everything is Yours

A lot has happened since I've returned from France. I've seen roommates in Roswell, spent time with best friends in Athens and at home, spent time with camp friends in Charleston, had family from Florida come for Thanksgiving. My little sister turned sixteen. (Crazy.) I've been to two Falcons games with my dad. I've run tons of errands and done some cleaning with my mom, which is some of my favorite time we get to spend together, just being in the car, doing whatever and talking. UGA beat Georgia Tech and took the SEC East. I saw Needtobreathe in concert, and it was incredible.

On the "well-that's-nice-but-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life-and-what-about-your-future" note, the Lord's hand was definitely in my going to France (I knew it before, but it's nice to see it in hindsight too). Being in France reminded me of why I majored in French, of why I love speaking French, of why I love the French language, French literature, French history, French culture. It was so nice to live and dress and walk and think in French. Even though I felt clumsy and unnatural and awkward and overly American at first, it came to feel very natural. So much so, I suppose, that my English was incredibly jumbled in my mind and, at times, difficult to speak when I returned home. Being there, it was as if all of my French classes were coming to life in front of me, and it was exciting. It was that moment when you realize that you've learned something in college, and not only something useful, but also something that you love.

So, I'm four days out from taking the GRE (boo for standardized testing) and not too far from completing my application. Graduate school, here I come! (Well, hopefully.) I've known since about halfway through college that I wouldn't be done with school after my undergraduate degree (I think I love learning too much), but I wasn't really sure when or where or how that would happen. Now, I'm planning on getting my Masters degree in French. To do what, you ask? I've decided I don't have to know right this second. Right now I'm thinking teaching, but it's not my only option. Ministry is still on the table too. But for now, I really feel that this is where the Lord is leading me. It may seem silly, getting more education when I could be out doing something that seems, from the other side, a lot more productive. But for me, this is the next step. I don't know where God is taking me in the long run, but this is where He is taking me now. So here's to hoping for an acceptance letter come spring!

And with all this excitement also comes change. Letting go, moving on, saying goodbye. Yesterday my best friend of ten years, Rachel, left to begin her service in the Peace Corps as a health educator. She's going to spend over two years in Guinea, in West Africa, which means that, as far as I know right now, I won't see her again until February of 2014, when we are both twenty-five. It's a weird feeling, to be so excited for someone that you want to burst and, at the same time, to feel that all you want is for her to not be so far away.

Spending Friday night with her, right after Thanksgiving, as we were lying in her bed next to each other, trying to fall asleep as we've done at least a hundred times before, I just kept thinking of how thankful I was that God had given me such a good friend for such a long time. And I was reminded of the bridge of a long-time loved worship song that gets me every time: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." I have cried over so many things just trying to muster those words, knowing how hard it is to be okay with God's divine sovereignty, with His choice to take things away. I was reminded that I needed to be thankful to God even though I felt I was losing her for awhile. God is still so good, He is still the perfect Father, He is still the Giver of all things. Job knew this as he asked his wife, "Are we only going to accept the good things from God and not the hard things too?" (Yes, that is my personal paraphrasing.) I remembered how important it is to hold the gifts He gives us loosely, knowing that all things are from Him and through Him and to Him, just as Rachel belongs to Him. She is His beautiful daughter. He is taking her on an amazing adventure, and I am so blessed to call her my friend, to watch her grow and change from afar.

I've been reminded this Thanksgiving season, through saying goodbye to Rachel and through many other avenues, that gratitude isn't about being thankful for the things we have. It's not about "I'm thankful that we can play Just Dance 3 on our Wii" (though it is super fun) or "I'm thankful for my opportunities and my education" or even "I'm thankful for my family and friends." It's great to recognize what wonderful blessings those things are. But our real gratitude it seems, should stem from our thankfulness to God for the gift of His love for us, that He has given us Himself and His Son, that He is who He says He is. Because even without all the things we go on about being thankful for, we would still have reason to praise Him. Because He is God and because He loves us forever.

I still feel I have a lot more things going on to share, but this seems enough for one post. In many ways, I feel I'm still a teenager, and in other ways I feel I am, in this season, growing into more of an adult, even as I live at home with my parents for a time. I think I am changing and growing, and that makes me excited. Though it's a (very, very, very) slow process, I'm hoping I'm starting to look a little bit more like Jesus. God, in His infinite grace toward me in this season, is truly the One to be thankful for.