[people i love]

the word on the street is that my blog is depressing.

thus, i am making a concerted effort to make it reflect

the abundant joy that is in my life,

which i often forget to blog about in the fog of my frustration and feelings.

this post is dedicated to people that i love,

to the people who are and have been important to me at different parts along my journey.

you mean the world to me.

whether or not i've seen you recently,

whether or not we talk regularly,

you have been a part of God's work in making me who i am.

i love you, i promise.

my family: mom, dad, will, emily.

there is too much to say to say much here.

my love and support always, i love you all more than you know.

rachel:

my friend since she invited me to go bowling and sleep over at her house after the eighth grade dance, my constant car/bus companion for countless drives to smyrna which generally involved starbuck's or chick-fil-a, my thrift store shopping buddy, my source for good tunes, my second home in high school, the person who might know everything about me, my love.

elissa:

my middle school literacy friend who was nerdy alongside me, my freshman year of college roommate, my constant support, my late-night movies and sweets partner in crime, she has seen me at my best and at my worst, laughed with me and cried with me, shared her heart for Jesus with me, my love.

my ladyview loves: meredith, laura boldt, carlen, lauraline.

the beautiful women i have lived with for two years,

i can't say enough about the place i hold for them in my heart.

lora wong:

my dance friend since around the bananaphone era, my dance friend today, my sister in Christ, my love. (and i love that you call me laura elizabeth.)

gracie:

the girl i met when she first moved to marietta and thought, "i will be friends with this girl," the person i can count on to bring out the spontaneous in me, my road trip to greenville partner, she can make laugh anytime, my love.

my camp family:

the Lord has grown me so much through knowing you. i love how different you all are and yet how much we share in common.

my johnson ferry small group: jenny, carole ann, kathryn, katie, sarah, katherine, katie, courtney, jasmine, allison, hillary.

the girls i've shared hearts with for so many years, so many mission trips, and so many christmas parties. you have been such an encouragement in my walk with Jesus, and i am so thankful for each of you.

the girlie posse:

the girls who loved me during some of my weirdest moments in life. thank you for the best summer-before-high-school a girl could ask for.

my ib family:

the people i took all my classes with, ate all my lunches with, went to all the football games with, the people who were pulling all the same all-nighters i was and who were taking all the same tests as i was, the people who are part of some of my favorite memories.

i am going to stop since it feels like this post has turned into a series of yearbook entries.

but hey, a girl can be sentimental every now and then, right?

love, laura.

today's delicious lunch

turkey and extra sharp white cheddar on dark pumpernickel,

with avocado, tomato, and mayo.

blueberries, garden salsa sunchips, a pickle, and a coke.

so good!

i just want to dance to this song

wait--i'm alone
sitting on this rooftop, looking down at the town below
stop, you caught me by surprise
it's strange how Your glory can be seen in a firefly

and the night is drawing near
i dream about You as the lightning storm appears
and the more i know of You, the more it's clear that

i never know, i never know
what You're gonna to say
i could never know, i could never know
a mystery that way
You're pulsing like a steady heartbeat
rising like a flame towards the sky
You, You cut the night

what's this--this is something new
there is a deeper beauty in this quiet side of You
God, You're soft, soft to the touch
as i run my fingers through these fields that i love so much
You're an evening song, and i'm desperately in love

i try to catch You like a falling star
but what kind of God could i contain in my jar?
oh, i feel You moving, moving through this land
and i kiss the traces of Your unseen hand

...flickering and luminescent,
moving through the universe,
You're like a firefly

-firefly, audrey assad

listen to it here: http://www.myspace.com/audreyassadsings

the terrible not knowing

To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don’t know.

I feel as though I’ve spent almost the last year of my life trying to wrestle with the future – or maybe to wrestle with God about the future. I’ve prayed, waited, listened… and yet, I still feel unsure. I feel pressure to decide quickly, pressure to have an answered prepared to the ever-dreaded question of, “And what are you going to do with that degree?” It seems I’ve spent most of college content with the amorphous “I’m not sure yet,” but now is that moment where that answer no longer suffices for those around me.

I feel called to France; I feel certainly called to France. I guess it’s the determination of when and where and how that I’m hung up on. I have options – they have always been there – but it seems this process has involved slowly ruling out things I’m not supposed to so. I haven’t gotten to the things the Lord meant me for. I ruled out teaching abroad. I feel called to ministry in France. My most promising prospect at the moment is YWAM, but I really want to interact with, to love on, and to be involved with the church in France. I don’t know how much of this will happen during the classroom setting of a DTS. And there it ends, for the most part.

I fear leaving the States. I fear leaving my family. Emily will be going on 16, and I love her as myself. I fear leaving my friendships, my potential to get married… I feel that all these things are here. I fear that I will be forever lonely, or never have a job that pays, or never be any good at ministry. I fear I will lose dancing. I fear I will lose my confidence. I fear my own self, as all of my frustrations and doubts seem to have bubbled to the surface of my consistently flawed faith in Jesus, and all in the last few months. When faced with such uncertainty, I realize that I am seeing myself as I truly am – “oh, me of little faith.”

I have thought about interning at Wesley, I have thought about doing the CORE at camp, I have thought about getting a waitressing job before applying to graduate school for foreign language education, and I have thought about enrolling in floral design school (yes, I’m completely serious). What I find myself wondering, in the end, is whether not going to France in this next year might be in the cards for me. I refuse to abandon France altogether – I know the Lord will have me there somehow. I just wonder whether this is the time. I wonder if there is even a specific time at all. Nothing seems to be working the way I thought it would. Nothing is nearly as exciting as I had imagined. All these “doors” that I thought would open are just floating out in space. I generally just say that that is my fault for not taking enough initiative. And so I ask myself, “Is this the time for France? And if I don’t go this year, will the Lord be disappointed in me? Will I have failed?”

I know the Lord has already worked things together for me, but I wonder how much more guidance I can ask for from Him. Am I missing the point completely? Has He showed me His will clearly or is it just not yet the time for me to know? I feel my life slowly filling with confusion and emptying of excitement about the future. It’s hard for me to look forward to graduation (even though my tassels are pretty) when I feel lost about what comes after camp this summer.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more immature, weak, or helpless in my life. When I look around, I see friends and acquaintances and strangers who aren’t in their last year of college, and all I feel is envy. I want that freedom, the freedom to be able to say “I don’t really know yet.” And though I could’ve graduated in December, I decided to stick around for this last semester, hoping and trusting that through it, the Lord would provide me some answers, some time, and some peace. And though I still trust the Lord with all of this, I am frustrated. Though I am found in Christ, it’s hard not to feel lost.

I am tired of asking what I should do and where I should go and what I should be. Instead, I want to be wholly focused on the Lord. And in that, I will hope that the rest will follow in God’s time. So this is my prayer: Jesus, be all that I need. Remind me that without You, I have nothing, and that with You, I have everything.

sometimes, i just want to dance

"On with the dance! let joy be unconfin'd"
-Lord Byron

"gone away"

i've been tracing my steps
in fingerprint clues
and clips of the news
wondering why in our lives
the wind calls our name
and we're never the same

-lucy schwartz

thank you, elissa ewald, for today's musical fix.

yesterdays and todays

my comfort in suffering is this: Your promise gives me life.
[psalm 119.50]