what i'm trying to say

i love to feel and hate to feel.
i want to know and don't.
in the balancing act of senior year
i'm feel like i'm tumbling
free falling into a world i don't know.

this is not my home
and you aren't either.
(and neither is
compassion or friendship
or love or marriage
or simplicity or settling down
or spontaneity or the open road)

i feel i'm already packing up
putting things in my little heart
hoping i can keep them there.
there;
a place i can't see
and can't explain,
whose fullness knows You only.

You never promised easy
You did promise Your spirit
so where does my loneliness fit?

i listen but i never speak
(talking is harder these days)
i speak but never say
what i really mean.
i say but it never sounds
quite like it did when i said it to You first.

You first;
You second;
You third.

You always hear,
You're never shocked.
but i think You like my sharing
all the same.

i hope You understand me
i hope You know my heart is for You
even when i feel this way.
(when confusion is my echo
and uncertainty is my shadow)
still You are my song
i will sing You in these lonely streets
i will sing You with my windows down
(sunroof open, eyes to the sky)
i will sing You in my loudest voice
i will sing You in my quiet rooms
i will sing You ever, always, now
for You have set my imprisoned heart free
and Your love sets my feet on fire.

i close my eyes and take a breath

perfection has a price
but i cannot afford to live that life
it always ends the same
a fight i never win

oh, control
it's time
time to let you go

there were scars before my scars
love written on the hands that hung the stars
hope living in the blood that was spilled for me

oh, control
it's time
time to let you go

-jj heller, control

from psalm 16

preserve me, oh God
for i take refuge in You
i said to the Lord, "You are my Lord"
i have no good besides You
---
the Lord is the portion of my inheritance and my cup
You support my lot
the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places
indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me
---
i have set the Lord continually before me
because He is at my right hand,
i will not be shaken
therefore my heart is glad
and my glory rejoices
my flesh also will dwell securely
---
You will make known to me the path of life
in Your presence is the fullness of joy
in Your right hand there are pleasures forever

interesting fact #1

[i love small things.]

i love trinkets.

i love picking them up.

i love putting them in tins, or boxes, or jars.

i love thinking of how unique they are.

i love thinking of where they've been and what they've seen.

"be faithful in small things

because it is in them that your strength lies."

-mother teresa