rachel in guinea

a couple weeks before rachel left for guinea, we went to the park to take some pictures so that she could send out postcards telling everyone about her peace corps service and share her blog and new address. these aren't the shots she chose for the front of the cards, but they are some of my favorites from the afternoon.

isn't she just so beautiful?

everything is Yours

A lot has happened since I've returned from France. I've seen roommates in Roswell, spent time with best friends in Athens and at home, spent time with camp friends in Charleston, had family from Florida come for Thanksgiving. My little sister turned sixteen. (Crazy.) I've been to two Falcons games with my dad. I've run tons of errands and done some cleaning with my mom, which is some of my favorite time we get to spend together, just being in the car, doing whatever and talking. UGA beat Georgia Tech and took the SEC East. I saw Needtobreathe in concert, and it was incredible.

On the "well-that's-nice-but-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life-and-what-about-your-future" note, the Lord's hand was definitely in my going to France (I knew it before, but it's nice to see it in hindsight too). Being in France reminded me of why I majored in French, of why I love speaking French, of why I love the French language, French literature, French history, French culture. It was so nice to live and dress and walk and think in French. Even though I felt clumsy and unnatural and awkward and overly American at first, it came to feel very natural. So much so, I suppose, that my English was incredibly jumbled in my mind and, at times, difficult to speak when I returned home. Being there, it was as if all of my French classes were coming to life in front of me, and it was exciting. It was that moment when you realize that you've learned something in college, and not only something useful, but also something that you love.

So, I'm four days out from taking the GRE (boo for standardized testing) and not too far from completing my application. Graduate school, here I come! (Well, hopefully.) I've known since about halfway through college that I wouldn't be done with school after my undergraduate degree (I think I love learning too much), but I wasn't really sure when or where or how that would happen. Now, I'm planning on getting my Masters degree in French. To do what, you ask? I've decided I don't have to know right this second. Right now I'm thinking teaching, but it's not my only option. Ministry is still on the table too. But for now, I really feel that this is where the Lord is leading me. It may seem silly, getting more education when I could be out doing something that seems, from the other side, a lot more productive. But for me, this is the next step. I don't know where God is taking me in the long run, but this is where He is taking me now. So here's to hoping for an acceptance letter come spring!

And with all this excitement also comes change. Letting go, moving on, saying goodbye. Yesterday my best friend of ten years, Rachel, left to begin her service in the Peace Corps as a health educator. She's going to spend over two years in Guinea, in West Africa, which means that, as far as I know right now, I won't see her again until February of 2014, when we are both twenty-five. It's a weird feeling, to be so excited for someone that you want to burst and, at the same time, to feel that all you want is for her to not be so far away.

Spending Friday night with her, right after Thanksgiving, as we were lying in her bed next to each other, trying to fall asleep as we've done at least a hundred times before, I just kept thinking of how thankful I was that God had given me such a good friend for such a long time. And I was reminded of the bridge of a long-time loved worship song that gets me every time: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." I have cried over so many things just trying to muster those words, knowing how hard it is to be okay with God's divine sovereignty, with His choice to take things away. I was reminded that I needed to be thankful to God even though I felt I was losing her for awhile. God is still so good, He is still the perfect Father, He is still the Giver of all things. Job knew this as he asked his wife, "Are we only going to accept the good things from God and not the hard things too?" (Yes, that is my personal paraphrasing.) I remembered how important it is to hold the gifts He gives us loosely, knowing that all things are from Him and through Him and to Him, just as Rachel belongs to Him. She is His beautiful daughter. He is taking her on an amazing adventure, and I am so blessed to call her my friend, to watch her grow and change from afar.

I've been reminded this Thanksgiving season, through saying goodbye to Rachel and through many other avenues, that gratitude isn't about being thankful for the things we have. It's not about "I'm thankful that we can play Just Dance 3 on our Wii" (though it is super fun) or "I'm thankful for my opportunities and my education" or even "I'm thankful for my family and friends." It's great to recognize what wonderful blessings those things are. But our real gratitude it seems, should stem from our thankfulness to God for the gift of His love for us, that He has given us Himself and His Son, that He is who He says He is. Because even without all the things we go on about being thankful for, we would still have reason to praise Him. Because He is God and because He loves us forever.

I still feel I have a lot more things going on to share, but this seems enough for one post. In many ways, I feel I'm still a teenager, and in other ways I feel I am, in this season, growing into more of an adult, even as I live at home with my parents for a time. I think I am changing and growing, and that makes me excited. Though it's a (very, very, very) slow process, I'm hoping I'm starting to look a little bit more like Jesus. God, in His infinite grace toward me in this season, is truly the One to be thankful for.

i miss this.

part of the post-grad experience involves missing college, missing campus, and missing the undergraduate lifestyle. another part, the harder part, is missing the people who you spent it with. looking back through pictures from last year, i've been reminded of how much i love and cherish and miss these girls, even though we now find ourselves in different corners of the state or different corners of the country. i love y'all more than you know!

outside of ladyview at carlen's bridal shower and a silly day at bowling class.

loving a person, sara groves

i have been listening to this song by sara groves over and over since rachel and i saw sara groves and audrey assad and jenny & tyler on sunday night.

"
hold on to me
and i'll hold on to you
let's find out
the beauty of seeing things through

loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
it's the whole thing
"

this song reminds me of how much God loves me, even though "loving me just the way i am" is no small thing. His love really is the whole thing.

a little post-france thought

seeing another country is new and exhausting and trying and wonderful. it makes one ripe for change, for growth, and unfamiliar things and people and places have made me realize my smallness in the world, my own insignificance, and in the best way. in the way that makes you look around, turn a full circle about yourself, and think, "the world really does not revolve around me. God is so big, so much bigger than the jar of my life i've placed Him in." His everywhereness - i think the official word is omnipresence - becomes so clear. His involvement in so many things outside of me is undeniable.

the beauty of the world, of france, in the natural southern olive groves and in the man-made palaces, have made me see God in a new light. to truly recognize Him as Lord over everything, even over things and people that do not want to be lorded over, is eye-opening.

to see cathedrals, flamboyant and overdone, and to notice the contrast - it seems like too much, as if God would have much preferred the down-trodden of the day to benefit from such resources, and yet it seems not enough, not enough light and color and detail and beauty and majesty, even in the incredible art and architecture, to reflect the glory of a divine and holy King. truly, the Lord of heaven and earth does not dwell in temples made by human hands. He dwells everywhere, in france and the states, even within my little, wretched, so-in-need-of-grace heart.

there will be much more about my trip - things we did and things i've learned, pictures and words and thoughts and verses - once i collect all my files and thoughts. all in due time.

more fully myself

the Lord has really been speaking to me through this devotional. i've come back to it over and over in the past few mornings and evenings, rereading and thinking about being myself, being changed, and being known by God:

"I designed you to live in union with Me. This union does not negate who you are; it actually makes you more fully yourself. When you try to live independently of me, you experience emptiness and dissatisfaction. You may gain the whole world and yet lose everything that really counts.

Find fulfillment through living close to Me, yielding to My purposes for you. Though I may lead you along paths tht feel alien to you, trust that I know what I am doing. If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden. I know you intimately - far better than you know yourself. In union with Me, you are complete. In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be."

-Sarah Young, Jesus Calling, September 16

"for You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.

i will give thanks to You, for i am fearfully and wonderfully made;

wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well.

my frame was not hidden from You,

when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me,

when as yet there was not one of them."

-psalm 139:13-16

"quand je n'étais qu'une masse informe, tes yeux me voyaient; et sur ton livre étaient tous inscrits les jours qui m'étaient destinés, avant qu'aucun d'eux existât." -psaume 139:16

for surely You are a God who sees.

les invalides.

officially called l'hôtel national des invalides, this set of buildings was originally commissioned by louis xiv as a home and hospital for retired, sick, and injured soldiers. today, it still serves some of those same purposes as well as others. it is located in the 7è arrondisement, and it is not that far of a walk from our apartment.

the most famous part of les invalides is the tomb of napoléon. inside the dome, there is a humongous circle opening looking down into the bottom floor, where his coffin is. i have never seen such a large tomb in my entire life. there are also tons of statues, including one of napoléon in which he looks like julius caesar... and he is tall. pretty sure he wasn't tall (or wearing a toga) in real life. oh well. i guess when you're really important you can portray yourself however you like.

above the stairs leading down to where he is buried, is a quote from napoléon. it reads, "i wish that my ashes rest along the edge of the seine, among the french people i loved so much."

another cool part is the musée de l'armée (the army museum), which chronicles the pre-world war 1 era all the way through the end of 1945. there are tons of displays (this museum is huge), including paintings, guns, cannons, political cartoons, newspapers, video clips, and maps. probably my favorite part was seeing all of the different uniforms from different eras, countries, and ranks. also, the section about the liberation of france was pretty cool.

there is also charles de gaulle museum, where rachel and i watched a 30-or-so minute film about his life. this guy was amazing. with only some military experience, he decided to lead the french resistance after maréchal pétain surrendered france to the germans... and he led it from england for four years! after the liberation, he was beloved in france. he served in different capacities throughout the rest of his life, and he instituted so many reforms during his time. he really put france on the road to becoming the country it is today. and you can tell how much he loved his country.

we also saw an exhibit of des plans-reliefs, which are basically models of cities, castles, and fortifications that were used for strategy. the room was very dark and the cases were the only part that was lit up. a little boy and his dad were walking around, and i overheard this conversation:

little boy: j'ai peur! (i'm scared!)

dad: oui, on a peur parce qu'il est noir. (yes, it's scary because it's dark.)

little boy: "peut-être il y a des monstres!" (maybe there are monsters!)

dad: oh, je ne sais pas... (oh, i don't know)

little kids speaking french is the cutest.

all in all, it was a good day. a humorous moment was when rachel and i decided to get an ice cream from the cafeteria there. we saw a display that looked like it should dispense fro-yo, but we couldn't figure out how it worked because there was nowhere for any ice cream to come out of the machine. confused, we settled on looking at the other ice cream bars, when a guy came to help us. he pulled a plastic cylinder out of a cooler, and locked it into place on the machine, which proceeded to push all the ice cream out onto the cone. he then forced us, in turn, to lick the remaining ice cream out of the bottoms of the plastic cyclinders. the other people in the cafeteria were watching us with confused looks on their faces. i was laughing a lot. it was fun being awkward and silly; no one does that too much here. and this was the hottest day of our trip by far... so eating ice cream in the gardens outside the dome was awesome!

also, any day i'm wearing my chacos in france is a good day.

la tour eiffel.

la tour eiffel was built for the 1889 world's fair, to celebrate the 100 year birthday since the french revolution, under the direction of gustave eiffel. when it first went up, many parisians hated it and thought it was ugly. originally it was only meant to stand for 20 years, but it was efficient for communication, even being used for military purposes during world war 1. during the german occupation of france, the cables to the top were cut so that hitler could not go up it. and in 2002, the world's most famous structure reached 200,000,000 visitors. that is. so. many. stinkin'. people.

it's funny. you get to paris, and everyone's asking you whether you've seen the eiffel tower yet, as if that's the thing you must do there; i didn't really understand the hype. i guess i've always been fascinated by smaller places, ones that are less dominated by tourists with those necklace money carriers and massive cameras and gargantuan buses that they spill out of. (and yes, i do recognize that i am one of those tourists with the massive cameras.)

but really. when you get there, sitting on the green grass of champ de mars (named for the god of war because of its former use as a space for military drills) with a picnic lunch of a ham and gruyère on a baguette and your best friend, you look up to the eiffel tower and think to yourself, "wow, i am really, truly, in paris." the tower is impressive and beautiful, in its metallic sort of way. i really like it. and it's not too far from our place. i have a feeling similar picnics may happen in the future. especially since the weather here is perfectly autumnal.

in conclusion: drinking starbuck's in france may be super american, jumping in front of a historic monument may be totally cliché, but being in the city of lights with your best friend is not overrated.

panthéon.

the panthéon, whose front is modeled after a monument bearing its same name in greece, used to be a church but is now a mausoleum housing famous frenchmen. the "grands hommes" are people who france considers to be national heroes because of their intellectual contributions.

inside are murals depicting different moments in the life of saint geneviève, to whom the panthéon was dedicated. there are also sculptures and frescoes dating from different periods of french history. the size and the detailed architecture of the interior dome are the most impressive parts... pretty unbelievable.

in the crypt are the tombs of france's heroes: voltaire (a personal favorite of mine since the statue depicts him smiling... he was a clever guy), jean jacques rousseau, emile zola, alexander dumas, jean moulin, marie and pierre curie, louis braille, and many others. as with the cimitière de montparnasse, it's amazing to be among some of france's most important people!

we also took a trip to the dome of the panthéon, where you can see all of paris. it was lovely. all in all, it was a great afternoon. it was our first "monument," i suppose, and therefore my first taste of all of the glory of france. this country is so old, so rich in history, compared to the states. everything is full of the centuries, and it is so evident in the buildings, museums, and homes. i love that.

la cimitière de montparnasse.

in the early 19th century, all of the cemeteries in paris were closed, due to health concerns about the spread of disease. several cemeteries were created on different sides of paris as a result - this one is slightly south. montparnasse was an artists' district in between world war 1 and world war 2, full of painters and writers.

probably the neatest part of being in this cemetery is not only how peaceful and enjoyable it is (it's not creepy or eerie - much more like a park, we've eaten lunch on benches there twice so far) but also how exciting it is to be at the resting places of some really notable people. these are people whose works i have read and studied intently, mostly during college french courses. but to walk where they walked, to see things they saw, and to be where they are buried... that's completely different.

some notables who i'm familiar with who are buried here: charles baudelaire, marguerite duras, eugène ionesco, vercors, samuel beckett, jean-paul sartre, and simone de beauvoir.

many visitors leave letters to the authors detailing the personal impact of their work. it's reading those notes that reminds me of the impact of literature. one of my favorites contained this quote:

"all of old. nothing else ever.

ever tried. ever failed.

no matter. try again.

fail again. fail better."

-samuel beckett

something i love about paris: it seems as though every place is full of history and literature and art. it's a beautiful thing.

nous sommes arrivees!

so rachel and i made it to paris, and to our apartment, near montparnasse. check out this post on rachel's blog for an update on our first couple of days.

so far, we have eaten pastries, walked and sat in the jardin de luxembourg (which includes le senat, the building which houses the french senate), bought prepaid cellphones, and bought cokes at mcdonalds (to use the wifi), although i will say it was much, much nicer than any mcdonalds i've ever been to in america.

highlights of my day today:

1. a man helping us get our phones said that my french was "very good for an american." i will take that as a compliment - it was enough to boost my confidence, which was slowly fading at first. he also said he loved the warm weather in florida (i wonder what time of year he went there), he congratulated us on graduating from college, and he asked if i was italian, based on my name, which is shared with a singer named laura pausini. all in all, a very nice interaction. thank you, orange.

2. the camembert that would probably cost 9 or 10 dollars in america was 1,7 euro. ridiculous. my "expensive" tastes are well-suited for living here.

3. time with rachel over a coffee and croissant au chocolat (rachel) and an orangina and a delicious, cream-filled sugary triangle (me).

kisses from paris,

laura

the past 3 months, pt. 4

some favorites from rockville regatta weekend.

the past 3 months, pt. 3

summer at st. christopher!

come.

"wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest."
-my utmost for His highest, august 20

i spend a lot of my energy wrestling with anxiety, with doubt, with fear. Jesus calls out to me, "come to me, laura elizabeth, you are wearied, i will give you rest... in me, you will find rest for your soul." (matthew 11:28-30) Jesus doesn't tell me that He can give me rest but that He will.

i ask why, Lord? what's going on? why do i feel i'm at this life thing alone sometimes? i beg for answers, like thomas, "Lord, i don't know where You're going, how will i know the way?" (john 14:5) i don't feel i know the way at all, and i cry out in my confusion. Jesus answers me, "peace i leave you, laura; i am giving you my peace, not the peace the world tries to give you. do not let your heart be troubled; do not be afraid, laura." (john 14:27) Jesus tells me to not be afraid. He commands me, "be strong, laura, have courage. do not be shaken, do not be dejected. i am with you wherever you go, laura." (joshua 1:9) Jesus has not left me homeless, He has given me a home in Him. i am not alone.

i use a lot of my heart and my thoughts trying to figure things out, trying to create my perfect plan, my perfect next step, my perfect life. and the pressure i place on myself is too much, trying and trying to do it myself, never stopping to listen. Jesus says to me, "laura, laura, you are worried and bothered by so many things... stop, sit at my feet, listen to me. then you will know what can never be taken, then you will know what will last." (luke 10:38-42) Jesus asks me to listen to His word; the rest will be taken care of. He says to me, "laura, cast your anxiety on me. i care for you." (1 peter 5:7)

i often walk in fear that i will do something wrong, that i have made the wrong choice, that i have screwed things up, that i have failed again. but God encourages me, "laura, i am not giving you the spirit of fear. i am giving you this kind of spirit: my power, my love, my discipline." (2 timothy 1:7) He says, use these things, walk in this way, not in the way of your old life but in the way of your overflowing life in Me. and as for your failures, do you think i am not enough to cover them? Jesus tells me, "laura, i bore your sins in my body on the cross, so that you might die to your sin and live to righteousness, for by my wounds, you are healed." (1 peter 2:24) do you hear me, laura? Jesus Christ died to heal me. "i have showed my deep love for you: though you were a sinner, i died for you." (romans 5:8) God has not left me without a Redeemer: His name is Jesus.

Jesus says, "laura, do not be afraid. i have redeemed you. i am calling you by your name. you belong to me." (isaiah 43:1) don't you know that your name means victory? what have you to fear?

laura, when you know my unquenchable love for You, when you know you are healed and redeemed and clean before me, you will know my unfathomable peace, you will experience my rest, you will be able to sit still. you will not longer live in a constant state of anxiety and fear if you know the "breadth and length and height depth of my love which surpasses knowledge." (ephesians 3:18-19) you will have all the strength and courage and power and love and discipline that you need. i have already given them to you, laura. when you rest secure in my love for you, you will see them play out in your life. you will see that you have everything that you need in me, that in me all things hold together. you will find rest for your soul. cease your striving, laura. come to Me that you might know Me.

---

laura elizabeth,
come, walk toward me.
make my grace your home,
make my goodness your shelter,
make my love the place you dwell always.
by my wounds, you are healed.
love, Jesus

the past 3 months, pt. 2

in may, i graduated from college!

the past 3 months, pt.1

on june 11, carlen and david got married!

rae..

sometimes you just take a picture of somebody really beautiful.

june 26

The fullness of joy is to behold God in everything.
God is the ground, the substance,
the teaching, the teacher,
the purpose, and the reward for which every soul labors.

-Julian of Norwich

cast away

today, we went to crab dock to float, eat watermelon and boiled peanuts, and just spend some time together before campers (!) arrive tomorrow. here's a picture i really like from today.

month of may

there has been so much going on recently. i have a lot of things i want to blog about - finals, graduation, plans for the fall, growing up. there is much to be said, and too much to be said right now. but those posts will come with time, and with rest.

in other news, i am at camp. a wonderful place, a place that feels like a sort of home now. and yet, i am realizing (maybe the hard way) that things never turn out the way i see them happening in my head. even at camp. but though there are some areas where i'm hurting, i know the Lord is good.

encouraging sisterly affection

something to be thankful for: an amazing sister.

i love that emily and i have fun doing pretty much anything together. she is so warm, loving, and sweet. i love coming home because she is always excited to see me. she is simply awesome.

some of our favorite things to do together are laughing, cooking, baking, watching pride and prejudice, thrifting, watching glee, drinking coke floats, singing, dancing, getting frozen yogurt, playing board games, watching old movies (mostly musicals and anything with bing crosby) and sleeping with our beds or mattresses pushed together.

everything is bound to change

once upon a time, i graduated from high school and went to college. lora wong made me a mix cd, and written on the cd in sharpie were the lyrics from a sean mcconnell song: "you know things can never stay the same, you know everything is bound to change." truth. things were bound to change then, in summer 2007, just as things are bound to change now. this is the course of life.

when i experience major change, i feel there is a lot to grieve: the loss of the things that have been. new, good things will come, but it's hard to deal with closing a chapter of life. i am truly a creature of habit. change is hard for me. i can't think of any other time in my life when i've felt this frustrated with the things God is doing, or in my case, the things i feel He isn't doing. i know He's working even though i don't understand but i want answers to my questions. when is He going to make me excited about the future? when will the confusion disappear? what exactly are my passions? what is my specific calling in life? these are things i really desire...

maybe the issue comes down to what everyone else is doing. other people are getting jobs in areas they're really passionate about. other people are moving to cool cities. other people are getting married. other people have actual jobs where they will make money and support themselves. other people have internships that will eventually get them jobs. other people have perfect plans developed. other people are looking forward to the future. i know i shouldn't be playing the comparison game... but sometimes, compared to all this, i feel like i have nothing.

i know the Lord has specific, perfect, individual plans just for me. i have hope that He will bring to completion all the things He's been starting in me (though i don't know His timeline). i have faith that the Lord is still good, still strong and powerful, still sovereign, still loving and kind and gracious and merciful, still righteous and holy, still perfect, still all-knowing... even though, in some moments, i often don't feel that these things are true about Him. they are still true. and Jesus is still worthy of everything: all my strength and hope, all my love and devotion, all my trust.

elissa has captured my prayer for this morning:
"i do not need to know Your schedule or Your plans
Christ died so i can live is all i need to understand
i put my trust in You and on Your promises i'll stand"

help me to know this is true, Jesus. help me to trust You.

on deck or in the hole

tonight during my small group of dance leaders, my friend katherine read the devotional from "jesus calling" from march 26, the date that restoration happened this year. she read it to us because of the final line, "in My presence is the fullness of joy." this is cool because this part of psalm 16 was popping up all over the place. it was our "theme verse," if you will, for the tap piece meredith and i choreographed, and as leaders we really felt the Lord speaking His joy, a joy that is not defined by our circumstances but by the Lord's goodness and faithfulness, over the dancers and the audience.

but, surprisingly, this was not the part of the devotional that really stuck out to me. the majority of it was about waiting on the Lord. oh the ironies.

"I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual presence. waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do My will."

there was a similar topic in one of my favorite devotionals a few days prior. the text begins by mentioning the forty years that the israelites spent oppressed in egypt before God delivered them. sometimes, God waits. as the devotional says, "yet when God delays, He is not inactive. this is when He prepares His instruments and matures our strength. then at the appointed time we will rise up and be equal to our task. even Jesus of nazareth had thirty years of privacy, growing in wisdom before He began His work." (streams in the desert, march 22)

and further: "don't steal tomorrow from God's hands. give Him time to speak to you and reveal His will. He is never late - learn to wait."

shake the dust off your feet

the sound of music is one of my favorite movies. as a family, we would watch it during every eight-hour car trip to florida, probably because my parents knew it would keep us entertained for a solid three hours. we sang all of the songs (loudly) and knew almost all of the lines.

i was reminded today of one of my favorite parts of the movie, when the reverend mother speaks with maria in her office. it's likely that maria thought she was going to get a talking-to about her singing in the abbey, but in fact, the reverend mother tells her she will be leaving them for a while. suddenly, her entire life changes. she was going to be a nun... but everything she's assumed about her future is no longer intact, and what she thought was God's will seems to no longer be His plan. the abbey is the only place she feels she belongs, yet she is essentially given no choice but to follow another route. it seems God has, out of nowhere, thrown a curveball.

as she leaves the abbey, maria looks back and says one of the famous lines in the movie, "when the Lord closes a door... somewhere He opens a window."

i think that so many people latch onto this phrase because it is, essentially, a statement of faith and of hope. maria has absolutely no idea what awaits her at the house, but still she chooses to believe that God is going to do something good, that though He has said no to the abbey for the time being, He is doing a new thing somewhere else. it doesn't necessarily mean she'll never be back there. "but for now," He seems to be saying, "I'm doing something else. I'm sending you somewhere different. I know this isn't what you expected, I know this isn't what you thought you heard Me say, but I've got it under control." though she must've felt afraid, uncertain, and disappointed, she changes her perspective. she sees the new path not as second-string plan but instead as her primary route, as the thing that God is providing for in this time. she chooses to trust that God shut the door Himself, that He is the one who is opening the window, a window she never knew was there.

it's hard to step out in faith when we have no idea what is ahead. but God is the lamp to our feet and the light to our path. as my college pastor explained, this means that God is giving light to the places right in front of our feet so that we can walk in the dark. it doesn't mean he has illuminated the entire road, for years and years to come. it simply means He is providing us with what we need to walk on in the next few moments.

so onward i walk. not by sight, but by faith and by the Spirit. Jesus Himself said, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in darkness but will have the Light of life." (john 8.12)

it's officially time for pressing on.

caught up in grace

take my life,
take all that i am.
with all that i am,
i will love You.

take my heart,
take all that i have.
Jesus, how i adore You.

-hillsong united, like an avalanche

judges 6:36-40

then Gideon said to God, "if You will save Israel by my hand, as You have said, behold i am laying a fleece of wool on the threshing floor. if there is dew on the fleece alone and it is dry on all the ground, then i shall know that You will save Israel by my hand as You have said."

and it was so. when he rose early the next morning and squeezed the fleece, he wrung enough dew from the fleece to fill a bowl with water.

then Gideon said to God, "let not Your anger burn against me; let me speak just once more. please let me test just once more with the fleece. please let it be dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground let there be dew."

and God did so that night. and it was dry on the fleece only, and on all the ground there was dew.

---

i love this story because though Gideon was recorded in hebrews for his faith, we see here that he was not a man of perfect faith. God called him, and Gideon questioned. i love that the Lord chooses us even in our weakness, when we lack courage and faith. so cool.

[people i love]

the word on the street is that my blog is depressing.

thus, i am making a concerted effort to make it reflect

the abundant joy that is in my life,

which i often forget to blog about in the fog of my frustration and feelings.

this post is dedicated to people that i love,

to the people who are and have been important to me at different parts along my journey.

you mean the world to me.

whether or not i've seen you recently,

whether or not we talk regularly,

you have been a part of God's work in making me who i am.

i love you, i promise.

my family: mom, dad, will, emily.

there is too much to say to say much here.

my love and support always, i love you all more than you know.

rachel:

my friend since she invited me to go bowling and sleep over at her house after the eighth grade dance, my constant car/bus companion for countless drives to smyrna which generally involved starbuck's or chick-fil-a, my thrift store shopping buddy, my source for good tunes, my second home in high school, the person who might know everything about me, my love.

elissa:

my middle school literacy friend who was nerdy alongside me, my freshman year of college roommate, my constant support, my late-night movies and sweets partner in crime, she has seen me at my best and at my worst, laughed with me and cried with me, shared her heart for Jesus with me, my love.

my ladyview loves: meredith, laura boldt, carlen, lauraline.

the beautiful women i have lived with for two years,

i can't say enough about the place i hold for them in my heart.

lora wong:

my dance friend since around the bananaphone era, my dance friend today, my sister in Christ, my love. (and i love that you call me laura elizabeth.)

gracie:

the girl i met when she first moved to marietta and thought, "i will be friends with this girl," the person i can count on to bring out the spontaneous in me, my road trip to greenville partner, she can make laugh anytime, my love.

my camp family:

the Lord has grown me so much through knowing you. i love how different you all are and yet how much we share in common.

my johnson ferry small group: jenny, carole ann, kathryn, katie, sarah, katherine, katie, courtney, jasmine, allison, hillary.

the girls i've shared hearts with for so many years, so many mission trips, and so many christmas parties. you have been such an encouragement in my walk with Jesus, and i am so thankful for each of you.

the girlie posse:

the girls who loved me during some of my weirdest moments in life. thank you for the best summer-before-high-school a girl could ask for.

my ib family:

the people i took all my classes with, ate all my lunches with, went to all the football games with, the people who were pulling all the same all-nighters i was and who were taking all the same tests as i was, the people who are part of some of my favorite memories.

i am going to stop since it feels like this post has turned into a series of yearbook entries.

but hey, a girl can be sentimental every now and then, right?

love, laura.

today's delicious lunch

turkey and extra sharp white cheddar on dark pumpernickel,

with avocado, tomato, and mayo.

blueberries, garden salsa sunchips, a pickle, and a coke.

so good!

i just want to dance to this song

wait--i'm alone
sitting on this rooftop, looking down at the town below
stop, you caught me by surprise
it's strange how Your glory can be seen in a firefly

and the night is drawing near
i dream about You as the lightning storm appears
and the more i know of You, the more it's clear that

i never know, i never know
what You're gonna to say
i could never know, i could never know
a mystery that way
You're pulsing like a steady heartbeat
rising like a flame towards the sky
You, You cut the night

what's this--this is something new
there is a deeper beauty in this quiet side of You
God, You're soft, soft to the touch
as i run my fingers through these fields that i love so much
You're an evening song, and i'm desperately in love

i try to catch You like a falling star
but what kind of God could i contain in my jar?
oh, i feel You moving, moving through this land
and i kiss the traces of Your unseen hand

...flickering and luminescent,
moving through the universe,
You're like a firefly

-firefly, audrey assad

listen to it here: http://www.myspace.com/audreyassadsings

the terrible not knowing

To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don’t know.

I feel as though I’ve spent almost the last year of my life trying to wrestle with the future – or maybe to wrestle with God about the future. I’ve prayed, waited, listened… and yet, I still feel unsure. I feel pressure to decide quickly, pressure to have an answered prepared to the ever-dreaded question of, “And what are you going to do with that degree?” It seems I’ve spent most of college content with the amorphous “I’m not sure yet,” but now is that moment where that answer no longer suffices for those around me.

I feel called to France; I feel certainly called to France. I guess it’s the determination of when and where and how that I’m hung up on. I have options – they have always been there – but it seems this process has involved slowly ruling out things I’m not supposed to so. I haven’t gotten to the things the Lord meant me for. I ruled out teaching abroad. I feel called to ministry in France. My most promising prospect at the moment is YWAM, but I really want to interact with, to love on, and to be involved with the church in France. I don’t know how much of this will happen during the classroom setting of a DTS. And there it ends, for the most part.

I fear leaving the States. I fear leaving my family. Emily will be going on 16, and I love her as myself. I fear leaving my friendships, my potential to get married… I feel that all these things are here. I fear that I will be forever lonely, or never have a job that pays, or never be any good at ministry. I fear I will lose dancing. I fear I will lose my confidence. I fear my own self, as all of my frustrations and doubts seem to have bubbled to the surface of my consistently flawed faith in Jesus, and all in the last few months. When faced with such uncertainty, I realize that I am seeing myself as I truly am – “oh, me of little faith.”

I have thought about interning at Wesley, I have thought about doing the CORE at camp, I have thought about getting a waitressing job before applying to graduate school for foreign language education, and I have thought about enrolling in floral design school (yes, I’m completely serious). What I find myself wondering, in the end, is whether not going to France in this next year might be in the cards for me. I refuse to abandon France altogether – I know the Lord will have me there somehow. I just wonder whether this is the time. I wonder if there is even a specific time at all. Nothing seems to be working the way I thought it would. Nothing is nearly as exciting as I had imagined. All these “doors” that I thought would open are just floating out in space. I generally just say that that is my fault for not taking enough initiative. And so I ask myself, “Is this the time for France? And if I don’t go this year, will the Lord be disappointed in me? Will I have failed?”

I know the Lord has already worked things together for me, but I wonder how much more guidance I can ask for from Him. Am I missing the point completely? Has He showed me His will clearly or is it just not yet the time for me to know? I feel my life slowly filling with confusion and emptying of excitement about the future. It’s hard for me to look forward to graduation (even though my tassels are pretty) when I feel lost about what comes after camp this summer.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more immature, weak, or helpless in my life. When I look around, I see friends and acquaintances and strangers who aren’t in their last year of college, and all I feel is envy. I want that freedom, the freedom to be able to say “I don’t really know yet.” And though I could’ve graduated in December, I decided to stick around for this last semester, hoping and trusting that through it, the Lord would provide me some answers, some time, and some peace. And though I still trust the Lord with all of this, I am frustrated. Though I am found in Christ, it’s hard not to feel lost.

I am tired of asking what I should do and where I should go and what I should be. Instead, I want to be wholly focused on the Lord. And in that, I will hope that the rest will follow in God’s time. So this is my prayer: Jesus, be all that I need. Remind me that without You, I have nothing, and that with You, I have everything.

sometimes, i just want to dance

"On with the dance! let joy be unconfin'd"
-Lord Byron

"gone away"

i've been tracing my steps
in fingerprint clues
and clips of the news
wondering why in our lives
the wind calls our name
and we're never the same

-lucy schwartz

thank you, elissa ewald, for today's musical fix.

yesterdays and todays

my comfort in suffering is this: Your promise gives me life.
[psalm 119.50]

snow cream

today i spent time with my lovely roommates, ate snow cream, and enjoyed taking pictures.