mercy has found me

I thank Chist Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me, because He considered me faithful, putting me into service, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent aggressor. Yet I was shown mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief; and the grace of our Lord was more than abundant, with the faith and love which are found in Christ Jesus. It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for life eternal.

Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory, forever and ever. Amen.

1 Timothy 1:12-17

throw it in reverse

Sometimes I forget that I am no longer a junior in high school. (Seventeen was a very good year.) I forget that then, I was the chattiest person I knew. I told everyone all my own secrets. I forget that then, I was finally, slowly, developing a social aspect to my life. I forget that then, everything seemed new: friends, driving, very little sleep, college, music, life, missions. I forget that I was very much the same person then that I am now. And I forget that I am a completely different person now than I was then.

Sometimes I forget that I am no longer a freshman in college. (A hard year.) I forget that I have lost that bitter taste in my mouth that I carried when I was nineteen. (Well, at least the constant biting bitterness that I refused to let fall.) I forget that I no longer treat my friends so badly, in the way I did then. I forget that my circumstances have changed. I forget that then I had more free time, more free spirits, but less freedom in the Lord. I forget that I once said whatever was on my mind: honesty is the best policy...right? I forget that back then I thought I knew it all. Now I feel I know so very little.

Sometimes I find it hard living in my present, where I am. Sometimes I view my circumstances in their previous context, the way I remember them originally, instead of their current one. I sometimes find I still see people, events, ideas, the way I used to. As if they haven't changed with time. As if they've been crystallized there. As if I am permitted to change but they are not. This view leads to frustration, misunderstanding... I see things as they were and myself as I am. Instead of things as they were, I as I was. And things as they are, I as I am.

Sometimes I forget, or intentionally ignore, that God has brought me along for His ride. Sometimes I forget that God has done the changing in me, in my life, in the people I care about. Sometimes I miss the point. That the Lord has me right where He wants me. That I don't need to worry about what's passed and who's changed. Sometimes others should be my concern. But other times, I can push this to the side. Because my only concern should be Jesus Christ, Him crucified, and what that means in me.

Some days, I feel intensely lost. Completely alone. And misunderstood. Despite the prayer, the begging and pleading, the tears, there I am, desperate and hungry, yet completely unable to feed myself. I am helpless, dirty. Face to the dust. And still, wherever I am, there I am. And wherever I am, there He is.

france, je t'aime

A passion of mine.

Less than 1% evangelical.
30% atheist, 10% Muslim.
6-8% attend church regularly.
80% do not own a Bible.

www.prayforfrance.org

"France is poised for revival"
March 7-27: 21 days to change a nation.

in need and receiving provision

I need the Lord to give me the grace to do my school work... this is difficult already. I am struggling to muster up the motivation to open my books and to read articles. The beginning-of-the-semester excitement that is usually so normal and present during the first couple of weeks is nowhere to be found. Even the things I once was interested in seem unimportant to me now. I really just want to spend time with the Lord, which can't be a bad thing, but does make earning a degree difficult. Or not so much difficult as it is painful. I can tell already that I'm going to need a great deal of the Lord's strength and His unchanging grace to get through this semester. He is pouring it out on me; and I know I will need it consistently for the next few months. School and work are a struggle right now, but the Lord is my great Provider.

every time it rains it rains pennies from heaven.

Thanksgiving was perfect. I love my family. I love playing Clue, seeing Dad get so excited over frying a turkey, and cooking with Mom. I love day-long road-trips and hours upon hours spent in a Sonic parking lot in Alexander City, Alabama. I love peeking over to-go bags with Will for a solid four minutes at Outback. I love sharing Icees with Emily at the movie theater and making it awkward by always going in for the straw at the exact time she does. I love how we always buy our Christmas tree all together. I love my siblings, especially because they give in and finally allow such a picture to happen:

oh, how I love them.

eternity is set in my heart.

It's funny, how this works. It seems the more "educated" I become-- (what does this word educated even mean? A lot of different things, a lot of contradictory things...)--the more I realize that I have so many things to learn. That there is so much out there that I know nothing about and so much that I want to know, to see, to read. I read about these ideas-- distributive justice, social compact, cosmopolitanism--ideas that I didn't even realize, or maybe I didn't acknowledge, existed, manifested themselves in others' genious minds, brains, seeming to work at a million miles per hour. A million miles to go, a million hours to do it. A million ways to get there, a million steps, or maybe like five million as a thru-hiker, a two-thousand miler on the Appalachian Trail. I wish it was me, I want it to be me, taking those five million steps, up peaks and down slopes, climbing and crevicing. My soul cleaving just as rock and then being fused again. But I wonder, somehow, if I am capable. If these five million steps, two thousand miles, were meant for me or meant only for my classroom reveries, for my wandering mind, for my lack of concentration on a book, on a novel I do care about but do not wish to discuss. Instead I take these fifty minutes to write a million words (or not, I wish), to try to make sense of a sense of adventure deep in the wells of my soul's desire that seems so real yet so strongly at odds with a fear. Less a fear of the wild, less a fear of the elements than a fear of man. A fear of failure, a fear of incompletion, a fear that at the end of my life I will have done things, I will have done the Lord's will, but that all of these things will remain vastly unfinished. Unrefined, not beautiful at all. God makes all things beautiful in His time, and I so want my life to be one of these things, and even though I'm sure that my wanderings will be made beautiful, I fear that only God will see this beauty and that no one else will get that, and even though that's all that really matters, God glorified, I still fear ugliness. I fear the lack of the aesthetic. I fear that my adventure will not be pleasing to the eye, I want five million beautiful steps, not just some dirt under my shoes. I know the Lord has this for me. He knows I want dirt under my toenails.

note to self, regarding vegan cheese...

investigate before purchasing. do not buy the one i bought at kroger. here are some crucial reasons why:

(1) taste: it tastes like nothing. nothing at all.
(2) form: it may melt like cheese, but it doesn't stay melted. it hardens quickly.
(3) consistency: it is rubbery and chewy. bleh.
(4) capability: it bounces. yes, it bounces when it hits the floor.

needless to say, i hear there are some very good vegan cheeses out there. apparently just not the kind i purchased.