sometimes it is much easier to blog when i only have a few things on my mind. those are times when i am focused and i know what to say. there are other times, like the past week or so, when i have SO many things on my mind, heart, and soul that i don't know how to even begin.
so, for today, a list format will do.
here are some of the things i have thought about, prayed for, wrestled with, rejoiced in, and been taught this week, in no particular order:
-the Holy Spirit, receiving Him, baptism of Him, Him being in me vs. upon me
-frustration, insecurity, inadequacy
-annointing for ministry and edification
-spiritual gifts, prayer languages (tongues), the spirit of discernment
-what is worship, dancing before the Lord, glory, being bold in spirit, being at the foot of the throne in worship, seeing the Lord's feet!
-God's holiness in view of my sinfulness
-calling to missions, France
-letting God into areas of past hurt, bitterness
-my relationship to the Law, being a stumbling block
-the Lord Himself being the very reward i desire
-Voyage of the Dawn Treader and Eustice's dragon skin coming off
-loving the Lord so much that my heart gets destroyed... in a good way
yes, i know. a lot to think about for one week!
7.18.2010
7.14.2010
found in You
walking, stumbling, on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen.
i am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began.
-brooke fraser
toward home, a land that i've never seen.
i am changing, less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began.
-brooke fraser
7.03.2010
i was a little girl
today, twenty-one years ago, a very special person was born. her name is elissa, and she is my friend. she shines the light of Jesus. and i love her.
we like georgia football.
we like playing in leaves.
freshman year we would decorate our door.
we like crawfish parties and rachel!
we like matching and waterfalls and making weird faces.
and just being together.
we like georgia football.
we like playing in leaves.
freshman year we would decorate our door.
we like crawfish parties and rachel!
we like matching and waterfalls and making weird faces.and just being together.
7.02.2010
life barrels on like a runaway train
i love reading the obituaries. really and truly. i love the celebration of life in their stories, their families, their passions. they remind me that God meant for life to have seasons, that there is a time for everything under heaven. they remind me that being young is okay, and that growing up is okay too. they remind me that the Lord meant for me to get older and for me to change in this time frame. i cannot fall behind on His plan. i am in step with His season.
here are a few examples from yesterday's ajc that i think are awesome:
"He served with the U.S. Army in Northern Africa and Sicily during World War II as Sergeant in the Signal Corp."
"He was a Girl Scout leader for his daughters and a Boy Scout leader for his son."
"He was known as a kind, gentle man with a passion for details... He was an active, enthusiastic, and well-respected ambassador for baseball and for the many organizations to which he belonged."
"She was well known for all the good food she prepared and delivered to the sick in her community... Her homemade vegetable soup had the reputation of being more healing than a doctor's visit and her chocolate cakes were to die for. All who knew her were blessed with unconditional love and will miss her sweet smile and wonderful hugs."
"After the death of his wife, he had a prayer garden put in between the two church buildings in memory of her and his son."
"She was married for 73 years to her sweetheart and best friend."
"He and his wife served the Lord in ministry for more than 50 years... He had a heartfelt love for the Lord and was a loving father and grandfather."
here are a few examples from yesterday's ajc that i think are awesome:
"He served with the U.S. Army in Northern Africa and Sicily during World War II as Sergeant in the Signal Corp."
"He was a Girl Scout leader for his daughters and a Boy Scout leader for his son."
"He was known as a kind, gentle man with a passion for details... He was an active, enthusiastic, and well-respected ambassador for baseball and for the many organizations to which he belonged."
"She was well known for all the good food she prepared and delivered to the sick in her community... Her homemade vegetable soup had the reputation of being more healing than a doctor's visit and her chocolate cakes were to die for. All who knew her were blessed with unconditional love and will miss her sweet smile and wonderful hugs."
"After the death of his wife, he had a prayer garden put in between the two church buildings in memory of her and his son."
"She was married for 73 years to her sweetheart and best friend."
"He and his wife served the Lord in ministry for more than 50 years... He had a heartfelt love for the Lord and was a loving father and grandfather."
7.01.2010
tattered shoes outside your door
i often walk the earth assuming the world is out to get me. and in a way, i suppose it is. but this isn't exactly what i mean right now.
today i had a minor realization that i am often inclined to think that everyone intends to hurt me, that everyone i meet is just scheming these grand plans to use me, break my heart, and destroy me. but since God has given me a rational mind to think and to understand (some things), i make use of it and therefore know that this isn't the case. yet still i treat people with this assumption in mind: i think through what i say; i am careful not to reveal too much; i try to keep my feelings from my sleeve, their natural habitat.
these are not bad decisions. the Lord has grown me to have a lot more discernment about the things i say and do. but there is a big difference between wisdom and fear, and i am coming to terms with the fact that i often live in the latter. my heart falsely accuses the people i know, even the people i care deeply about sometimes, and i guard myself because i am afraid of being hurt.
there are several things wrong with my behavior. its basis is false in that no one is sitting around, waiting to manipulate my weakness. and as for those who do hurt me, who have and who will hurt me… they do so unintentionally. none of them have calculated a plan to hurt me and then carried it out methodically. believing this is letting the enemy get a foothold in my life; believing this is not walking in faith in Christ; believing this is trusting no one, which includes Jesus at times. also, by behaving this way i can prevent myself from building genuine relationships with others, something the Lord calls me to do in christian community. sometimes i wonder why i feel like no one knows me very well. and then i remember that i often don’t give others the chance.
it is a funny thing to realize that, after so many years behaving as an extrovert, i am very much an introvert. i find now that building relationships requires a lot more of me than it used to. it requires the Lord’s strength most of the time.
it is a funny thing to feel yourself changing. some days, it’s like growing into a new skin. or maybe it’s like realizing one morning that your shoes are too tight, that all of your toes are smashed together at the end. it kind of hurts to walk.
but the neat thing about changing is that i am growing. when my shoes get too tight, it means i get a new pair, like on those shopping days we used to have growing up in august for all of our back-to-school necessities. new shoes were always on the agenda, and it was always exciting. at the shoe store, i would spend a long time looking at all of the shoes, assessing their material, style, and of course, color. i would get two pairs of shoes every year. one pair were athletic shoes for p.e., and i always chose nikes. the other pair were keds, nice and white and new and some years, they even came with little accessories in the box, like beads to string on your shoelaces. yes, i was always thrilled about the keds.
growing means a new pair of keds. and growing in the Lord means all kinds of new things. a new attitude, a new behavior, new words and thoughts and deeds. a new understanding of who He is, of what is good, of what He desires for me. a new mind and a new spirit. a new heart.
i have not yet figured out the most graceful ways to move through change. i often do it with stumbling, and i am inevitably unbalanced in the process. it’s hard for me to change without taking things to the extreme. if God says, “guard your heart more carefully, be wise in what you say and do,” i build a fortress around it. with a drawbridge and a moat and alligators. completely unnecessary. too much. but i am often weak in mind and feeble in thought and frail in heart. and sometimes, i just can’t seem to find the middle portion of the continuum.
what can i say. i’m learning.
today i had a minor realization that i am often inclined to think that everyone intends to hurt me, that everyone i meet is just scheming these grand plans to use me, break my heart, and destroy me. but since God has given me a rational mind to think and to understand (some things), i make use of it and therefore know that this isn't the case. yet still i treat people with this assumption in mind: i think through what i say; i am careful not to reveal too much; i try to keep my feelings from my sleeve, their natural habitat.
these are not bad decisions. the Lord has grown me to have a lot more discernment about the things i say and do. but there is a big difference between wisdom and fear, and i am coming to terms with the fact that i often live in the latter. my heart falsely accuses the people i know, even the people i care deeply about sometimes, and i guard myself because i am afraid of being hurt.
there are several things wrong with my behavior. its basis is false in that no one is sitting around, waiting to manipulate my weakness. and as for those who do hurt me, who have and who will hurt me… they do so unintentionally. none of them have calculated a plan to hurt me and then carried it out methodically. believing this is letting the enemy get a foothold in my life; believing this is not walking in faith in Christ; believing this is trusting no one, which includes Jesus at times. also, by behaving this way i can prevent myself from building genuine relationships with others, something the Lord calls me to do in christian community. sometimes i wonder why i feel like no one knows me very well. and then i remember that i often don’t give others the chance.
it is a funny thing to realize that, after so many years behaving as an extrovert, i am very much an introvert. i find now that building relationships requires a lot more of me than it used to. it requires the Lord’s strength most of the time.
it is a funny thing to feel yourself changing. some days, it’s like growing into a new skin. or maybe it’s like realizing one morning that your shoes are too tight, that all of your toes are smashed together at the end. it kind of hurts to walk.
but the neat thing about changing is that i am growing. when my shoes get too tight, it means i get a new pair, like on those shopping days we used to have growing up in august for all of our back-to-school necessities. new shoes were always on the agenda, and it was always exciting. at the shoe store, i would spend a long time looking at all of the shoes, assessing their material, style, and of course, color. i would get two pairs of shoes every year. one pair were athletic shoes for p.e., and i always chose nikes. the other pair were keds, nice and white and new and some years, they even came with little accessories in the box, like beads to string on your shoelaces. yes, i was always thrilled about the keds.
growing means a new pair of keds. and growing in the Lord means all kinds of new things. a new attitude, a new behavior, new words and thoughts and deeds. a new understanding of who He is, of what is good, of what He desires for me. a new mind and a new spirit. a new heart.
i have not yet figured out the most graceful ways to move through change. i often do it with stumbling, and i am inevitably unbalanced in the process. it’s hard for me to change without taking things to the extreme. if God says, “guard your heart more carefully, be wise in what you say and do,” i build a fortress around it. with a drawbridge and a moat and alligators. completely unnecessary. too much. but i am often weak in mind and feeble in thought and frail in heart. and sometimes, i just can’t seem to find the middle portion of the continuum.
what can i say. i’m learning.
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