something worth holding onto

although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. -helen keller

healing takes time.

because God takes His time. not because He enjoys our pain but because His love for us is enough to let us stay there while He is a doing work in us.

i always knew this. but i also always assumed it would come easier to me, and in a shorter time frame. and yet, still, i'm me, alone and frustrated by my complete inability to heal myself. by the fact that such a long long time later, i am still wounded.

i have to catch myself in the net, pull myself back on board, and remind myself that it is not me doing the healing at all. it has never been me. (repeating it to myself: it has never, ever, ever been me.) the Lord has been healing me all along, slowly but surely, more gently now than it felt before. His touch is so evident in how my heart has changed.

and still, i complain. maybe not externally, maybe not the way i do about my term papers. but i do make my case. God, why are there parts of me where i still feel injured? why are there certain aspects of myself that are calloused? why, Lord, can i not bring myself to feel things i felt before? why is this still so hard sometimes?

it's not the thing itself anymore. it's the side effects. it's the parts of me that have changed as a result. they are now my battle. they are now my prayer.

it's the deep parts of me that i don't reveal to anyone. they are where the healing is going to happen soon. i know it.

in certain areas, i have become more of a runner than i was before. i hide. and these are the deep repercussions of being hurt. these are the remnants of pain. this is what is left of what i gave away. broken pieces.

it frustrates me that i have such a hard time admitting it most of the time. i'm scared you won't understand. i'm scared you'll think of me differently. i'm scared you'll treat me like i'm shattered. i'm scared you'll actually read this.

and somehow i muster the strength to care less about you and more about the Lord. i sit. i try to start. i fail. and i procede. i force myself to type. because in a lot of ways, this is the only place i feel comfortable and uncomfortable with where i am.

i worry that one day, a long time from now, i will wake up and realize that i am the same. i fear that i will accept this brokenness as part of who i am and who i always will be. and while brokenness is an innate part of my humanity, this specific brokennes, this exact wound, is not who i am. it is not who i will be. it is only part of shaping me into the woman that God has intended me to be all along.

"this too will pass" and the places where i was cracked, i will be sealed. and yet there it will be, the place where the blood once was. the spot that was once so cold and foreign will be warm and familiar, part of who i am only because the Lord has changed its nature.

it seems contradictory. but it is no longer a reminder of my failure and shame, of all the ways i did things wrong. it is a testimony to all the things the Lord has done right. this hurt will be part of me only because the Lord is redeeming it. this mark will be mine to cherish, because God has made it beautiful in its time.

people are not little stones, or keys in someone's pocket

on march 31, serbia formally apologized for not doing enough to stop the massacre of bosnian muslims in srebrenica, the un safe zone. the main reason for this apology was to do something favorable that would benefit serbia in its quest to enter the european union. yet they did not call the killings genocide, as the UN and the hague have already done.

sometimes i think about how often i am serbia. i apologize to get something in return, whether its something material, or just a pat on the back for doing a good thing. i also don't call things for what they are. i am good at skirting around the issue, at apologizing for something lesser than what is required, at making my faults seem justified when they are not. i don't want to make amends for concessional gains. i don't just want some surface-level declaratory statements that mean nothing in reality. i don't want my actions to please others. i want my everything to please God. this is my wish.

wish (v.): to want, desire, long for

eyesight

i love how well God loves me. how radically, how sweetly, and how carefully. i love how He is working out things in me that i don't even realize. i love how He has given me certain traits and characteristics that are preparing me for something. something big. He has given me eyes and dreams. and even though i have trouble with the eyes and can't see the dreams yet, i love Him all the same for them. because i know they are coming; i know that in time, and in grace, they will come.

you cannot say too much
finish your thoughts, i will listen
when no one is strong enough
to carry your heart and its vision

i know you're scared that you're still unprepared
to live out all the dreams you are wishing
but don't hide away, my love

and you'll have to find your own way
that's okay, it's okay, my love
don't let 'em tell you
you have to see through anyone's eyes
but the ones God gave you

you have a song that's as bright as a fire
and the dark has a reason to fear you
so sing when you have no voice
i'll hear you

-from i will hear you, by alli rogers.

surprise, suprises

while i never thought this day would come, it has. i am thinking about grad school. key word: thinking. as in, i researched a little bit about what i would need to do and where i could go and what it would cost. i always was turned off by it because international affairs grad programs sound terrible to me. just because of who i am. but i was drawn to them initially because of the implications. doing something that could change the world, for example. figuring out the right way to do development, finding a way for countries to cooperate to prevent genocide, yadda yadda. real life stuff, but also real mushy-gushy i will personally end poverty stuff.

and then i realized that the Lord has given me a passion for french. for speaking it, studying it, reading it, writing it. and just because it doesn't have some immediate go-getter path right afterwards doesn't mean it's not for me. but then i also think... how can the Lord use this? france, ministry, right, obviously. but how does this fit with grad school? does grad school have a place, as my parents have hoped? i always thought no, but now i've gotten to thinking that i might like it. and then comes the tricky little statement of intent. i don't have any professional goals or plans. i don't have any reason to study french at a higher level except a love for french. i do not know if this is enough. but i guess if God wants me in grad school, it will be.

katy & david.

after completing my camp forms in the gilbert hall computer lab today, i decided to go for one of my bi-monthly treat-yourself-alone-between-classes lunches that i enjoy so much. and as always, i took myself to whichwich for a tomato and avocado sandwich.

i pulled out my Bible to read a little jonah. as i was eating, a super cute couple (the guy was trying to take pictures of her, she was opposing, they were laughing) sat down at the table next to mine, against the wall. her back was to me and he was facing me.

after a few minutes, she asked me if i was a student at uga. we chatted about my studies and what i did at school. he asked what i was reading in scripture. in my mind i was saying, "score. they totally love the Lord." they were from greenville, went to clemson, liked biking and coffee and Jesus and were in athens for a day trip. i told them a little bit about camp, and he asked about what i wanted to do. i talked a little about france. throughout the conversation, he just kept mentioning not abandoning the truth for post-modernism and "making that the most important book you read."

basically, it was seriously encouraging. so thank you, katy & david. you definitely blessed me today.

rubber soul

sometimes i wish my life were a welfare state. to be weird and speak in terms of comparative politics. i wish that embedded into my day-to-day life were certain protections. keeping me safe, preventing me from completely destroying myself.

it is true that i have what i need physically. i am provided for. it's more of the emotional and spiritual. i have this deep desire to have security in the decisions i make. i wish there were safety nets... institutions in place that would keep my heart secure. not simply my person.

sometimes i wish for that cushy landing the welfare state would provide should i fall. if i am sick (of heart), i get time off. if i am injured (spiritually), i get paid leave. if i simply need rest (in my soul), i have plenty of weeks of vacation to take at any moment. if i fail and fall down, there is nothing to worry about. no way to be hurt. because i am safe in the confines of what is provided for me.

i know that i have this safety in Jesus. He is working all things together for my good. but what i'm talking about here is more immature; more short-term and more superficial. protection from the pains of life, whether simple and temporary or complex and deep, that i have come to know and expect as a follower of God. the apostles and disciples knew it. and they said it.

and as immature it is on my part, it is weeks like these two coming up that i desire to feel no pain. i don't want to suffer the consequences of the midterms i don't study enough for or the things i don't start early enough at work. even when i know that the Lord is calling me to put Him above school, i don't want to feel the sting of my grades. but when Jesus tells us we will have to sacrifice it all for Him, He means it.

today i wish i had a trampoline. an easy bounce-back for every tumble. but in reality, if everything bounced off of me and i off of everything else, i wouldn't be grounded in anything. and that's nowhere that i want to be either.

ready, set, comeback.

it's amazing how something so unbelievably small and simple can change everything. the Lord's timing is so perfect, so necessary, so immutable. and as a friend of a good friend (the good friend is wesley kapp) explained, God will never leave you in a season if it is not doing you good. when the time comes that what is good is being out of that place, it will come. without delay. with haste. instantly, you will be free from it.

and so it has been since... well, for awhile. maybe christmas break, maybe just before, maybe just after. i can't even remember when i changed, when i became this person i didn't know. i thought i was doing myself good. important to note the "i thought" because this is just the point: i don't know what is good for me.

i thought that taking hold of my schoolwork would be good. i thought exercising more would be good. i thought narrowing the time spent on my friends in favor of preparedness for other aspects of life would be good. i thought being, acting, and dressing in a more "normal" way would be good. but i was wrong.

none of these thoughts happened consciously. they happened below the surface. in the depths of my heart that i couldn't seem to get to with my prayers. in the places where the enemy creeps into those vulnerable cracks and splits me. into my weakness, he snuck in. maybe like in the dreams.

and then i realized what was lacking. i didn't have that joy i used to have. i had lost that color from my world, from my face, and from my wardrobe. i had lost, for a time, what made me me. and while i hadn't lost the Lord (who is what really makes me me), i had submerged parts of me that He loves. i know He does.

and yet, it didn't make any sense. it was incomprehensible to me that i could be living the way i was living and still not be able to hold that joy cupped in my hands. i finally had it more together than i ever have before: school, work, my future; i was spending regluar time with God, hearing His voice and calling on my life; and more than that, i felt like i was growing. it didn't make any sense at all.

and then it happened: a thought, a walk, some tears, and a prayer. that's all it took for that cloak to be cast off of my heart. and without realizing the impact the prayer would have on my life (the last few days and here on out), one totally normal person was God's vessel for my joy; for the restoration of my friendships and the peace of my heart; for the removal of condemnation and my deep anxieties; for the comeback of my color.

and sometimes, i just have to step back and bask in the perfectness of the Lord. this is one of those times. because it is so true, it is in my weakness that i should boast. grace is abounding all the more.