not your year

lately, i've been finding it really difficult to write, to post, and, at times, to think. sorting out my feelings has been a struggle lately, which is unusual for me, and controlling some of them has been harder. i have felt, in the last few months, my frustration welling inside of me - frustration mainly concerning things i cannot control and cannot change, and some concerning things i've messed up all by myself. this frustration hasn't become tears as it tends to. it has built up, morphing often into anger, discontentment, selfishness, and jealousy.

as i take these frustrations and their sources to the Lord i often wonder if He really hears, and if He does, why He doesn't change things for me. i find myself so upset with God, wondering why it sometimes feels as if He has taken away everything important, everything i need to survive. and so often, i forget that He has not taken away Himself, the only thing. He intends my good, and i often don't see it in the moments of being brought to nothing, of being only the bones of what i feel i once was. but just because i don't feel it doesn't mean it isn't there. just because i can't understand His ways doesn't make them any less perfect or any less right. i am learning to choose to trust, to be patient, to accept loss, to be okay without so many things i feel i need. but God, who knows me intimately and loves me deeply, knows what i really need. He is showing me what i actually need, and though i am frustrated at times by His method, it is, of course, working on my heart.

thanks Jesus, for knowing what's good for me, even when i don't.

since december

much has happened.

my best friend came home from africa, i looked for a job, my family spent christmas together, i got offered a job, i made my first trip to colorado with laura boldt to see the arnolds, i took the job, i went to a summer camp staff reunion, i moved back to charleston, i started the job, i began learning about maritime forests and estuaries and seawhip corals and spotted salamanders and taking care of aquariums, i got into graduate school, and i'm now still trying to figure out the job, my life, my heart, what i think i need, what God says i need, what i want, what God wants, who i'm supposed to be...

but such is life.

God is so good, all the time. i am so thankful for Him and the things He is doing. i'm not always bursting with momentary happiness, but there is such true and incomprehensible joy in knowing Jesus. where His spirit is, there is freedom. from sin, from death, from the world.... His truth sets free, He breaks chains, even the ones i didn't know i had. God has not left me without a Redeemer, today or any day, for He has given me Jesus, the lamb who takes away the sins of the world.

"you are already clean because of the word which i have spoken to you." -john 15:3

made & blessedly restored

In this little thing I saw three attributes: the first is that God made it, the second is that He loves it, the third is that God cares for it. But what does that mean to me? Truly, the maker, the lover, the carer; for until I become one substance with Him, I can never have love, rest or true bliss; that is to say, until I am so bound to Him that there may be no created thing between my God and me. And who shall do this deed? Truly, Himself, by His mercy and His grace, for He has made me and blessedly restored me to that end.

-Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love.

rachel in guinea

a couple weeks before rachel left for guinea, we went to the park to take some pictures so that she could send out postcards telling everyone about her peace corps service and share her blog and new address. these aren't the shots she chose for the front of the cards, but they are some of my favorites from the afternoon.

isn't she just so beautiful?

everything is Yours

A lot has happened since I've returned from France. I've seen roommates in Roswell, spent time with best friends in Athens and at home, spent time with camp friends in Charleston, had family from Florida come for Thanksgiving. My little sister turned sixteen. (Crazy.) I've been to two Falcons games with my dad. I've run tons of errands and done some cleaning with my mom, which is some of my favorite time we get to spend together, just being in the car, doing whatever and talking. UGA beat Georgia Tech and took the SEC East. I saw Needtobreathe in concert, and it was incredible.

On the "well-that's-nice-but-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life-and-what-about-your-future" note, the Lord's hand was definitely in my going to France (I knew it before, but it's nice to see it in hindsight too). Being in France reminded me of why I majored in French, of why I love speaking French, of why I love the French language, French literature, French history, French culture. It was so nice to live and dress and walk and think in French. Even though I felt clumsy and unnatural and awkward and overly American at first, it came to feel very natural. So much so, I suppose, that my English was incredibly jumbled in my mind and, at times, difficult to speak when I returned home. Being there, it was as if all of my French classes were coming to life in front of me, and it was exciting. It was that moment when you realize that you've learned something in college, and not only something useful, but also something that you love.

So, I'm four days out from taking the GRE (boo for standardized testing) and not too far from completing my application. Graduate school, here I come! (Well, hopefully.) I've known since about halfway through college that I wouldn't be done with school after my undergraduate degree (I think I love learning too much), but I wasn't really sure when or where or how that would happen. Now, I'm planning on getting my Masters degree in French. To do what, you ask? I've decided I don't have to know right this second. Right now I'm thinking teaching, but it's not my only option. Ministry is still on the table too. But for now, I really feel that this is where the Lord is leading me. It may seem silly, getting more education when I could be out doing something that seems, from the other side, a lot more productive. But for me, this is the next step. I don't know where God is taking me in the long run, but this is where He is taking me now. So here's to hoping for an acceptance letter come spring!

And with all this excitement also comes change. Letting go, moving on, saying goodbye. Yesterday my best friend of ten years, Rachel, left to begin her service in the Peace Corps as a health educator. She's going to spend over two years in Guinea, in West Africa, which means that, as far as I know right now, I won't see her again until February of 2014, when we are both twenty-five. It's a weird feeling, to be so excited for someone that you want to burst and, at the same time, to feel that all you want is for her to not be so far away.

Spending Friday night with her, right after Thanksgiving, as we were lying in her bed next to each other, trying to fall asleep as we've done at least a hundred times before, I just kept thinking of how thankful I was that God had given me such a good friend for such a long time. And I was reminded of the bridge of a long-time loved worship song that gets me every time: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." I have cried over so many things just trying to muster those words, knowing how hard it is to be okay with God's divine sovereignty, with His choice to take things away. I was reminded that I needed to be thankful to God even though I felt I was losing her for awhile. God is still so good, He is still the perfect Father, He is still the Giver of all things. Job knew this as he asked his wife, "Are we only going to accept the good things from God and not the hard things too?" (Yes, that is my personal paraphrasing.) I remembered how important it is to hold the gifts He gives us loosely, knowing that all things are from Him and through Him and to Him, just as Rachel belongs to Him. She is His beautiful daughter. He is taking her on an amazing adventure, and I am so blessed to call her my friend, to watch her grow and change from afar.

I've been reminded this Thanksgiving season, through saying goodbye to Rachel and through many other avenues, that gratitude isn't about being thankful for the things we have. It's not about "I'm thankful that we can play Just Dance 3 on our Wii" (though it is super fun) or "I'm thankful for my opportunities and my education" or even "I'm thankful for my family and friends." It's great to recognize what wonderful blessings those things are. But our real gratitude it seems, should stem from our thankfulness to God for the gift of His love for us, that He has given us Himself and His Son, that He is who He says He is. Because even without all the things we go on about being thankful for, we would still have reason to praise Him. Because He is God and because He loves us forever.

I still feel I have a lot more things going on to share, but this seems enough for one post. In many ways, I feel I'm still a teenager, and in other ways I feel I am, in this season, growing into more of an adult, even as I live at home with my parents for a time. I think I am changing and growing, and that makes me excited. Though it's a (very, very, very) slow process, I'm hoping I'm starting to look a little bit more like Jesus. God, in His infinite grace toward me in this season, is truly the One to be thankful for.

i miss this.

part of the post-grad experience involves missing college, missing campus, and missing the undergraduate lifestyle. another part, the harder part, is missing the people who you spent it with. looking back through pictures from last year, i've been reminded of how much i love and cherish and miss these girls, even though we now find ourselves in different corners of the state or different corners of the country. i love y'all more than you know!

outside of ladyview at carlen's bridal shower and a silly day at bowling class.

loving a person, sara groves

i have been listening to this song by sara groves over and over since rachel and i saw sara groves and audrey assad and jenny & tyler on sunday night.

"
hold on to me
and i'll hold on to you
let's find out
the beauty of seeing things through

loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
it's the whole thing
"

this song reminds me of how much God loves me, even though "loving me just the way i am" is no small thing. His love really is the whole thing.

a little post-france thought

seeing another country is new and exhausting and trying and wonderful. it makes one ripe for change, for growth, and unfamiliar things and people and places have made me realize my smallness in the world, my own insignificance, and in the best way. in the way that makes you look around, turn a full circle about yourself, and think, "the world really does not revolve around me. God is so big, so much bigger than the jar of my life i've placed Him in." His everywhereness - i think the official word is omnipresence - becomes so clear. His involvement in so many things outside of me is undeniable.

the beauty of the world, of france, in the natural southern olive groves and in the man-made palaces, have made me see God in a new light. to truly recognize Him as Lord over everything, even over things and people that do not want to be lorded over, is eye-opening.

to see cathedrals, flamboyant and overdone, and to notice the contrast - it seems like too much, as if God would have much preferred the down-trodden of the day to benefit from such resources, and yet it seems not enough, not enough light and color and detail and beauty and majesty, even in the incredible art and architecture, to reflect the glory of a divine and holy King. truly, the Lord of heaven and earth does not dwell in temples made by human hands. He dwells everywhere, in france and the states, even within my little, wretched, so-in-need-of-grace heart.

there will be much more about my trip - things we did and things i've learned, pictures and words and thoughts and verses - once i collect all my files and thoughts. all in due time.

more fully myself

the Lord has really been speaking to me through this devotional. i've come back to it over and over in the past few mornings and evenings, rereading and thinking about being myself, being changed, and being known by God:

"I designed you to live in union with Me. This union does not negate who you are; it actually makes you more fully yourself. When you try to live independently of me, you experience emptiness and dissatisfaction. You may gain the whole world and yet lose everything that really counts.

Find fulfillment through living close to Me, yielding to My purposes for you. Though I may lead you along paths tht feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing. If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately - far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be."

-Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, September 16

"for You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.

i will give thanks to You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made;

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

my frame was not hidden from You,

when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,

when as yet there was not one of them."

-psalm 139:13-16

"quand je n'étais qu'une masse informe, tes yeux me voyaient; et sur ton livre étaient tous inscrits les jours qui m'étaient destinés, avant qu'aucun d'eux existât." -psaume 139:16

for surely You are a God who sees.

les invalides.

officially called l'hôtel national des invalides, this set of buildings was originally commissioned by louis xiv as a home and hospital for retired, sick, and injured soldiers. today, it still serves some of those same purposes as well as others. it is located in the 7è arrondisement, and it is not that far of a walk from our apartment.

the most famous part of les invalides is the tomb of napoléon. inside the dome, there is a humongous circle opening looking down into the bottom floor, where his coffin is. i have never seen such a large tomb in my entire life. there are also tons of statues, including one of napoléon in which he looks like julius caesar... and he is tall. pretty sure he wasn't tall (or wearing a toga) in real life. oh well. i guess when you're really important you can portray yourself however you like.

above the stairs leading down to where he is buried, is a quote from napoléon. it reads, "i wish that my ashes rest along the edge of the seine, among the french people i loved so much."

another cool part is the musée de l'armée (the army museum), which chronicles the pre-world war 1 era all the way through the end of 1945. there are tons of displays (this museum is huge), including paintings, guns, cannons, political cartoons, newspapers, video clips, and maps. probably my favorite part was seeing all of the different uniforms from different eras, countries, and ranks. also, the section about the liberation of france was pretty cool.

there is also charles de gaulle museum, where rachel and i watched a 30-or-so minute film about his life. this guy was amazing. with only some military experience, he decided to lead the french resistance after maréchal pétain surrendered france to the germans... and he led it from england for four years! after the liberation, he was beloved in france. he served in different capacities throughout the rest of his life, and he instituted so many reforms during his time. he really put france on the road to becoming the country it is today. and you can tell how much he loved his country.

we also saw an exhibit of des plans-reliefs, which are basically models of cities, castles, and fortifications that were used for strategy. the room was very dark and the cases were the only part that was lit up. a little boy and his dad were walking around, and i overheard this conversation:

little boy: j'ai peur! (i'm scared!)

dad: oui, on a peur parce qu'il est noir. (yes, it's scary because it's dark.)

little boy: "peut-être il y a des monstres!" (maybe there are monsters!)

dad: oh, je ne sais pas... (oh, i don't know)

little kids speaking french is the cutest.

all in all, it was a good day. a humorous moment was when rachel and i decided to get an ice cream from the cafeteria there. we saw a display that looked like it should dispense fro-yo, but we couldn't figure out how it worked because there was nowhere for any ice cream to come out of the machine. confused, we settled on looking at the other ice cream bars, when a guy came to help us. he pulled a plastic cylinder out of a cooler, and locked it into place on the machine, which proceeded to push all the ice cream out onto the cone. he then forced us, in turn, to lick the remaining ice cream out of the bottoms of the plastic cyclinders. the other people in the cafeteria were watching us with confused looks on their faces. i was laughing a lot. it was fun being awkward and silly; no one does that too much here. and this was the hottest day of our trip by far... so eating ice cream in the gardens outside the dome was awesome!

also, any day i'm wearing my chacos in france is a good day.

la tour eiffel.

la tour eiffel was built for the 1889 world's fair, to celebrate the 100 year birthday since the french revolution, under the direction of gustave eiffel. when it first went up, many parisians hated it and thought it was ugly. originally it was only meant to stand for 20 years, but it was efficient for communication, even being used for military purposes during world war 1. during the german occupation of france, the cables to the top were cut so that hitler could not go up it. and in 2002, the world's most famous structure reached 200,000,000 visitors. that is. so. many. stinkin'. people.

it's funny. you get to paris, and everyone's asking you whether you've seen the eiffel tower yet, as if that's the thing you must do there; i didn't really understand the hype. i guess i've always been fascinated by smaller places, ones that are less dominated by tourists with those necklace money carriers and massive cameras and gargantuan buses that they spill out of. (and yes, i do recognize that i am one of those tourists with the massive cameras.)

but really. when you get there, sitting on the green grass of champ de mars (named for the god of war because of its former use as a space for military drills) with a picnic lunch of a ham and gruyère on a baguette and your best friend, you look up to the eiffel tower and think to yourself, "wow, i am really, truly, in paris." the tower is impressive and beautiful, in its metallic sort of way. i really like it. and it's not too far from our place. i have a feeling similar picnics may happen in the future. especially since the weather here is perfectly autumnal.

in conclusion: drinking starbuck's in france may be super american, jumping in front of a historic monument may be totally cliché, but being in the city of lights with your best friend is not overrated.

panthéon.

the panthéon, whose front is modeled after a monument bearing its same name in greece, used to be a church but is now a mausoleum housing famous frenchmen. the "grands hommes" are people who france considers to be national heroes because of their intellectual contributions.

inside are murals depicting different moments in the life of saint geneviève, to whom the panthéon was dedicated. there are also sculptures and frescoes dating from different periods of french history. the size and the detailed architecture of the interior dome are the most impressive parts... pretty unbelievable.

in the crypt are the tombs of france's heroes: voltaire (a personal favorite of mine since the statue depicts him smiling... he was a clever guy), jean jacques rousseau, emile zola, alexander dumas, jean moulin, marie and pierre curie, louis braille, and many others. as with the cimitière de montparnasse, it's amazing to be among some of france's most important people!

we also took a trip to the dome of the panthéon, where you can see all of paris. it was lovely. all in all, it was a great afternoon. it was our first "monument," i suppose, and therefore my first taste of all of the glory of france. this country is so old, so rich in history, compared to the states. everything is full of the centuries, and it is so evident in the buildings, museums, and homes. i love that.

la cimitière de montparnasse.

in the early 19th century, all of the cemeteries in paris were closed, due to health concerns about the spread of disease. several cemeteries were created on different sides of paris as a result - this one is slightly south. montparnasse was an artists' district in between world war 1 and world war 2, full of painters and writers.

probably the neatest part of being in this cemetery is not only how peaceful and enjoyable it is (it's not creepy or eerie - much more like a park, we've eaten lunch on benches there twice so far) but also how exciting it is to be at the resting places of some really notable people. these are people whose works i have read and studied intently, mostly during college french courses. but to walk where they walked, to see things they saw, and to be where they are buried... that's completely different.

some notables who i'm familiar with who are buried here: charles baudelaire, marguerite duras, eugène ionesco, vercors, samuel beckett, jean-paul sartre, and simone de beauvoir.

many visitors leave letters to the authors detailing the personal impact of their work. it's reading those notes that reminds me of the impact of literature. one of my favorites contained this quote:

"all of old. nothing else ever.

ever tried. ever failed.

no matter. try again.

fail again. fail better."

-samuel beckett

something i love about paris: it seems as though every place is full of history and literature and art. it's a beautiful thing.

nous sommes arrivees!

so rachel and i made it to paris, and to our apartment, near montparnasse. check out this post on rachel's blog for an update on our first couple of days.

so far, we have eaten pastries, walked and sat in the jardin de luxembourg (which includes le senat, the building which houses the french senate), bought prepaid cellphones, and bought cokes at mcdonalds (to use the wifi), although i will say it was much, much nicer than any mcdonalds i've ever been to in america.

highlights of my day today:

1. a man helping us get our phones said that my french was "very good for an american." i will take that as a compliment - it was enough to boost my confidence, which was slowly fading at first. he also said he loved the warm weather in florida (i wonder what time of year he went there), he congratulated us on graduating from college, and he asked if i was italian, based on my name, which is shared with a singer named laura pausini. all in all, a very nice interaction. thank you, orange.

2. the camembert that would probably cost 9 or 10 dollars in america was 1,7 euro. ridiculous. my "expensive" tastes are well-suited for living here.

3. time with rachel over a coffee and croissant au chocolat (rachel) and an orangina and a delicious, cream-filled sugary triangle (me).

kisses from paris,

laura

the past 3 months, pt. 4

some favorites from rockville regatta weekend.

the past 3 months, pt. 3

summer at st. christopher!

come.

"wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest."
-my utmost for His highest, august 20

i spend a lot of my energy wrestling with anxiety, with doubt, with fear. Jesus calls out to me, "come to me, laura elizabeth, you are wearied, i will give you rest... in me, you will find rest for your soul." (matthew 11:28-30) Jesus doesn't tell me that He can give me rest but that He will.

i ask why, Lord? what's going on? why do i feel i'm at this life thing alone sometimes? i beg for answers, like thomas, "Lord, i don't know where You're going, how will i know the way?" (john 14:5) i don't feel i know the way at all, and i cry out in my confusion. Jesus answers me, "peace i leave you, laura; i am giving you my peace, not the peace the world tries to give you. do not let your heart be troubled; do not be afraid, laura." (john 14:27) Jesus tells me to not be afraid. He commands me, "be strong, laura, have courage. do not be shaken, do not be dejected. i am with you wherever you go, laura." (joshua 1:9) Jesus has not left me homeless, He has given me a home in Him. i am not alone.

i use a lot of my heart and my thoughts trying to figure things out, trying to create my perfect plan, my perfect next step, my perfect life. and the pressure i place on myself is too much, trying and trying to do it myself, never stopping to listen. Jesus says to me, "laura, laura, you are worried and bothered by so many things... stop, sit at my feet, listen to me. then you will know what can never be taken, then you will know what will last." (luke 10:38-42) Jesus asks me to listen to His word; the rest will be taken care of. He says to me, "laura, cast your anxiety on me. i care for you." (1 peter 5:7)

i often walk in fear that i will do something wrong, that i have made the wrong choice, that i have screwed things up, that i have failed again. but God encourages me, "laura, i am not giving you the spirit of fear. i am giving you this kind of spirit: my power, my love, my discipline." (2 timothy 1:7) He says, use these things, walk in this way, not in the way of your old life but in the way of your overflowing life in Me. and as for your failures, do you think i am not enough to cover them? Jesus tells me, "laura, i bore your sins in my body on the cross, so that you might die to your sin and live to righteousness, for by my wounds, you are healed." (1 peter 2:24) do you hear me, laura? Jesus Christ died to heal me. "i have showed my deep love for you: though you were a sinner, i died for you." (romans 5:8) God has not left me without a Redeemer: His name is Jesus.

Jesus says, "laura, do not be afraid. i have redeemed you. i am calling you by your name. you belong to me." (isaiah 43:1) don't you know that your name means victory? what have you to fear?

laura, when you know my unquenchable love for You, when you know you are healed and redeemed and clean before me, you will know my unfathomable peace, you will experience my rest, you will be able to sit still. you will not longer live in a constant state of anxiety and fear if you know the "breadth and length and height depth of my love which surpasses knowledge." (ephesians 3:18-19) you will have all the strength and courage and power and love and discipline that you need. i have already given them to you, laura. when you rest secure in my love for you, you will see them play out in your life. you will see that you have everything that you need in me, that in me all things hold together. you will find rest for your soul. cease your striving, laura. come to Me that you might know Me.

---

laura elizabeth,
come, walk toward me.
make my grace your home,
make my goodness your shelter,
make my love the place you dwell always.
by my wounds, you are healed.
love, Jesus

the past 3 months, pt. 2

in may, i graduated from college!

the past 3 months, pt.1

on june 11, carlen and david got married!

rae..

sometimes you just take a picture of somebody really beautiful.