To tell you the truth, sometimes I just don’t know.
I feel as though I’ve spent almost the last year of my life trying to wrestle with the future – or maybe to wrestle with God about the future. I’ve prayed, waited, listened… and yet, I still feel unsure. I feel pressure to decide quickly, pressure to have an answered prepared to the ever-dreaded question of, “And what are you going to do with that degree?” It seems I’ve spent most of college content with the amorphous “I’m not sure yet,” but now is that moment where that answer no longer suffices for those around me.
I feel called to France; I feel certainly called to France. I guess it’s the determination of when and where and how that I’m hung up on. I have options – they have always been there – but it seems this process has involved slowly ruling out things I’m not supposed to so. I haven’t gotten to the things the Lord meant me for. I ruled out teaching abroad. I feel called to ministry in France. My most promising prospect at the moment is YWAM, but I really want to interact with, to love on, and to be involved with the church in France. I don’t know how much of this will happen during the classroom setting of a DTS. And there it ends, for the most part.I fear leaving the States. I fear leaving my family. Emily will be going on 16, and I love her as myself. I fear leaving my friendships, my potential to get married… I feel that all these things are here. I fear that I will be forever lonely, or never have a job that pays, or never be any good at ministry. I fear I will lose dancing. I fear I will lose my confidence. I fear my own self, as all of my frustrations and doubts seem to have bubbled to the surface of my consistently flawed faith in Jesus, and all in the last few months. When faced with such uncertainty, I realize that I am seeing myself as I truly am – “oh, me of little faith.”
I have thought about interning at Wesley, I have thought about doing the CORE at camp, I have thought about getting a waitressing job before applying to graduate school for foreign language education, and I have thought about enrolling in floral design school (yes, I’m completely serious). What I find myself wondering, in the end, is whether not going to France in this next year might be in the cards for me. I refuse to abandon France altogether – I know the Lord will have me there somehow. I just wonder whether this is the time. I wonder if there is even a specific time at all. Nothing seems to be working the way I thought it would. Nothing is nearly as exciting as I had imagined. All these “doors” that I thought would open are just floating out in space. I generally just say that that is my fault for not taking enough initiative. And so I ask myself, “Is this the time for France? And if I don’t go this year, will the Lord be disappointed in me? Will I have failed?”
I know the Lord has already worked things together for me, but I wonder how much more guidance I can ask for from Him. Am I missing the point completely? Has He showed me His will clearly or is it just not yet the time for me to know? I feel my life slowly filling with confusion and emptying of excitement about the future. It’s hard for me to look forward to graduation (even though my tassels are pretty) when I feel lost about what comes after camp this summer.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt more immature, weak, or helpless in my life. When I look around, I see friends and acquaintances and strangers who aren’t in their last year of college, and all I feel is envy. I want that freedom, the freedom to be able to say “I don’t really know yet.” And though I could’ve graduated in December, I decided to stick around for this last semester, hoping and trusting that through it, the Lord would provide me some answers, some time, and some peace. And though I still trust the Lord with all of this, I am frustrated. Though I am found in Christ, it’s hard not to feel lost.
I am tired of asking what I should do and where I should go and what I should be. Instead, I want to be wholly focused on the Lord. And in that, I will hope that the rest will follow in God’s time. So this is my prayer: Jesus, be all that I need. Remind me that without You, I have nothing, and that with You, I have everything.
