tattered shoes outside your door

i often walk the earth assuming the world is out to get me. and in a way, i suppose it is. but this isn't exactly what i mean right now.

today i had a minor realization that i am often inclined to think that everyone intends to hurt me, that everyone i meet is just scheming these grand plans to use me, break my heart, and destroy me. but since God has given me a rational mind to think and to understand (some things), i make use of it and therefore know that this isn't the case. yet still i treat people with this assumption in mind: i think through what i say; i am careful not to reveal too much; i try to keep my feelings from my sleeve, their natural habitat.

these are not bad decisions. the Lord has grown me to have a lot more discernment about the things i say and do. but there is a big difference between wisdom and fear, and i am coming to terms with the fact that i often live in the latter. my heart falsely accuses the people i know, even the people i care deeply about sometimes, and i guard myself because i am afraid of being hurt.

there are several things wrong with my behavior. its basis is false in that no one is sitting around, waiting to manipulate my weakness. and as for those who do hurt me, who have and who will hurt me… they do so unintentionally. none of them have calculated a plan to hurt me and then carried it out methodically. believing this is letting the enemy get a foothold in my life; believing this is not walking in faith in Christ; believing this is trusting no one, which includes Jesus at times. also, by behaving this way i can prevent myself from building genuine relationships with others, something the Lord calls me to do in christian community. sometimes i wonder why i feel like no one knows me very well. and then i remember that i often don’t give others the chance.

it is a funny thing to realize that, after so many years behaving as an extrovert, i am very much an introvert. i find now that building relationships requires a lot more of me than it used to. it requires the Lord’s strength most of the time.

it is a funny thing to feel yourself changing. some days, it’s like growing into a new skin. or maybe it’s like realizing one morning that your shoes are too tight, that all of your toes are smashed together at the end. it kind of hurts to walk.

but the neat thing about changing is that i am growing. when my shoes get too tight, it means i get a new pair, like on those shopping days we used to have growing up in august for all of our back-to-school necessities. new shoes were always on the agenda, and it was always exciting. at the shoe store, i would spend a long time looking at all of the shoes, assessing their material, style, and of course, color. i would get two pairs of shoes every year. one pair were athletic shoes for p.e., and i always chose nikes. the other pair were keds, nice and white and new and some years, they even came with little accessories in the box, like beads to string on your shoelaces. yes, i was always thrilled about the keds.

growing means a new pair of keds. and growing in the Lord means all kinds of new things. a new attitude, a new behavior, new words and thoughts and deeds. a new understanding of who He is, of what is good, of what He desires for me. a new mind and a new spirit. a new heart.

i have not yet figured out the most graceful ways to move through change. i often do it with stumbling, and i am inevitably unbalanced in the process. it’s hard for me to change without taking things to the extreme. if God says, “guard your heart more carefully, be wise in what you say and do,” i build a fortress around it. with a drawbridge and a moat and alligators. completely unnecessary. too much. but i am often weak in mind and feeble in thought and frail in heart. and sometimes, i just can’t seem to find the middle portion of the continuum.

what can i say. i’m learning.