everything is bound to change

once upon a time, i graduated from high school and went to college. lora wong made me a mix cd, and written on the cd in sharpie were the lyrics from a sean mcconnell song: "you know things can never stay the same, you know everything is bound to change." truth. things were bound to change then, in summer 2007, just as things are bound to change now. this is the course of life.

when i experience major change, i feel there is a lot to grieve: the loss of the things that have been. new, good things will come, but it's hard to deal with closing a chapter of life. i am truly a creature of habit. change is hard for me. i can't think of any other time in my life when i've felt this frustrated with the things God is doing, or in my case, the things i feel He isn't doing. i know He's working even though i don't understand but i want answers to my questions. when is He going to make me excited about the future? when will the confusion disappear? what exactly are my passions? what is my specific calling in life? these are things i really desire...

maybe the issue comes down to what everyone else is doing. other people are getting jobs in areas they're really passionate about. other people are moving to cool cities. other people are getting married. other people have actual jobs where they will make money and support themselves. other people have internships that will eventually get them jobs. other people have perfect plans developed. other people are looking forward to the future. i know i shouldn't be playing the comparison game... but sometimes, compared to all this, i feel like i have nothing.

i know the Lord has specific, perfect, individual plans just for me. i have hope that He will bring to completion all the things He's been starting in me (though i don't know His timeline). i have faith that the Lord is still good, still strong and powerful, still sovereign, still loving and kind and gracious and merciful, still righteous and holy, still perfect, still all-knowing... even though, in some moments, i often don't feel that these things are true about Him. they are still true. and Jesus is still worthy of everything: all my strength and hope, all my love and devotion, all my trust.

elissa has captured my prayer for this morning:
"i do not need to know Your schedule or Your plans
Christ died so i can live is all i need to understand
i put my trust in You and on Your promises i'll stand"

help me to know this is true, Jesus. help me to trust You.

shake the dust off your feet

the sound of music is one of my favorite movies. as a family, we would watch it during every eight-hour car trip to florida, probably because my parents knew it would keep us entertained for a solid three hours. we sang all of the songs (loudly) and knew almost all of the lines.

i was reminded today of one of my favorite parts of the movie, when the reverend mother speaks with maria in her office. it's likely that maria thought she was going to get a talking-to about her singing in the abbey, but in fact, the reverend mother tells her she will be leaving them for a while. suddenly, her entire life changes. she was going to be a nun... but everything she's assumed about her future is no longer intact, and what she thought was God's will seems to no longer be His plan. the abbey is the only place she feels she belongs, yet she is essentially given no choice but to follow another route. it seems God has, out of nowhere, thrown a curveball.

as she leaves the abbey, maria looks back and says one of the famous lines in the movie, "when the Lord closes a door... somewhere He opens a window."

i think that so many people latch onto this phrase because it is, essentially, a statement of faith and of hope. maria has absolutely no idea what awaits her at the house, but still she chooses to believe that God is going to do something good, that though He has said no to the abbey for the time being, He is doing a new thing somewhere else. it doesn't necessarily mean she'll never be back there. "but for now," He seems to be saying, "I'm doing something else. I'm sending you somewhere different. I know this isn't what you expected, I know this isn't what you thought you heard Me say, but I've got it under control." though she must've felt afraid, uncertain, and disappointed, she changes her perspective. she sees the new path not as second-string plan but instead as her primary route, as the thing that God is providing for in this time. she chooses to trust that God shut the door Himself, that He is the one who is opening the window, a window she never knew was there.

it's hard to step out in faith when we have no idea what is ahead. but God is the lamp to our feet and the light to our path. as my college pastor explained, this means that God is giving light to the places right in front of our feet so that we can walk in the dark. it doesn't mean he has illuminated the entire road, for years and years to come. it simply means He is providing us with what we need to walk on in the next few moments.

so onward i walk. not by sight, but by faith and by the Spirit. Jesus Himself said, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in darkness but will have the Light of life." (john 8.12)

it's officially time for pressing on.

bring it on, real world

it is a strange thing to begin to feel like a "grown up," to start the process everyone calls "moving on," and to look at your college room and think, "this will all be in boxes in five months." i have struggled and struggled and struggled with the future, feeling that in graduating college, my life is completely over and at the same time just beginning. i think these are all normal feelings.

lately, i have been learning to trust. i have been learning that the uncertainty surrounding the exact details of my life come september pales in comparison to the certainty of Jesus. i have been learning (once again) that the Lord intends to keep His promises and that He will provide for the things that He has called us to, even though i am just about to begin on this journey of provision. i am learning that it is my joy to do what He asks. i mean, how much better can it get than to do work for the God of the universe? i am beginning to see that Jesus really does call us to lay down everything for Him, and i often wonder if i am truly capable of doing that.

i ask Jesus a lot, "do i have what it takes?" i say to Him, "maybe You should just choose someone else, someone who is more consistent, more spiritual. You know, someone who has it together." and then i remember God doesn't make His choices this way. His work is not determined by application, by resume or by grade point average. it is instead a product of His love and His grace.

i feel blessed to be called by name by Jesus, honored to be part of His family, and excited to begin the journey of doing His work.