swallowed

fragile (adj): easily broken or destroyed; constitutionally delicate.

while i hate to admit it and the idea of being called it makes me shudder, sometimes i must face the facts. i am fragile. and i am fragile in more ways than one. my hope is so often easily shaken, and i am weak when all i want is to be strong. even though i know i should delight in my weakness, where God's grace can abound all the more, i don't. i don't like feeling dependent on others; i don't like asking for help; i don't like not being able to do the things i feel like i should be able to do. i like to think of myself as a big girl.

don't push so hard against the wall
you can't do it all alone
and if you could would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
-from big strong girl, deb talan

the fact is, i'm not a big girl. i'm a little girl who knows a big God. i'm little girl with a mighty Savior. and at the same time, i am a woman whose strength is the Lord's and the Lord's alone. i am able to endure by the power of Jesus Christ's actions on the cross.

i realized saturday how much i am like jonah. i have been reading his four little chapters over and over, consistently, for probably the past month, and though i could relate to him on some levels, i never really related to his deliberate disobedience. and then the overwhelmingness came. suddenly, i was struck with feelings of complete inadequacy, of desperate failure. and it was only the fourth day. this is the point at which i made my way outside, got on my knees, and wept. i told God i didn't want it, i didn't want any of it anymore. i told Him i didn't care what i had promised to do and that i didn't want to follow through. (fragile moment) the Lord told me to get up, get back in there, and do what He had called me to do. ouch. sometimes i am so unwilling. i play it off to everyone else like i am up for anything, when really everything in my sinful nature is saying no, no, no. i don't want to go there and i don't want to do that. the jonah complex.

so here is the part of the story when i pray. and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray some more. because it's true that i can't do this on my own, but the Lord has called me here and to do this, and thus He has thoroughly equipped me. i am more than adequate in the Lord.