ready, set, comeback.

it's amazing how something so unbelievably small and simple can change everything. the Lord's timing is so perfect, so necessary, so immutable. and as a friend of a good friend (the good friend is wesley kapp) explained, God will never leave you in a season if it is not doing you good. when the time comes that what is good is being out of that place, it will come. without delay. with haste. instantly, you will be free from it.

and so it has been since... well, for awhile. maybe christmas break, maybe just before, maybe just after. i can't even remember when i changed, when i became this person i didn't know. i thought i was doing myself good. important to note the "i thought" because this is just the point: i don't know what is good for me.

i thought that taking hold of my schoolwork would be good. i thought exercising more would be good. i thought narrowing the time spent on my friends in favor of preparedness for other aspects of life would be good. i thought being, acting, and dressing in a more "normal" way would be good. but i was wrong.

none of these thoughts happened consciously. they happened below the surface. in the depths of my heart that i couldn't seem to get to with my prayers. in the places where the enemy creeps into those vulnerable cracks and splits me. into my weakness, he snuck in. maybe like in the dreams.

and then i realized what was lacking. i didn't have that joy i used to have. i had lost that color from my world, from my face, and from my wardrobe. i had lost, for a time, what made me me. and while i hadn't lost the Lord (who is what really makes me me), i had submerged parts of me that He loves. i know He does.

and yet, it didn't make any sense. it was incomprehensible to me that i could be living the way i was living and still not be able to hold that joy cupped in my hands. i finally had it more together than i ever have before: school, work, my future; i was spending regluar time with God, hearing His voice and calling on my life; and more than that, i felt like i was growing. it didn't make any sense at all.

and then it happened: a thought, a walk, some tears, and a prayer. that's all it took for that cloak to be cast off of my heart. and without realizing the impact the prayer would have on my life (the last few days and here on out), one totally normal person was God's vessel for my joy; for the restoration of my friendships and the peace of my heart; for the removal of condemnation and my deep anxieties; for the comeback of my color.

and sometimes, i just have to step back and bask in the perfectness of the Lord. this is one of those times. because it is so true, it is in my weakness that i should boast. grace is abounding all the more.