i love to feel and hate to feel.
i want to know and don't.
in the balancing act of senior year
i'm feel like i'm tumbling
free falling into a world i don't know.
this is not my home
and you aren't either.
(and neither is
compassion or friendship
or love or marriage
or simplicity or settling down
or spontaneity or the open road)
i feel i'm already packing up
putting things in my little heart
hoping i can keep them there.
there;
a place i can't see
and can't explain,
whose fullness knows You only.
You never promised easy
You did promise Your spirit
so where does my loneliness fit?
i listen but i never speak
(talking is harder these days)
i speak but never say
what i really mean.
i say but it never sounds
quite like it did when i said it to You first.
You first;
You second;
You third.
You always hear,
You're never shocked.
but i think You like my sharing
all the same.
i hope You understand me
i hope You know my heart is for You
even when i feel this way.
(when confusion is my echo
and uncertainty is my shadow)
still You are my song
i will sing You in these lonely streets
i will sing You with my windows down
(sunroof open, eyes to the sky)
i will sing You in my loudest voice
i will sing You in my quiet rooms
i will sing You ever, always, now
for You have set my imprisoned heart free
and Your love sets my feet on fire.
10.24.2010
10.20.2010
i close my eyes and take a breath
perfection has a price
but i cannot afford to live that life
it always ends the same
a fight i never win
oh, control
it's time
time to let you go
there were scars before my scars
love written on the hands that hung the stars
hope living in the blood that was spilled for me
oh, control
it's time
time to let you go
-jj heller, control
but i cannot afford to live that life
it always ends the same
a fight i never win
oh, control
it's time
time to let you go
there were scars before my scars
love written on the hands that hung the stars
hope living in the blood that was spilled for me
oh, control
it's time
time to let you go
-jj heller, control
10.11.2010
from psalm 16
preserve me, oh God
for i take refuge in You
i said to the Lord, "You are my Lord"
i have no good besides You
---
the Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup
You support my lot
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places
indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me
---
i have set the Lord continually before me
because He is at my right hand,
i will not be shaken
therefore my heart is glad
and my glory rejoices
my flesh also will dwell securely
---
You will make known to me the path of life
in Your presence is the fullness of joy
in Your right hand there are pleasures forever
for i take refuge in You
i said to the Lord, "You are my Lord"
i have no good besides You
---
the Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup
You support my lot
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places
indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me
---
i have set the Lord continually before me
because He is at my right hand,
i will not be shaken
therefore my heart is glad
and my glory rejoices
my flesh also will dwell securely
---
You will make known to me the path of life
in Your presence is the fullness of joy
in Your right hand there are pleasures forever
10.07.2010
interesting fact #1
[i love small things.]
i love trinkets.
i love picking them up.
i love putting them in tins, or boxes, or jars.
i love thinking of how unique they are.
i love thinking of where they've been and what they've seen.
"be faithful in small things
because it is in them that your strength lies."
-mother teresa
9.30.2010
as i was & as i will be
one thing i have been struggling with lately is feeling known. i have often bought into the lie that the people around don't know me and that they don't care to know me either. and though, in my heart, i'm sure this isn't true, sometimes it's hard to believe God. sometimes i'd rather believe the world and the enemy because it seems easier, because it seems it's the way it's all going to turn out in the end. because it seems lonely is just the way it's going to be. because i don't really trust the Lord as much as i wish i could.
yesterday morning as i was doing my quiet time, i was listening to waterdeep. i was thinking about how much the Lord knows me, how deeply and how certainly. how perfectly and how unconditionally. He has never left me alone, He has never refused my friendship. He has never not loved me. in fact, He has loved me since the beginning of time.
"I am the Good Shepherd and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." -john 10:14-15
this verse is ridiculous, in a good way. check it out: as God in heaven knows His only Son, Jesus--the One who was begotten from the same substance as the Father--and as Jesus knew His Father--the One who formed, instructed, led, and guided Him as He did His ministry on earth. in john 10:30, Jesus said, "I and the Father are one." that's some intimate stuff.
wait. that's how the Lord knows me? it seems almost unbelievable to me. i literally opened up my Bible again to check and make sure i didn't get it wrong. the way that God the Father and Jesus Christ know each other is the way Jesus and His sheep know each other. Jesus knows me that much. how could i feel unknown when i have this Guy shepherding my life? not only that, but the verse also says that i know Jesus. i hear His voice because i am His little sheep. (john 10:27)
i am His own. i'm seen and known.
"then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You are a God who sees." (genesis 16:13)
from the fall of my heart
to the resurrection of my soul,
You know me, God,
and You know my ways;
in my rising, in my sitting down
You see me as i am.
-audrey assad, known
yesterday morning as i was doing my quiet time, i was listening to waterdeep. i was thinking about how much the Lord knows me, how deeply and how certainly. how perfectly and how unconditionally. He has never left me alone, He has never refused my friendship. He has never not loved me. in fact, He has loved me since the beginning of time.
"I am the Good Shepherd and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." -john 10:14-15
this verse is ridiculous, in a good way. check it out: as God in heaven knows His only Son, Jesus--the One who was begotten from the same substance as the Father--and as Jesus knew His Father--the One who formed, instructed, led, and guided Him as He did His ministry on earth. in john 10:30, Jesus said, "I and the Father are one." that's some intimate stuff.
wait. that's how the Lord knows me? it seems almost unbelievable to me. i literally opened up my Bible again to check and make sure i didn't get it wrong. the way that God the Father and Jesus Christ know each other is the way Jesus and His sheep know each other. Jesus knows me that much. how could i feel unknown when i have this Guy shepherding my life? not only that, but the verse also says that i know Jesus. i hear His voice because i am His little sheep. (john 10:27)
i am His own. i'm seen and known.
"then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You are a God who sees." (genesis 16:13)
from the fall of my heart
to the resurrection of my soul,
You know me, God,
and You know my ways;
in my rising, in my sitting down
You see me as i am.
-audrey assad, known
9.27.2010
my ipod is literally stuck on replay.
jillian edwards's galaxies & such is officially wonderful, at least in my book. i have been listening in the car, in my room while i get ready for my day, and while i walk around campus. her vocals and her lyrics just make me smile. i am not by any means a music critic, but this ep makes me really happy.
it is hard to choose a favorite song because they are all good. i'm being serious. "nonfiction love song" is my top play of the moment; it's clever, catchy, and i can relate. i love "go together" because it's beautiful. i just want that to be what my relationship with Jesus is like - every moment. it's also a song i could totally see myself chorepgrpahing to. "july & june" is just cute and fun.
"like a face in the mirror
i want to see You clearer
i want to be so much nearer
i want to go together with You"
i think it is safe to say that i am in love with this ep.
come in close and speak
child of My love, lean hard,
and let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
in its weight to your unaided strength,
for even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
so i will keep My child within the circling arms
of My Own love." here lay it down, nor fear
to impose it on a shoulder that upholds
the government of worlds. yet closer come:
you are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
so I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
you love Me, I know. so then do not doubt;
but loving Me, lean hard.
-from Streams in the Desert
this devotional is the one from my birthday, but i read it again tonight and felt the Lord really speaking to me in this. there are a few (and by a few, i mean a lot of) things that really stand out to me. first, the Lord actually wants to take my burdens. they are not burdensome to Him as they are to me. the idea that God balanced them in His hands before i felt them reminds me that the things that burdening me are working to shape me, grow me, prune me, and work on me. i love the reminder that the Lord is near when i am weighed down; He promises me that He is there (even to the end of the age).
i love that even in my pressure, in my worry, in my distrust, the Lord is circling His arms around me in love. this image reminds me that God is my father, He is my protector, He is my comforter. when i need to be held, He is holding me ("Your hands that shaped the world are holding me, they hold me still" -jj).
the words "here lay it down, nor fear" remind me of how often i do fear giving things to the Lord. i am afraid He doesn't want them; i am afraid He will think they are silly; i am afraid He has more important things to deal with (unreached people groups, earthquake survivors, child soldiers, my friends and family, cancer). but this is the One who has the government on His shoulders... why would He not have the strength for my burden? why would He not care? He has drawn me with everlasting love and kindness.
i love the part that says, "yet closer come: you are not near enough." it reminds me that the Lord does desire intimacy with me, that just close is not close enough. He has a heart for me personally. "you love me, I know" strikes me deeply. the Lord knows that i love Him? because most of the time i feel that i don't love Him enough. i often feel i have to get to a certain point for the Lord to acknowledge that i want to serve Him, that i want to follow Him, that i want to know Him deeply. i love the image of john with his head on Jesus. that's the kind of disciple i want to be. that's the kind of love i want to know. that's the kind of relationship i want to have with the Lord. i want to lean so fully on Him that if He were to move away from me, i would completely wipe out. i want to place so much of my care on Him that i am nothing without that support completely surrounding me. i want to truly rely on the Lord to sustain me. i want to lean hard.
and let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
in its weight to your unaided strength,
for even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
so i will keep My child within the circling arms
of My Own love." here lay it down, nor fear
to impose it on a shoulder that upholds
the government of worlds. yet closer come:
you are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
so I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
you love Me, I know. so then do not doubt;
but loving Me, lean hard.
-from Streams in the Desert
this devotional is the one from my birthday, but i read it again tonight and felt the Lord really speaking to me in this. there are a few (and by a few, i mean a lot of) things that really stand out to me. first, the Lord actually wants to take my burdens. they are not burdensome to Him as they are to me. the idea that God balanced them in His hands before i felt them reminds me that the things that burdening me are working to shape me, grow me, prune me, and work on me. i love the reminder that the Lord is near when i am weighed down; He promises me that He is there (even to the end of the age).
i love that even in my pressure, in my worry, in my distrust, the Lord is circling His arms around me in love. this image reminds me that God is my father, He is my protector, He is my comforter. when i need to be held, He is holding me ("Your hands that shaped the world are holding me, they hold me still" -jj).
the words "here lay it down, nor fear" remind me of how often i do fear giving things to the Lord. i am afraid He doesn't want them; i am afraid He will think they are silly; i am afraid He has more important things to deal with (unreached people groups, earthquake survivors, child soldiers, my friends and family, cancer). but this is the One who has the government on His shoulders... why would He not have the strength for my burden? why would He not care? He has drawn me with everlasting love and kindness.
i love the part that says, "yet closer come: you are not near enough." it reminds me that the Lord does desire intimacy with me, that just close is not close enough. He has a heart for me personally. "you love me, I know" strikes me deeply. the Lord knows that i love Him? because most of the time i feel that i don't love Him enough. i often feel i have to get to a certain point for the Lord to acknowledge that i want to serve Him, that i want to follow Him, that i want to know Him deeply. i love the image of john with his head on Jesus. that's the kind of disciple i want to be. that's the kind of love i want to know. that's the kind of relationship i want to have with the Lord. i want to lean so fully on Him that if He were to move away from me, i would completely wipe out. i want to place so much of my care on Him that i am nothing without that support completely surrounding me. i want to truly rely on the Lord to sustain me. i want to lean hard.
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