not your year

lately, i've been finding it really difficult to write, to post, and, at times, to think. sorting out my feelings has been a struggle lately, which is unusual for me, and controlling some of them has been harder. i have felt, in the last few months, my frustration welling inside of me - frustration mainly concerning things i cannot control and cannot change, and some concerning things i've messed up all by myself. this frustration hasn't become tears as it tends to. it has built up, morphing often into anger, discontentment, selfishness, and jealousy.

as i take these frustrations and their sources to the Lord i often wonder if He really hears, and if He does, why He doesn't change things for me. i find myself so upset with God, wondering why it sometimes feels as if He has taken away everything important, everything i need to survive. and so often, i forget that He has not taken away Himself, the only thing. He intends my good, and i often don't see it in the moments of being brought to nothing, of being only the bones of what i feel i once was. but just because i don't feel it doesn't mean it isn't there. just because i can't understand His ways doesn't make them any less perfect or any less right. i am learning to choose to trust, to be patient, to accept loss, to be okay without so many things i feel i need. but God, who knows me intimately and loves me deeply, knows what i really need. He is showing me what i actually need, and though i am frustrated at times by His method, it is, of course, working on my heart.

thanks Jesus, for knowing what's good for me, even when i don't.