rubber soul

sometimes i wish my life were a welfare state. to be weird and speak in terms of comparative politics. i wish that embedded into my day-to-day life were certain protections. keeping me safe, preventing me from completely destroying myself.

it is true that i have what i need physically. i am provided for. it's more of the emotional and spiritual. i have this deep desire to have security in the decisions i make. i wish there were safety nets... institutions in place that would keep my heart secure. not simply my person.

sometimes i wish for that cushy landing the welfare state would provide should i fall. if i am sick (of heart), i get time off. if i am injured (spiritually), i get paid leave. if i simply need rest (in my soul), i have plenty of weeks of vacation to take at any moment. if i fail and fall down, there is nothing to worry about. no way to be hurt. because i am safe in the confines of what is provided for me.

i know that i have this safety in Jesus. He is working all things together for my good. but what i'm talking about here is more immature; more short-term and more superficial. protection from the pains of life, whether simple and temporary or complex and deep, that i have come to know and expect as a follower of God. the apostles and disciples knew it. and they said it.

and as immature it is on my part, it is weeks like these two coming up that i desire to feel no pain. i don't want to suffer the consequences of the midterms i don't study enough for or the things i don't start early enough at work. even when i know that the Lord is calling me to put Him above school, i don't want to feel the sting of my grades. but when Jesus tells us we will have to sacrifice it all for Him, He means it.

today i wish i had a trampoline. an easy bounce-back for every tumble. but in reality, if everything bounced off of me and i off of everything else, i wouldn't be grounded in anything. and that's nowhere that i want to be either.