everything is Yours

A lot has happened since I've returned from France. I've seen roommates in Roswell, spent time with best friends in Athens and at home, spent time with camp friends in Charleston, had family from Florida come for Thanksgiving. My little sister turned sixteen. (Crazy.) I've been to two Falcons games with my dad. I've run tons of errands and done some cleaning with my mom, which is some of my favorite time we get to spend together, just being in the car, doing whatever and talking. UGA beat Georgia Tech and took the SEC East. I saw Needtobreathe in concert, and it was incredible.

On the "well-that's-nice-but-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life-and-what-about-your-future" note, the Lord's hand was definitely in my going to France (I knew it before, but it's nice to see it in hindsight too). Being in France reminded me of why I majored in French, of why I love speaking French, of why I love the French language, French literature, French history, French culture. It was so nice to live and dress and walk and think in French. Even though I felt clumsy and unnatural and awkward and overly American at first, it came to feel very natural. So much so, I suppose, that my English was incredibly jumbled in my mind and, at times, difficult to speak when I returned home. Being there, it was as if all of my French classes were coming to life in front of me, and it was exciting. It was that moment when you realize that you've learned something in college, and not only something useful, but also something that you love.

So, I'm four days out from taking the GRE (boo for standardized testing) and not too far from completing my application. Graduate school, here I come! (Well, hopefully.) I've known since about halfway through college that I wouldn't be done with school after my undergraduate degree (I think I love learning too much), but I wasn't really sure when or where or how that would happen. Now, I'm planning on getting my Masters degree in French. To do what, you ask? I've decided I don't have to know right this second. Right now I'm thinking teaching, but it's not my only option. Ministry is still on the table too. But for now, I really feel that this is where the Lord is leading me. It may seem silly, getting more education when I could be out doing something that seems, from the other side, a lot more productive. But for me, this is the next step. I don't know where God is taking me in the long run, but this is where He is taking me now. So here's to hoping for an acceptance letter come spring!

And with all this excitement also comes change. Letting go, moving on, saying goodbye. Yesterday my best friend of ten years, Rachel, left to begin her service in the Peace Corps as a health educator. She's going to spend over two years in Guinea, in West Africa, which means that, as far as I know right now, I won't see her again until February of 2014, when we are both twenty-five. It's a weird feeling, to be so excited for someone that you want to burst and, at the same time, to feel that all you want is for her to not be so far away.

Spending Friday night with her, right after Thanksgiving, as we were lying in her bed next to each other, trying to fall asleep as we've done at least a hundred times before, I just kept thinking of how thankful I was that God had given me such a good friend for such a long time. And I was reminded of the bridge of a long-time loved worship song that gets me every time: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." I have cried over so many things just trying to muster those words, knowing how hard it is to be okay with God's divine sovereignty, with His choice to take things away. I was reminded that I needed to be thankful to God even though I felt I was losing her for awhile. God is still so good, He is still the perfect Father, He is still the Giver of all things. Job knew this as he asked his wife, "Are we only going to accept the good things from God and not the hard things too?" (Yes, that is my personal paraphrasing.) I remembered how important it is to hold the gifts He gives us loosely, knowing that all things are from Him and through Him and to Him, just as Rachel belongs to Him. She is His beautiful daughter. He is taking her on an amazing adventure, and I am so blessed to call her my friend, to watch her grow and change from afar.

I've been reminded this Thanksgiving season, through saying goodbye to Rachel and through many other avenues, that gratitude isn't about being thankful for the things we have. It's not about "I'm thankful that we can play Just Dance 3 on our Wii" (though it is super fun) or "I'm thankful for my opportunities and my education" or even "I'm thankful for my family and friends." It's great to recognize what wonderful blessings those things are. But our real gratitude it seems, should stem from our thankfulness to God for the gift of His love for us, that He has given us Himself and His Son, that He is who He says He is. Because even without all the things we go on about being thankful for, we would still have reason to praise Him. Because He is God and because He loves us forever.

I still feel I have a lot more things going on to share, but this seems enough for one post. In many ways, I feel I'm still a teenager, and in other ways I feel I am, in this season, growing into more of an adult, even as I live at home with my parents for a time. I think I am changing and growing, and that makes me excited. Though it's a (very, very, very) slow process, I'm hoping I'm starting to look a little bit more like Jesus. God, in His infinite grace toward me in this season, is truly the One to be thankful for.

a little post-france thought

seeing another country is new and exhausting and trying and wonderful. it makes one ripe for change, for growth, and unfamiliar things and people and places have made me realize my smallness in the world, my own insignificance, and in the best way. in the way that makes you look around, turn a full circle about yourself, and think, "the world really does not revolve around me. God is so big, so much bigger than the jar of my life i've placed Him in." His everywhereness - i think the official word is omnipresence - becomes so clear. His involvement in so many things outside of me is undeniable.

the beauty of the world, of france, in the natural southern olive groves and in the man-made palaces, have made me see God in a new light. to truly recognize Him as Lord over everything, even over things and people that do not want to be lorded over, is eye-opening.

to see cathedrals, flamboyant and overdone, and to notice the contrast - it seems like too much, as if God would have much preferred the down-trodden of the day to benefit from such resources, and yet it seems not enough, not enough light and color and detail and beauty and majesty, even in the incredible art and architecture, to reflect the glory of a divine and holy King. truly, the Lord of heaven and earth does not dwell in temples made by human hands. He dwells everywhere, in france and the states, even within my little, wretched, so-in-need-of-grace heart.

there will be much more about my trip - things we did and things i've learned, pictures and words and thoughts and verses - once i collect all my files and thoughts. all in due time.

more fully myself

the Lord has really been speaking to me through this devotional. i've come back to it over and over in the past few mornings and evenings, rereading and thinking about being myself, being changed, and being known by God:

"I designed you to live in union with Me. This union does not negate who you are; it actually makes you more fully yourself. When you try to live independently of me, you experience emptiness and dissatisfaction. You may gain the whole world and yet lose everything that really counts.

Find fulfillment through living close to Me, yielding to My purposes for you. Though I may lead you along paths tht feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing. If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately - far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be."

-Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, September 16

"for You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.

i will give thanks to You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made;

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

my frame was not hidden from You,

when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,

when as yet there was not one of them."

-psalm 139:13-16

"quand je n'étais qu'une masse informe, tes yeux me voyaient; et sur ton livre étaient tous inscrits les jours qui m'étaient destinés, avant qu'aucun d'eux existât." -psaume 139:16

for surely You are a God who sees.

everything is bound to change

once upon a time, i graduated from high school and went to college. lora wong made me a mix cd, and written on the cd in sharpie were the lyrics from a sean mcconnell song: "you know things can never stay the same, you know everything is bound to change." truth. things were bound to change then, in summer 2007, just as things are bound to change now. this is the course of life.

when i experience major change, i feel there is a lot to grieve: the loss of the things that have been. new, good things will come, but it's hard to deal with closing a chapter of life. i am truly a creature of habit. change is hard for me. i can't think of any other time in my life when i've felt this frustrated with the things God is doing, or in my case, the things i feel He isn't doing. i know He's working even though i don't understand but i want answers to my questions. when is He going to make me excited about the future? when will the confusion disappear? what exactly are my passions? what is my specific calling in life? these are things i really desire...

maybe the issue comes down to what everyone else is doing. other people are getting jobs in areas they're really passionate about. other people are moving to cool cities. other people are getting married. other people have actual jobs where they will make money and support themselves. other people have internships that will eventually get them jobs. other people have perfect plans developed. other people are looking forward to the future. i know i shouldn't be playing the comparison game... but sometimes, compared to all this, i feel like i have nothing.

i know the Lord has specific, perfect, individual plans just for me. i have hope that He will bring to completion all the things He's been starting in me (though i don't know His timeline). i have faith that the Lord is still good, still strong and powerful, still sovereign, still loving and kind and gracious and merciful, still righteous and holy, still perfect, still all-knowing... even though, in some moments, i often don't feel that these things are true about Him. they are still true. and Jesus is still worthy of everything: all my strength and hope, all my love and devotion, all my trust.

elissa has captured my prayer for this morning:
"i do not need to know Your schedule or Your plans
Christ died so i can live is all i need to understand
i put my trust in You and on Your promises i'll stand"

help me to know this is true, Jesus. help me to trust You.

the terrible not knowing

To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don’t know.

I feel as though I’ve spent almost the last year of my life trying to wrestle with the future – or maybe to wrestle with God about the future. I’ve prayed, waited, listened… and yet, I still feel unsure. I feel pressure to decide quickly, pressure to have an answered prepared to the ever-dreaded question of, “And what are you going to do with that degree?” It seems I’ve spent most of college content with the amorphous “I’m not sure yet,” but now is that moment where that answer no longer suffices for those around me.

I feel called to France; I feel certainly called to France. I guess it’s the determination of when and where and how that I’m hung up on. I have options – they have always been there – but it seems this process has involved slowly ruling out things I’m not supposed to so. I haven’t gotten to the things the Lord meant me for. I ruled out teaching abroad. I feel called to ministry in France. My most promising prospect at the moment is YWAM, but I really want to interact with, to love on, and to be involved with the church in France. I don’t know how much of this will happen during the classroom setting of a DTS. And there it ends, for the most part.

I fear leaving the States. I fear leaving my family. Emily will be going on 16, and I love her as myself. I fear leaving my friendships, my potential to get married… I feel that all these things are here. I fear that I will be forever lonely, or never have a job that pays, or never be any good at ministry. I fear I will lose dancing. I fear I will lose my confidence. I fear my own self, as all of my frustrations and doubts seem to have bubbled to the surface of my consistently flawed faith in Jesus, and all in the last few months. When faced with such uncertainty, I realize that I am seeing myself as I truly am – “oh, me of little faith.”

I have thought about interning at Wesley, I have thought about doing the CORE at camp, I have thought about getting a waitressing job before applying to graduate school for foreign language education, and I have thought about enrolling in floral design school (yes, I’m completely serious). What I find myself wondering, in the end, is whether not going to France in this next year might be in the cards for me. I refuse to abandon France altogether – I know the Lord will have me there somehow. I just wonder whether this is the time. I wonder if there is even a specific time at all. Nothing seems to be working the way I thought it would. Nothing is nearly as exciting as I had imagined. All these “doors” that I thought would open are just floating out in space. I generally just say that that is my fault for not taking enough initiative. And so I ask myself, “Is this the time for France? And if I don’t go this year, will the Lord be disappointed in me? Will I have failed?”

I know the Lord has already worked things together for me, but I wonder how much more guidance I can ask for from Him. Am I missing the point completely? Has He showed me His will clearly or is it just not yet the time for me to know? I feel my life slowly filling with confusion and emptying of excitement about the future. It’s hard for me to look forward to graduation (even though my tassels are pretty) when I feel lost about what comes after camp this summer.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more immature, weak, or helpless in my life. When I look around, I see friends and acquaintances and strangers who aren’t in their last year of college, and all I feel is envy. I want that freedom, the freedom to be able to say “I don’t really know yet.” And though I could’ve graduated in December, I decided to stick around for this last semester, hoping and trusting that through it, the Lord would provide me some answers, some time, and some peace. And though I still trust the Lord with all of this, I am frustrated. Though I am found in Christ, it’s hard not to feel lost.

I am tired of asking what I should do and where I should go and what I should be. Instead, I want to be wholly focused on the Lord. And in that, I will hope that the rest will follow in God’s time. So this is my prayer: Jesus, be all that I need. Remind me that without You, I have nothing, and that with You, I have everything.

bring it on, real world

it is a strange thing to begin to feel like a "grown up," to start the process everyone calls "moving on," and to look at your college room and think, "this will all be in boxes in five months." i have struggled and struggled and struggled with the future, feeling that in graduating college, my life is completely over and at the same time just beginning. i think these are all normal feelings.

lately, i have been learning to trust. i have been learning that the uncertainty surrounding the exact details of my life come september pales in comparison to the certainty of Jesus. i have been learning (once again) that the Lord intends to keep His promises and that He will provide for the things that He has called us to, even though i am just about to begin on this journey of provision. i am learning that it is my joy to do what He asks. i mean, how much better can it get than to do work for the God of the universe? i am beginning to see that Jesus really does call us to lay down everything for Him, and i often wonder if i am truly capable of doing that.

i ask Jesus a lot, "do i have what it takes?" i say to Him, "maybe You should just choose someone else, someone who is more consistent, more spiritual. You know, someone who has it together." and then i remember God doesn't make His choices this way. His work is not determined by application, by resume or by grade point average. it is instead a product of His love and His grace.

i feel blessed to be called by name by Jesus, honored to be part of His family, and excited to begin the journey of doing His work.

oh, i'm ready to fall

today i woke up. i got my hair cut. i am currently having my first pumpkin spice latte since its awaited return. i love my friends. i am so excited for fall. and though i don't really want to write a five-page french essay and i'm choosing to rejoice in uncomfortable change, i'm happy to be alive.

sometimes i wonder if God made this season just for me. that's how blessed i am to finally catch some glimpes of fall. some things are dying and falling away; other things are coming to fruition and are ready to be harvested. i think i'm in a sort of autumn myself.

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
-George Eliot