swallowed

fragile (adj): easily broken or destroyed; constitutionally delicate.

while i hate to admit it and the idea of being called it makes me shudder, sometimes i must face the facts. i am fragile. and i am fragile in more ways than one. my hope is so often easily shaken, and i am weak when all i want is to be strong. even though i know i should delight in my weakness, where God's grace can abound all the more, i don't. i don't like feeling dependent on others; i don't like asking for help; i don't like not being able to do the things i feel like i should be able to do. i like to think of myself as a big girl.

don't push so hard against the wall
you can't do it all alone
and if you could would you really want to?
even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down
the best made plans
come on, come on, lay it down
are your open hands
-from big strong girl, deb talan

the fact is, i'm not a big girl. i'm a little girl who knows a big God. i'm little girl with a mighty Savior. and at the same time, i am a woman whose strength is the Lord's and the Lord's alone. i am able to endure by the power of Jesus Christ's actions on the cross.

i realized saturday how much i am like jonah. i have been reading his four little chapters over and over, consistently, for probably the past month, and though i could relate to him on some levels, i never really related to his deliberate disobedience. and then the overwhelmingness came. suddenly, i was struck with feelings of complete inadequacy, of desperate failure. and it was only the fourth day. this is the point at which i made my way outside, got on my knees, and wept. i told God i didn't want it, i didn't want any of it anymore. i told Him i didn't care what i had promised to do and that i didn't want to follow through. (fragile moment) the Lord told me to get up, get back in there, and do what He had called me to do. ouch. sometimes i am so unwilling. i play it off to everyone else like i am up for anything, when really everything in my sinful nature is saying no, no, no. i don't want to go there and i don't want to do that. the jonah complex.

so here is the part of the story when i pray. and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray some more. because it's true that i can't do this on my own, but the Lord has called me here and to do this, and thus He has thoroughly equipped me. i am more than adequate in the Lord.

made for a month of sundays

it always amazes me how i excited i am that something is ending only to find that i am hating every minute of it being over. there's this moment i am all too familiar with: i just know what the Lord is calling me to do, and i know He is saying, "move on, keep pressing on, go forward, this is the end of this season." and that moment is awful. because for me, that place has finally become comfortable, warm and welcoming. knowing it will be over before i know it tears me apart because i have slowly but surely grown to love it there, and having to disappoint people i'm close to is even more terrible, even though the Lord has been clear with me. the next moment i know well is in the middle, but towards the end: the excitement for the season to be done is building, finishing strong seems such an accomplishment, and i just can't wait for what the Lord has next for me. and when the final chapter has arrived: man, am i regretting every second of listening to the Lord's voice. i'm wishing i had just ignored Him when i had the chance, because frankly, this part hurts the most. even though the Lord shot straight with me and i obeyed, i just don't want it to be true. i don't want to move on. i can't stand the tears and the looks in our eyes. i am no good at goodbyes. this is how i know eternity has been set in my heart. i was never meant for goodbyes. i was never meant for endings. i was made for forever. and soon and very soon, that's where i'll be.

perfected, confirmed, strengthened, established

there are many days when i start to blog, type a paragraph that seems pointless, and then quit because i feel like what i have to say isn't quite there, isn't quite deep enough, isn't quite ready to be forever stored on the world wide web. when you put something on the internet, apparently you can never get it back. apparently it can never be destroyed or erased. or so i hear. this could be false, since i know only enough about technology to make it as a college student. but this is not one of those erase-retype-put it off days.

i should be studying for my final tomorrow. i have been studying for my finals. but i'm itching to write about whatever comes to mind right now. i am in this selfish, having-issues-of-entitlement mode regarding this week where i keep saying to myself, "you have worked so very hard this semester. harder than anyone else. you deserve to not have to study for your finals. you deserve to not have to even take them. as a matter of fact, you just deserve to get all As in all of your classes because of how motivated you've been this semester."

but this is not the case. i am not entitled to an easy semester, good grades, or the praise of others. it's only by God's grace that i've made it through this semester of hellish schoolwork anyways. at the beginning of it, i prayed for grace to do my schoolwork, and i got it. so i pray for something, God gives it, and suddenly i think i'm entitled to it, that i deserve it for some reason? i'm crazy sometimes. i get to thinking that i earned the things God gave me. always the "me" factor. as if i could do any of this out of my own strength. i would have been dead weeks ago. or on the floor of my bathroom sobbing every night.

luckily, the Lord has been showering me with His grace every morning and every night. even when i am so unfaithful about my time. even when i am not diligent about reading the Word consistenly. even when i am content with letting my academic acheivement define me. even when i let my mind wander and my heart falter. even when i let what i want get in the way of God's desires for me. even when my faith is small and weak. even when i find myself completely incapable of loving the way Christ has called me to. God is so good and faithful in showering me with perfection, acceptance, completion, wholeness. He is renewing me day by day even when i feel i'm just wasting away into this brutish little frame of over-acheiving pride. the Lord speaks something different over me:

it will no longer be said to you "forsaken"
nor to your land will it any longer be said "desolate"
but you will be called "My delight is in her"
and your land "married"
for the Lord delights in you
and to Him your land will be married...
as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so your God will rejoice over you.
[isaiah 62.4-5]

i am the Lord's delight. and so i am praying to have "the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God." [1 peter 3.4] a woman after God's heart. He already sees me redeemed. i'm just relying on His grace to complete the good work that He has begun in me. i am truly excited for whatever's coming next. the Lord is so good to me.