katy & david.

after completing my camp forms in the gilbert hall computer lab today, i decided to go for one of my bi-monthly treat-yourself-alone-between-classes lunches that i enjoy so much. and as always, i took myself to whichwich for a tomato and avocado sandwich.

i pulled out my Bible to read a little jonah. as i was eating, a super cute couple (the guy was trying to take pictures of her, she was opposing, they were laughing) sat down at the table next to mine, against the wall. her back was to me and he was facing me.

after a few minutes, she asked me if i was a student at uga. we chatted about my studies and what i did at school. he asked what i was reading in scripture. in my mind i was saying, "score. they totally love the Lord." they were from greenville, went to clemson, liked biking and coffee and Jesus and were in athens for a day trip. i told them a little bit about camp, and he asked about what i wanted to do. i talked a little about france. throughout the conversation, he just kept mentioning not abandoning the truth for post-modernism and "making that the most important book you read."

basically, it was seriously encouraging. so thank you, katy & david. you definitely blessed me today.

rubber soul

sometimes i wish my life were a welfare state. to be weird and speak in terms of comparative politics. i wish that embedded into my day-to-day life were certain protections. keeping me safe, preventing me from completely destroying myself.

it is true that i have what i need physically. i am provided for. it's more of the emotional and spiritual. i have this deep desire to have security in the decisions i make. i wish there were safety nets... institutions in place that would keep my heart secure. not simply my person.

sometimes i wish for that cushy landing the welfare state would provide should i fall. if i am sick (of heart), i get time off. if i am injured (spiritually), i get paid leave. if i simply need rest (in my soul), i have plenty of weeks of vacation to take at any moment. if i fail and fall down, there is nothing to worry about. no way to be hurt. because i am safe in the confines of what is provided for me.

i know that i have this safety in Jesus. He is working all things together for my good. but what i'm talking about here is more immature; more short-term and more superficial. protection from the pains of life, whether simple and temporary or complex and deep, that i have come to know and expect as a follower of God. the apostles and disciples knew it. and they said it.

and as immature it is on my part, it is weeks like these two coming up that i desire to feel no pain. i don't want to suffer the consequences of the midterms i don't study enough for or the things i don't start early enough at work. even when i know that the Lord is calling me to put Him above school, i don't want to feel the sting of my grades. but when Jesus tells us we will have to sacrifice it all for Him, He means it.

today i wish i had a trampoline. an easy bounce-back for every tumble. but in reality, if everything bounced off of me and i off of everything else, i wouldn't be grounded in anything. and that's nowhere that i want to be either.

ready, set, comeback.

it's amazing how something so unbelievably small and simple can change everything. the Lord's timing is so perfect, so necessary, so immutable. and as a friend of a good friend (the good friend is wesley kapp) explained, God will never leave you in a season if it is not doing you good. when the time comes that what is good is being out of that place, it will come. without delay. with haste. instantly, you will be free from it.

and so it has been since... well, for awhile. maybe christmas break, maybe just before, maybe just after. i can't even remember when i changed, when i became this person i didn't know. i thought i was doing myself good. important to note the "i thought" because this is just the point: i don't know what is good for me.

i thought that taking hold of my schoolwork would be good. i thought exercising more would be good. i thought narrowing the time spent on my friends in favor of preparedness for other aspects of life would be good. i thought being, acting, and dressing in a more "normal" way would be good. but i was wrong.

none of these thoughts happened consciously. they happened below the surface. in the depths of my heart that i couldn't seem to get to with my prayers. in the places where the enemy creeps into those vulnerable cracks and splits me. into my weakness, he snuck in. maybe like in the dreams.

and then i realized what was lacking. i didn't have that joy i used to have. i had lost that color from my world, from my face, and from my wardrobe. i had lost, for a time, what made me me. and while i hadn't lost the Lord (who is what really makes me me), i had submerged parts of me that He loves. i know He does.

and yet, it didn't make any sense. it was incomprehensible to me that i could be living the way i was living and still not be able to hold that joy cupped in my hands. i finally had it more together than i ever have before: school, work, my future; i was spending regluar time with God, hearing His voice and calling on my life; and more than that, i felt like i was growing. it didn't make any sense at all.

and then it happened: a thought, a walk, some tears, and a prayer. that's all it took for that cloak to be cast off of my heart. and without realizing the impact the prayer would have on my life (the last few days and here on out), one totally normal person was God's vessel for my joy; for the restoration of my friendships and the peace of my heart; for the removal of condemnation and my deep anxieties; for the comeback of my color.

and sometimes, i just have to step back and bask in the perfectness of the Lord. this is one of those times. because it is so true, it is in my weakness that i should boast. grace is abounding all the more.