come.

"wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest."
-my utmost for His highest, august 20

i spend a lot of my energy wrestling with anxiety, with doubt, with fear. Jesus calls out to me, "come to me, laura elizabeth, you are wearied, i will give you rest... in me, you will find rest for your soul." (matthew 11:28-30) Jesus doesn't tell me that He can give me rest but that He will.

i ask why, Lord? what's going on? why do i feel i'm at this life thing alone sometimes? i beg for answers, like thomas, "Lord, i don't know where You're going, how will i know the way?" (john 14:5) i don't feel i know the way at all, and i cry out in my confusion. Jesus answers me, "peace i leave you, laura; i am giving you my peace, not the peace the world tries to give you. do not let your heart be troubled; do not be afraid, laura." (john 14:27) Jesus tells me to not be afraid. He commands me, "be strong, laura, have courage. do not be shaken, do not be dejected. i am with you wherever you go, laura." (joshua 1:9) Jesus has not left me homeless, He has given me a home in Him. i am not alone.

i use a lot of my heart and my thoughts trying to figure things out, trying to create my perfect plan, my perfect next step, my perfect life. and the pressure i place on myself is too much, trying and trying to do it myself, never stopping to listen. Jesus says to me, "laura, laura, you are worried and bothered by so many things... stop, sit at my feet, listen to me. then you will know what can never be taken, then you will know what will last." (luke 10:38-42) Jesus asks me to listen to His word; the rest will be taken care of. He says to me, "laura, cast your anxiety on me. i care for you." (1 peter 5:7)

i often walk in fear that i will do something wrong, that i have made the wrong choice, that i have screwed things up, that i have failed again. but God encourages me, "laura, i am not giving you the spirit of fear. i am giving you this kind of spirit: my power, my love, my discipline." (2 timothy 1:7) He says, use these things, walk in this way, not in the way of your old life but in the way of your overflowing life in Me. and as for your failures, do you think i am not enough to cover them? Jesus tells me, "laura, i bore your sins in my body on the cross, so that you might die to your sin and live to righteousness, for by my wounds, you are healed." (1 peter 2:24) do you hear me, laura? Jesus Christ died to heal me. "i have showed my deep love for you: though you were a sinner, i died for you." (romans 5:8) God has not left me without a Redeemer: His name is Jesus.

Jesus says, "laura, do not be afraid. i have redeemed you. i am calling you by your name. you belong to me." (isaiah 43:1) don't you know that your name means victory? what have you to fear?

laura, when you know my unquenchable love for You, when you know you are healed and redeemed and clean before me, you will know my unfathomable peace, you will experience my rest, you will be able to sit still. you will not longer live in a constant state of anxiety and fear if you know the "breadth and length and height depth of my love which surpasses knowledge." (ephesians 3:18-19) you will have all the strength and courage and power and love and discipline that you need. i have already given them to you, laura. when you rest secure in my love for you, you will see them play out in your life. you will see that you have everything that you need in me, that in me all things hold together. you will find rest for your soul. cease your striving, laura. come to Me that you might know Me.

---

laura elizabeth,
come, walk toward me.
make my grace your home,
make my goodness your shelter,
make my love the place you dwell always.
by my wounds, you are healed.
love, Jesus

something worth holding onto

although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. -helen keller

healing takes time.

because God takes His time. not because He enjoys our pain but because His love for us is enough to let us stay there while He is a doing work in us.

i always knew this. but i also always assumed it would come easier to me, and in a shorter time frame. and yet, still, i'm me, alone and frustrated by my complete inability to heal myself. by the fact that such a long long time later, i am still wounded.

i have to catch myself in the net, pull myself back on board, and remind myself that it is not me doing the healing at all. it has never been me. (repeating it to myself: it has never, ever, ever been me.) the Lord has been healing me all along, slowly but surely, more gently now than it felt before. His touch is so evident in how my heart has changed.

and still, i complain. maybe not externally, maybe not the way i do about my term papers. but i do make my case. God, why are there parts of me where i still feel injured? why are there certain aspects of myself that are calloused? why, Lord, can i not bring myself to feel things i felt before? why is this still so hard sometimes?

it's not the thing itself anymore. it's the side effects. it's the parts of me that have changed as a result. they are now my battle. they are now my prayer.

it's the deep parts of me that i don't reveal to anyone. they are where the healing is going to happen soon. i know it.

in certain areas, i have become more of a runner than i was before. i hide. and these are the deep repercussions of being hurt. these are the remnants of pain. this is what is left of what i gave away. broken pieces.

it frustrates me that i have such a hard time admitting it most of the time. i'm scared you won't understand. i'm scared you'll think of me differently. i'm scared you'll treat me like i'm shattered. i'm scared you'll actually read this.

and somehow i muster the strength to care less about you and more about the Lord. i sit. i try to start. i fail. and i procede. i force myself to type. because in a lot of ways, this is the only place i feel comfortable and uncomfortable with where i am.

i worry that one day, a long time from now, i will wake up and realize that i am the same. i fear that i will accept this brokenness as part of who i am and who i always will be. and while brokenness is an innate part of my humanity, this specific brokennes, this exact wound, is not who i am. it is not who i will be. it is only part of shaping me into the woman that God has intended me to be all along.

"this too will pass" and the places where i was cracked, i will be sealed. and yet there it will be, the place where the blood once was. the spot that was once so cold and foreign will be warm and familiar, part of who i am only because the Lord has changed its nature.

it seems contradictory. but it is no longer a reminder of my failure and shame, of all the ways i did things wrong. it is a testimony to all the things the Lord has done right. this hurt will be part of me only because the Lord is redeeming it. this mark will be mine to cherish, because God has made it beautiful in its time.