the past 3 months, pt. 4

some favorites from rockville regatta weekend.

the past 3 months, pt. 3

summer at st. christopher!

rae..

sometimes you just take a picture of somebody really beautiful.

cast away

today, we went to crab dock to float, eat watermelon and boiled peanuts, and just spend some time together before campers (!) arrive tomorrow. here's a picture i really like from today.

month of may

there has been so much going on recently. i have a lot of things i want to blog about - finals, graduation, plans for the fall, growing up. there is much to be said, and too much to be said right now. but those posts will come with time, and with rest.

in other news, i am at camp. a wonderful place, a place that feels like a sort of home now. and yet, i am realizing (maybe the hard way) that things never turn out the way i see them happening in my head. even at camp. but though there are some areas where i'm hurting, i know the Lord is good.

never had to have a chaperone, no sir

my to-do list for today:

(a) work on the newspaper's mammoth crossword puzzle
(b) play in the snow
(c) read as much as i want
(d) spend time alone with Jesus
(e) bake cookies
(f) play just dance on the wii with emily and will
(g) fill out my camp application
(h) maybe start a family puzzle

i think it's official. i love winter break.

oh, is-real

pictures of God's love for me this summer:

this is my cabin from session 11.

we were in 6b.

sailing!

this is my favorite sail.

walking to the mudpit!
we were really excited.

at the mudpit with lindsey,
my counselor for session 11.
she was a-ma-zing.

campfire guests.

all we were missing was the mystery machine itself.

kayaking with laura haynie.

first and last time all summer.

but it was fun.

the Lord is faithful.

(working on) abounding in the work of the Lord

when the Lord told me about a week and a few days ago that i would need to fight for Him the last week of camp, i had no idea what He meant. i thought i knew; i thought He meant that i would need to fight to pour into the kids spiritually, fight to do my own quiet time, fight the desire to not care at all, fight the desire to dream of home and forget where i was.

and yes, i did fight some of these things. but many of them were overshadowed by different, more obvious fights: nose bleeds, intense homesickness, and a stomach bug like one st. christopher has probably seen before but was still ridiculous.

i can't even explain how frustrating it was to fight all of these things. they were all, i believe, partially normal and physical and partially spiritual. i know for sure that the enemy was trying to get me where it hurt. i was so disappointed because i felt like so little spiritual change was taking place. it was all i could do to meet physical needs without collapsing, but what about these kids meeting Jesus and hearing God and all of the good things that have happened other weeks?

the last week of camp was certainly an exercise in faith: knowing that things were happening that i couldn't see. the Lord was at work in me and in the kids spiritually as i was meeting physical needs. i am constantly reminding myself that just because i don't notice doesn't mean God isn't doing good things.

i myself had been battling my own homesickness for a couple weeks, so i feel glad to be home. the stomach bug did eventually catch up to me saturday night, right when i arrived in athens. the Lord is reminding me that here is no different than there: i am still going to be fighting for Jesus, fighting my flesh, fighting the enemy.

the best part of the fight is the knowledge that Jesus has victory.

"but thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 cor. 15:57)

let me find i'm at Your feet

things worth fighting for require the fight.

last summer was hard.
there were fears that the Lord's love cast out.
there were doubts that i wrestled that the Lord covered with peace.
there was sorrow, and with time, the Lord's joy clothed me fully.
there was confusion and disappointment and anger and frustration, but the Lord's grace was a constant during all these times.

but last summer was so good.
God blessed me in more ways than i can remember.
He taught me so much about Himself, about His heart for me.
He taught me about patience, how to wait for Him.
He gave me such a desire for His Word.

i expected this summer to be hard.
but not in ways i've experienced.
i knew that leading a team would be hard.
but i expected to breeze through everything else.

i expected to have everything else under control.
(yes, MY control.)
and, as always, God surprised me in the best ways.
He showed me that it's His control that's important.
that i am small but loved.
that i am known and understood.
that i am His own.

He wants to give good gifts to His children.
i have asked and received.
it hasn't been easy.
but the fight is worth it.
the race is important.
i want to run the course the Lord has set for me.

i am ready for this year.
i am excited for this year.

God is GOOD despite my exhaustion.
God is in me, even when i am tired.
mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually drained.
i'm ready for the Lord's strength to kick in.
hear that, God?
i'm ready and i can't do it without You.
i don't know why i would want to.
i don't know how i could.

Lord, i love You.
have Your way with me.

thought is the blossom

sometimes it is much easier to blog when i only have a few things on my mind. those are times when i am focused and i know what to say. there are other times, like the past week or so, when i have SO many things on my mind, heart, and soul that i don't know how to even begin.

so, for today, a list format will do.
here are some of the things i have thought about, prayed for, wrestled with, rejoiced in, and been taught this week, in no particular order:

-the Holy Spirit, receiving Him, baptism of Him, Him being in me vs. upon me
-frustration, insecurity, inadequacy
-annointing for ministry and edification
-spiritual gifts, prayer languages (tongues), the spirit of discernment
-what is worship, dancing before the Lord, glory, being bold in spirit, being at the foot of the throne in worship, seeing the Lord's feet!
-God's holiness in view of my sinfulness
-calling to missions, France
-letting God into areas of past hurt, bitterness
-my relationship to the Law, being a stumbling block
-the Lord Himself being the very reward i desire
-Voyage of the Dawn Treader and Eustice's dragon skin coming off
-loving the Lord so much that my heart gets destroyed... in a good way

yes, i know. a lot to think about for one week!

the comfort of You near is what i long for

i love firsts in life. yesterday one happened to me. but it wasn't super loveable. it involved the ocean, something squishy and jelly-like, a stinging sensation, and the entirety of my left shin. in the realm of jellystings, though, it was minor.

in other news of firsts, i am really excited for jen's wedding. second to Jesus, the prospect of seeing jen and david get married and the dancing afterwards is what is getting me through this week relatively stress-free. even though i think i have plenty of things i could be stressing about, i have found that it is really not worth the stress. God's going to do what He's going to do... with or without my careful planning, perfect preparation, or practice.

the past few weeks have really been an exercise in letting go. even though i don't feel any perfect confirmation about the things i'm doing, i know that the Lord is in everything. i haven't been feeling much at all recently, as i normally would. in praying about it, i think the Lord is teaching me to trust Him even when i don't feel the evidences of His presence. this is the essence of faith, right? being certain of something i can't feel.

i bought brooke fraser's cd "albertine" about a week ago. it is awesome. give it a listen. the Lord has been using it to speak to me.

when i can't feel You, i have learned to reach out just the same
when i can't hear You, i know You still hear every word i pray
and i want You more than i want to live another day
and as i wait for You, maybe i'm made more faithful
-brooke fraser, "faithful"

i rejoice in the Lord, for He is renewing me day by day. He is pouring out His grace and mercy in my heart. He is making me strong. He is growing in me a faithful heart.

where we will wallow

one of many reasons to love camp: pluff mud!


photo cred (like street cred but cooler) goes to laura haynie on rebecca moseley's camera.

deep desperation

i finished "enjoying god" and as always, i am amazed at the Lord's sovereignty in my life, how perfect He is in His timing, how precise He is in His plan. i started this book fall semester with my discipler, and when i started meeting with hillary in the spring, i just set the book aside, not knowing whether i would read it again later. as i packed for camp, i hurriedly grab it off the shelf, not thinking anything of it. and as i have read the second half here, almost seven months later, it is speaking exactly to where i am. it's so cool how the Lord used what seemed to me to be a not-so-great situation to grow me in this past week or so.

i love how God's ways are so much higher than my own.

in the book, hill addresses God's withdrawing His presence from us and how this can be the Lord's way of growing us into a deeper desire for intimacy with Him. i have been feeling a little bit dry lately, and i think a lot of this has to do with the fact that i haven't been able to really worship regularly. it's hard doing teaching program things, because i need to be making sure things are running smoothly while everyone else is singing. this isn't exactly the same as the Lord taking His presence, but it feels similarly to me. in turn, i am feeling a longing for the Lord bubble up in me, which is a really good thing, something i've been needing to experience.

there is a story in the book of a teacher and young man he is mentoring. the teacher walks the guy, eyes closed, into a lake until his head is covered. the teacher holds him under. eventually, the student starts to kick and flail, trying to come up to breathe. when the young man asks the teacher why he would do that, the teacher simply replied, "when you want God as much as you wanted air, you shall find Him."

on thursday, i was swimming a bit in the ocean after the mudpit (part of the sweating-out-the-pluff-mud-smell process). i decided to try this little story, and so i took as many strokes as possible before breathing. as i would finally gasp for some air, i would think about how much i felt i needed that air, and what it felt like to receive it.

this reminded me of how we don't really think through the things we sing. there is a worship song with the words "i need You more than the air i breathe." as many times as i have sung that song, i had never considered what i was professing until thursday. i had never thought through what wanting the Lord more than oxygen would look like. but i think i may have acquired a tiny glimpse of this.

and out of my barrenness and brokenness, i find i thirst for Jesus, knowing that He sees me even in my wilderness.

fingers intertwined

right now i am finishing "enjoying god." in the book, s.j. hill talks about the fact that in christian circles we often claim grace but live under the law of duty and service. we assume that God would prefer us doing things for Him over spending time getting to know Him, but God desires our closeness. His nearness is our good, but we often try to serve Him from far off. i am guilty of this a lot of the time, since i'm very performance-driven. (this is partially who i am and partially how i have been conditioned to think.) this has been particularly hard for me at camp, being in a leadership position in which i am responsible for making sure that things get done. i spending hours thinking about planning skits and the teaching program, but i don't spend hours in prayer, in the Word, or in listening to my Father's heart. i want to trust the Lord with my decisions, but i often fear He won't come through in time.

in the book, hill cites a verse to demonstrate how we should aim to know God before aiming to do things for Him. i thought this was really cool. when Jesus calls His disciples, "He appointed twelve, so that they would be with Him and so that He could send them out to preach"(mark 3:14). hill notes the order of Jesus' reasoning: He called them first of all to be WITH Him, not to do a bunch of stuff for Him. Jesus earnestly desired their friendship. and yes, they would all do bunch of stuff in His name, but this was an overflow of the relationship that they had. the disciples were not doing the preaching without the intimacy of knowing their Savior on a personal level.

this makes so much sense. how could i possibly go about talking about a God i know nothing of? how could i try to worship someone i haven't sought to understand? how could i attempt to serve a stranger? i could try my hardest, but not knowing His nature, i would probably serve incorrectly.

this can all feel kind of discouraging to me sometimes. i ask myself, how can i ever know God well enough to do anything? He is unfathomable. i will fail. i wonder why i ever let myself agree to lead the teaching team. (oh right, God's calling.) i feel frustrated that i can't figure it out, and frustrated in my fear that the way i serve is most likely a contradiction to who God is, though i know this is not true. i often feel like no matter what i do, God will never think it is good enough because i will never get to a place where i know Him "well enough." all i can do is know and then serve from where i am.

i have recently felt the immense weight of performance, seeing as the teaching program for the older campers isn't done yet. i get upset because God isn't giving me some grand ideas that will win kids to Christ, and i feel like i've failed Him in every way, not to mention jonathan and everyone else on staff. in my head, i know this is not true. in my heart, it feels so real. but the Lord is consistently reassuring me that His love for me and His grace that covers my life is not conditional upon what i do for the teaching team at camp, or on what i do at all for that matter. His affections for me are not based on anything other than His nature. and for me, motivated so often by the approval of others, it strange to think that i can gain approval without doing anything.

i have recently felt more and more what it is like to consider God as my ultimate dad. the feeling of approval from my earthly dad is amazing; i love his encouragement and cherish those moments when he said "i am so proud of you" and i adore his hugs and when he kisses me goodnight even though i am nearing twenty-two. and in thinking about the Lord, how unconditional that treatment is, how tender His affections for me, how i get that "well done" without ever actually doing anything... it is often beyond what i can comprehend or bear. the nod of approval, the gentle smile, and the "you're a wonderful daughter" hug are daily occurences in my relationship with the Lord. He is always offering these reassurances to me that i so desperately need. and no matter how much i seem to fail based on earthly standards, my Abba in heaven is looking down, reaching out for my hand to give it the squeeze that says "you're the best" and "i love you more than you know."

process.

i am in the processing stage. walking around athens, i feel like i'm having an out-of-body experience. i'm not really sure what's going on most of the time, but i'm trusting.

revelation: i think i'm a little bit more like Christ than when i left athens. i am finding myself surprised by my reactions to certain situations. and this must be because i am changed. the Lord has changed my heart this summer. melted; softened it in the right places; in the best ways.

i know that the Lord has gone before me this semester. and i'm excited about that.

i got cheerwine in a bottle today. so good. i got cheerwine in cans from kroger. so so good.

this version of the doxology keeps coming to me as i seek to understand, as i continually realize that i am not capable of understanding. only the Lord is right now. who am i to question His choices, His will, His ways?

oh the depths of the riches of the wisdom & knowledge of God
how unsearchable are His judgments,
how unknowable are His paths
who knows the mind of our God?
& who can bring cousel to Him?
who has given to God that He should repay?

for from Him,
through Him,
& to Him
is everything.

to God be the glory forever & ever.
amen.

from romans 11.

call & response.

session 1: middle school.
He calls us beautiful, loved, and worthy, something that God gave me to speak over a bunch of the girls who were at camp this week. He is all we need, and it is in Him that we are whole and complete, not in anything or anyone else.

session 2: 4th-6th grade.
there's something about this age that makes for a huge range of interests, experiences, and maturity levels. because of that, this week was a little hard. God wants to know you, specifically and intimately. He wants a relationship with you, a true friendship. He wants it to be personal.

session 3: 2nd-4th grade.
a beautiful bunch of kids, who put joy in my heart that i wasn't sure i'd be able to have after this past year. at this age, these girls were so interested in who Jesus was and what He was to them. He loves you, He hears your prayers, He is with you wherever you go. He died for you, so that you could live.

session 4: buddy camp.
while it's a little more difficult with the adults around, these two days were good, and i was so encouraged by some of the parents who prayed with their kids, who painted pictures that had to do with God in arts and crafts, and who were insistent upon setting the same example for their kids that Jesus sets for all of us.

certainly the most adrenaline-pumping moment yet this summer happened on friday, when a dad ran out of the ocean with his son, whose foot was so cut open it looked like a piece of it was missing. i was the one who saw it, so i took off running and praying up the beach to a walkie talkie. i called the nurse, sat the boy down, and did some first aid action. i asked stafford, a fellow staff member, to talk to him (we threw out as many questions about swimming as we could come up with) while i rinsed it with water and gauzed it upon. i could barely wrap it though, i was a little shaky. after sending him off with the nurse (he eventually got five stitches), i was still a little shaken, and it took me about a day to be feeling back to normal; i was weirdly emotional about random things for about 24 hours.

this whole situation though is proof that God has everything happen for a reason, and i was specifically placed there at that moment so i could respond to this situation. originally, i was going to miss buddy camp for a wedding, but decided that camp probably needed me there. then, i was on rescue boat duty but the motor was acting up, which is the whole reason that i was even on the beach at that time. not to say God needed me there (He could've easily done it without me), but He certainly used me.

i am so pumped for senior session, which starts on monday.
i can't wait for God to meet these high schoolers like they've never experienced before.

also, God just keeps showing me what a blessing this staff has been. God continues to confirm things through them, bless me with conversations that really point me to Him, and to find that sense of understanding in having the same struggles or learning the same things about God...sometimes the hard way. God has been using a lot of them to reveal things to me and to really purify and refine me this summer.


they are such a blessing; i see God's face in them and hear God's voice from them.

fiddler crabs & mud pie.

it's weird to think i've been at camp for a month now. God has been teaching me some crazy things since i arrived in south carolina; some of them are actual, tangible, physical skills while others are purely Him revealing Himself to me day in and day out, moment by moment.

the ocean: a place where i never spent much time and therefore never much enjoyed before i got here. i always disliked the saltiness and the sandiness of it, and the marine life really creeped me out. in a few weeks i have come to love the feeling of being coated in seawater and to truly enjoy laying in the sand, no towel included. (at camp, the towel monster eats any towels that come to the beach.) and while i may still be uncomfortable about the jellyfish, stingrays, and sharks with me in the water, i have found that even the kids who are native to the beach aren't crazy about what's swimming beneath them. when i swim in the ocean, God speaks to me and over me, which is pretty cool. He tells me that i shouldn't be afraid, that He is immediately close, and that He's holding onto me.

the place: i know where i am, surprinsgly enough. seabrook, kiawah, johns island, james island, edisto island, daniels island, deveaux bank, botany bay, stono river, rockville, mt pleasant, wadmawlaw island. these all mean something to me now.

the wildlife: i have seen some alligators and know a little bit about how they get their prey. i have learned the names of some fish; anchovies, silversides, pompineaux, whitings. i know the difference between an american and a cownose stingray. i can identify a few jellyfish; cannonball, moon, man of war. i see pelicans plung in the water to scoop up fish. i see dolphins a lot; the other day i saw a few from about ten feet away. beautiful.

the boat: while i am by no means a sailor, i know the parts of a sailboat, i can rig it up, and i can sail it. i still have trouble conceptualizing and understanding the theory, which could either be because i didn't grow up coastal or just because feeling the wind and knowing the current doesn't come naturally to me. but i'm learning! and God is being so cool through it all, because i'm learning a lot about His word and His nature by being out on open water. first of all, paul sailed all around during his ministry; so i'm learning to do something that one of the great apostles of Christ did, which is pretty sweet. (i'm also doing like the disciples when seigning, dragging a giant net through the water). Jesus preached from a boat, His disciples feared the storm, He calmed it. the waves crash and the wind blows, and i get scared. but God calms storms today like He did then and like He says He will. and i suppose being out there makes these verses more real for me.

the call: God has been so faithful in confirming that this is the place i'm supposed to be this summer. He has been sending me the signals since the first day i got here, and they've only been building as the days have passed. His patience, His promises, the idea of idolatry, listening and waiting on God, beauty and love and worth; tons of things God spoke into me and taught me this past year were just springing up in worship and conversation. Scripture has confirmed it, and the Holy Spirit confirms it nearly every morning.

"in the morning, i will sing of Your loving kindness and at night, i will sing of Your faithfulness"

i haven't even started on the kids and what God has done these first two sessions, but i will get there. because God is producing fruit, and i'm getting to witness some amazing moments.

my feet are always dirty, and it's amazing.
-laura

and there are phosphorscent phytoplankton. when i hang my feet off the dock and move my toes, they light up in water.

sparkle and glow.