as i was & as i will be

one thing i have been struggling with lately is feeling known. i have often bought into the lie that the people around don't know me and that they don't care to know me either. and though, in my heart, i'm sure this isn't true, sometimes it's hard to believe God. sometimes i'd rather believe the world and the enemy because it seems easier, because it seems it's the way it's all going to turn out in the end. because it seems lonely is just the way it's going to be. because i don't really trust the Lord as much as i wish i could.

yesterday morning as i was doing my quiet time, i was listening to waterdeep. i was thinking about how much the Lord knows me, how deeply and how certainly. how perfectly and how unconditionally. He has never left me alone, He has never refused my friendship. He has never not loved me. in fact, He has loved me since the beginning of time.

"I am the Good Shepherd and I know My own and My own know Me, even as the Father knows Me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep." -john 10:14-15

this verse is ridiculous, in a good way. check it out: as God in heaven knows His only Son, Jesus--the One who was begotten from the same substance as the Father--and as Jesus knew His Father--the One who formed, instructed, led, and guided Him as He did His ministry on earth. in john 10:30, Jesus said, "I and the Father are one." that's some intimate stuff.

wait. that's how the Lord knows me? it seems almost unbelievable to me. i literally opened up my Bible again to check and make sure i didn't get it wrong. the way that God the Father and Jesus Christ know each other is the way Jesus and His sheep know each other. Jesus knows me that much. how could i feel unknown when i have this Guy shepherding my life? not only that, but the verse also says that i know Jesus. i hear His voice because i am His little sheep. (john 10:27)

i am His own. i'm seen and known.

"then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You are a God who sees." (genesis 16:13)

from the fall of my heart
to the resurrection of my soul,
You know me, God,
and You know my ways;
in my rising, in my sitting down
You see me as i am.
-audrey assad, known

my ipod is literally stuck on replay.

jillian edwards's galaxies & such is officially wonderful, at least in my book. i have been listening in the car, in my room while i get ready for my day, and while i walk around campus. her vocals and her lyrics just make me smile. i am not by any means a music critic, but this ep makes me really happy.

it is hard to choose a favorite song because they are all good. i'm being serious. "nonfiction love song" is my top play of the moment; it's clever, catchy, and i can relate. i love "go together" because it's beautiful. i just want that to be what my relationship with Jesus is like - every moment. it's also a song i could totally see myself chorepgrpahing to. "july & june" is just cute and fun.

"like a face in the mirror

i want to see You clearer

i want to be so much nearer

i want to go together with You"

i think it is safe to say that i am in love with this ep.

come in close and speak

child of My love, lean hard,
and let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child. I shaped it;
balanced it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
in its weight to your unaided strength,
for even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
so i will keep My child within the circling arms
of My Own love." here lay it down, nor fear
to impose it on a shoulder that upholds
the government of worlds. yet closer come:
you are not near enough. I would embrace your care;
so I might feel My child reclining on My breast.
you love Me, I know. so then do not doubt;
but loving Me, lean hard.

-from Streams in the Desert

this devotional is the one from my birthday, but i read it again tonight and felt the Lord really speaking to me in this. there are a few (and by a few, i mean a lot of) things that really stand out to me. first, the Lord actually wants to take my burdens. they are not burdensome to Him as they are to me. the idea that God balanced them in His hands before i felt them reminds me that the things that burdening me are working to shape me, grow me, prune me, and work on me. i love the reminder that the Lord is near when i am weighed down; He promises me that He is there (even to the end of the age).

i love that even in my pressure, in my worry, in my distrust, the Lord is circling His arms around me in love. this image reminds me that God is my father, He is my protector, He is my comforter. when i need to be held, He is holding me ("Your hands that shaped the world are holding me, they hold me still" -jj).

the words "here lay it down, nor fear" remind me of how often i do fear giving things to the Lord. i am afraid He doesn't want them; i am afraid He will think they are silly; i am afraid He has more important things to deal with (unreached people groups, earthquake survivors, child soldiers, my friends and family, cancer). but this is the One who has the government on His shoulders... why would He not have the strength for my burden? why would He not care? He has drawn me with everlasting love and kindness.

i love the part that says, "yet closer come: you are not near enough." it reminds me that the Lord does desire intimacy with me, that just close is not close enough. He has a heart for me personally. "you love me, I know" strikes me deeply. the Lord knows that i love Him? because most of the time i feel that i don't love Him enough. i often feel i have to get to a certain point for the Lord to acknowledge that i want to serve Him, that i want to follow Him, that i want to know Him deeply. i love the image of john with his head on Jesus. that's the kind of disciple i want to be. that's the kind of love i want to know. that's the kind of relationship i want to have with the Lord. i want to lean so fully on Him that if He were to move away from me, i would completely wipe out. i want to place so much of my care on Him that i am nothing without that support completely surrounding me. i want to truly rely on the Lord to sustain me. i want to lean hard.

"whatever is gripped tightly has to be held loosely"

"it is not pleasant when the deepest yearnings of your heart go unfulfilled and especially if we're surrounded by others who are granted the privilege that we long should fall on us... it is not because He withholds, but because what He grants is fitting for His purpose, glory, and honor. that might make us earthly losers but precious heavenly winners."

-lisa robinson, on desiring marriage.
but i feel this idea resonating in so many other areas of life as well.

you can read the rest here.

oh, i'm ready to fall

today i woke up. i got my hair cut. i am currently having my first pumpkin spice latte since its awaited return. i love my friends. i am so excited for fall. and though i don't really want to write a five-page french essay and i'm choosing to rejoice in uncomfortable change, i'm happy to be alive.

sometimes i wonder if God made this season just for me. that's how blessed i am to finally catch some glimpes of fall. some things are dying and falling away; other things are coming to fruition and are ready to be harvested. i think i'm in a sort of autumn myself.

"Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns."
-George Eliot

how God's timing is like good cheese

this post deals with two things that i really love: cheese, and the connectedness of what the Lord is doing over time and space.

yesterday, i pulled some shaved parmesan out of the fridge to put on my pasta. on the label was a little message reading, "aged over 10 months." really good parmesans are aged longer - over 2 years. when i saw this label, i thought, "how funny is it that 10 months ago, last december, when i was studying for classes that i now don't even remember and living a different life than i live now, this cheese was beginning to age. it was being prepared 10 months ago for my pasta enjoyment today."

God's work in my life is also the product of aging. i never can see it at the time, but i know that 10 months ago, the Lord was preparing me for what i'm doing right now. and 2 years ago, he was preparing me for this moment as well. and in the same grain, the things the Lord is teaching me today are going to age, per se, and come to their fullness months and years from now. the joy and the peace and all of the fruits of God's work in my life are not just a product of one moment; there is a culminating effect. my experiences with the Lord's grace have been building on top of one another and interweaving themselves.

and i'm excited about what the Lord has aging for me. i'm sure it will be tasty... and expensive. and very good with wine. just kidding.

but really - God is doing good things. He is taking my past, restoring it and using it to teach me. He is taking my present, calling me to follow Him today and to worship Him where i am. and He is taking my future, assuring me that He has ordained my days and that He is working out all things for my good.

twenty-two!

officially, the weirdest thing about being twenty-two is the thought that the next time september 12 rolls around, i'll be turning twenty-three. looking or saying the word twenty-two too many times is strange also. this birthday also marks the one on which everyone's "happy birthday!" is followed by a "wow, you're getting old." true. i suppose passing twenty-one indicates a swift movement out of your youth. my nearly-fifteen-year-old sister even said, "don't worry, i'll still love you when you're wrinkly." thanks, em.

this birthday was one of the most enjoyable i've had in a long time. i love birthdays, but i love others' a lot more than my own. i generally don't like having all the attention on me, despite my history of years and years on stage. but this one was wonderful. one hundred percent of the reason was because i have wonderful friends and an amazing family.

turning twenty-two included...

...having pumpkin pancakes with whipped cream for brunch with my friends who live with me.

...purchasing cowboy boots, old french books, and one dollar yellow nail polish at the flea market. also, fresh fruit snow cones. strawberry and guava.

... these two wonderful ladies cooking me shrimp and scallop pasta with roasted veggies and cream sauce. (what can i say? i'm italian.)

...eating said dinner with incredible friends. minus a few who are very special and i miss a lot. (rachel, laura arline, and gracie, i love you.) i also got a phone call from argentina in which gracie yelled "HAPPY BITHRDAY!" about thirty times. then we skyped. it was wonderful.

...baking cupcakes with elissa. these are german chocolate cake, filled with the german chocolate icing (coconut and pecan), topped with fudge icing and coconut. yes, i love coconut. and the fact that my birthday candle was an orange tea light. twenty-two candles would have been depressing, two giant 2 candles would not have been cute. i would not have had it any other way.

oh, i am so blessed.

on my heart recently

and i know Your promises are faithful
and i, i've seen Your goodness in my life
and oh, i've found Your mercy is a river
Your love is an ocean wide

-audrey assad, "carry me"

vivre, c’est naître lentement

i like this home.
this home in marietta was my shelter from age 6 to 18.
it hasn't always been my refuge, but it certainly is this weekend.

outside it is the yard
where we played laser tag with the vests and guns that were one of will's birthday presents,
where we took our easter pictures,
where we play bocce with the cousins,
where we once found baby bunnies,
where we would try to climb the bradford pear tree, before it split and fell down.

it in is the living room
where we would watch little house on the prairie in the summer before swim team practice,
where my parents carefully placed my baby sister on the brick of the fireplace on the day she came home from the hospital.

in it is the foyer
where will once chased me, causing me to fall onto a metal star
(the doctor said it would scar but it didn't),
the staircase we would run down on christmas morning, with dad filming from the bottom,
the loft where we would make forts,
where we would walk around the edges dangerously even though mom told us not to.

in it is the kitchen
where i would do my homework in middle school,
where we would eat publix rotisserie chicken,
where i would sneak into the pantry when no one was looking to eat some of the colored icings that came in the betty crocker tubes
(the yellow one was definitely the tastiest),
where i would climb up onto the counters to get a plate because, for the longest time, i was too small to reach them.

in it is my bedroom
where i lost my baby teeth,
where i stayed up all night, droswy-eyed but determined, writing papers in high school,
where i put my hair into countless numbers of buns in front of my mirror
(there were usually bobby pins everywhere),
where i would hide in my closet, nestled next to my bookshelf to read and write,
where my mom would open the door to wake me up gently,
where my dad would tuck me in, making me "as snug as a bug in a rug,"
where i had laura ashley bunnies papering my walls for the first few years.

this home has changed in the last few years.
new hardwood floors, new paint,
less kids at home, healthier food in the fridge.
emily is working on moving into my old room.
these things feel strange sometimes, but they don't bother me much.
i have changed and grown, why should i expect different from my home?

and though our family has changed and grown,
they are still the same.
and i love coming home to them.