throw it in reverse

Sometimes I forget that I am no longer a junior in high school. (Seventeen was a very good year.) I forget that then, I was the chattiest person I knew. I told everyone all my own secrets. I forget that then, I was finally, slowly, developing a social aspect to my life. I forget that then, everything seemed new: friends, driving, very little sleep, college, music, life, missions. I forget that I was very much the same person then that I am now. And I forget that I am a completely different person now than I was then.

Sometimes I forget that I am no longer a freshman in college. (A hard year.) I forget that I have lost that bitter taste in my mouth that I carried when I was nineteen. (Well, at least the constant biting bitterness that I refused to let fall.) I forget that I no longer treat my friends so badly, in the way I did then. I forget that my circumstances have changed. I forget that then I had more free time, more free spirits, but less freedom in the Lord. I forget that I once said whatever was on my mind: honesty is the best policy...right? I forget that back then I thought I knew it all. Now I feel I know so very little.

Sometimes I find it hard living in my present, where I am. Sometimes I view my circumstances in their previous context, the way I remember them originally, instead of their current one. I sometimes find I still see people, events, ideas, the way I used to. As if they haven't changed with time. As if they've been crystallized there. As if I am permitted to change but they are not. This view leads to frustration, misunderstanding... I see things as they were and myself as I am. Instead of things as they were, I as I was. And things as they are, I as I am.

Sometimes I forget, or intentionally ignore, that God has brought me along for His ride. Sometimes I forget that God has done the changing in me, in my life, in the people I care about. Sometimes I miss the point. That the Lord has me right where He wants me. That I don't need to worry about what's passed and who's changed. Sometimes others should be my concern. But other times, I can push this to the side. Because my only concern should be Jesus Christ, Him crucified, and what that means in me.

Some days, I feel intensely lost. Completely alone. And misunderstood. Despite the prayer, the begging and pleading, the tears, there I am, desperate and hungry, yet completely unable to feed myself. I am helpless, dirty. Face to the dust. And still, wherever I am, there I am. And wherever I am, there He is.