something worth holding onto

although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. -helen keller

healing takes time.

because God takes His time. not because He enjoys our pain but because His love for us is enough to let us stay there while He is a doing work in us.

i always knew this. but i also always assumed it would come easier to me, and in a shorter time frame. and yet, still, i'm me, alone and frustrated by my complete inability to heal myself. by the fact that such a long long time later, i am still wounded.

i have to catch myself in the net, pull myself back on board, and remind myself that it is not me doing the healing at all. it has never been me. (repeating it to myself: it has never, ever, ever been me.) the Lord has been healing me all along, slowly but surely, more gently now than it felt before. His touch is so evident in how my heart has changed.

and still, i complain. maybe not externally, maybe not the way i do about my term papers. but i do make my case. God, why are there parts of me where i still feel injured? why are there certain aspects of myself that are calloused? why, Lord, can i not bring myself to feel things i felt before? why is this still so hard sometimes?

it's not the thing itself anymore. it's the side effects. it's the parts of me that have changed as a result. they are now my battle. they are now my prayer.

it's the deep parts of me that i don't reveal to anyone. they are where the healing is going to happen soon. i know it.

in certain areas, i have become more of a runner than i was before. i hide. and these are the deep repercussions of being hurt. these are the remnants of pain. this is what is left of what i gave away. broken pieces.

it frustrates me that i have such a hard time admitting it most of the time. i'm scared you won't understand. i'm scared you'll think of me differently. i'm scared you'll treat me like i'm shattered. i'm scared you'll actually read this.

and somehow i muster the strength to care less about you and more about the Lord. i sit. i try to start. i fail. and i procede. i force myself to type. because in a lot of ways, this is the only place i feel comfortable and uncomfortable with where i am.

i worry that one day, a long time from now, i will wake up and realize that i am the same. i fear that i will accept this brokenness as part of who i am and who i always will be. and while brokenness is an innate part of my humanity, this specific brokennes, this exact wound, is not who i am. it is not who i will be. it is only part of shaping me into the woman that God has intended me to be all along.

"this too will pass" and the places where i was cracked, i will be sealed. and yet there it will be, the place where the blood once was. the spot that was once so cold and foreign will be warm and familiar, part of who i am only because the Lord has changed its nature.

it seems contradictory. but it is no longer a reminder of my failure and shame, of all the ways i did things wrong. it is a testimony to all the things the Lord has done right. this hurt will be part of me only because the Lord is redeeming it. this mark will be mine to cherish, because God has made it beautiful in its time.