perfected, confirmed, strengthened, established

there are many days when i start to blog, type a paragraph that seems pointless, and then quit because i feel like what i have to say isn't quite there, isn't quite deep enough, isn't quite ready to be forever stored on the world wide web. when you put something on the internet, apparently you can never get it back. apparently it can never be destroyed or erased. or so i hear. this could be false, since i know only enough about technology to make it as a college student. but this is not one of those erase-retype-put it off days.

i should be studying for my final tomorrow. i have been studying for my finals. but i'm itching to write about whatever comes to mind right now. i am in this selfish, having-issues-of-entitlement mode regarding this week where i keep saying to myself, "you have worked so very hard this semester. harder than anyone else. you deserve to not have to study for your finals. you deserve to not have to even take them. as a matter of fact, you just deserve to get all As in all of your classes because of how motivated you've been this semester."

but this is not the case. i am not entitled to an easy semester, good grades, or the praise of others. it's only by God's grace that i've made it through this semester of hellish schoolwork anyways. at the beginning of it, i prayed for grace to do my schoolwork, and i got it. so i pray for something, God gives it, and suddenly i think i'm entitled to it, that i deserve it for some reason? i'm crazy sometimes. i get to thinking that i earned the things God gave me. always the "me" factor. as if i could do any of this out of my own strength. i would have been dead weeks ago. or on the floor of my bathroom sobbing every night.

luckily, the Lord has been showering me with His grace every morning and every night. even when i am so unfaithful about my time. even when i am not diligent about reading the Word consistenly. even when i am content with letting my academic acheivement define me. even when i let my mind wander and my heart falter. even when i let what i want get in the way of God's desires for me. even when my faith is small and weak. even when i find myself completely incapable of loving the way Christ has called me to. God is so good and faithful in showering me with perfection, acceptance, completion, wholeness. He is renewing me day by day even when i feel i'm just wasting away into this brutish little frame of over-acheiving pride. the Lord speaks something different over me:

it will no longer be said to you "forsaken"
nor to your land will it any longer be said "desolate"
but you will be called "My delight is in her"
and your land "married"
for the Lord delights in you
and to Him your land will be married...
as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so your God will rejoice over you.
[isaiah 62.4-5]

i am the Lord's delight. and so i am praying to have "the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." [1 peter 3.4] a woman after God's heart. He already sees me redeemed. i'm just relying on His grace to complete the good work that He has begun in me. i am truly excited for whatever's coming next. the Lord is so good to me.