why i ever let myself agree to lead the teaching team. (oh right, God's calling.) i feel frustrated that i can't figure it out, and frustrated in my fear that the way i serve is most likely a contradiction to who God is, though i know this is not true. i often feel like no matter what i do, God will never think it is good enough because i will never get to a place where i know Him "well enough." all i can do is know and then serve from where i am.

i have recently felt the immense weight of performance, seeing as the teaching program for the older campers isn't done yet. i get upset because God isn't giving me some grand ideas that will win kids to Christ, and i feel like i've failed Him in every way, not to mention jonathan and everyone else on staff. in my head, i know this is not true. in my heart, it feels so real. but the Lord is consistently reassuring me that His love for me and His grace that covers my life is not conditional upon what i do for the teaching team at camp, or on what i do at all for that matter. His affections for me are not based on anything other than His nature. and for me, motivated so often by the approval of others, it strange to think that i can gain approval without doing anything.

i have recently felt more and more what it is like to consider God as my ultimate dad. the feeling of approval from my earthly dad is amazing; i love his encouragement and cherish those moments when he said "i am so proud of you" and i adore his hugs and when he kisses me goodnight even though i am nearing twenty-two. and in thinking about the Lord, how unconditional that treatment is, how tender His affections for me, how i get that "well done" without ever actually doing anything... it is often beyond what i can comprehend or bear. the nod of approval, the gentle smile, and the "you're a wonderful daughter" hug are daily occurences in my relationship with the Lord. He is always offering these reassurances to me that i so desperately need. and no matter how much i seem to fail based on earthly standards, my Abba in heaven is looking down, reaching out for my hand to give it the squeeze that says "you're the best" and "i love you more than you know."