not your year

lately, i've been finding it really difficult to write, to post, and, at times, to think. sorting out my feelings has been a struggle lately, which is unusual for me, and controlling some of them has been harder. i have felt, in the last few months, my frustration welling inside of me - frustration mainly concerning things i cannot control and cannot change, and some concerning things i've messed up all by myself. this frustration hasn't become tears as it tends to. it has built up, morphing often into anger, discontentment, selfishness, and jealousy.

as i take these frustrations and their sources to the Lord i often wonder if He really hears, and if He does, why He doesn't change things for me. i find myself so upset with God, wondering why it sometimes feels as if He has taken away everything important, everything i need to survive. and so often, i forget that He has not taken away Himself, the only thing. He intends my good, and i often don't see it in the moments of being brought to nothing, of being only the bones of what i feel i once was. but just because i don't feel it doesn't mean it isn't there. just because i can't understand His ways doesn't make them any less perfect or any less right. i am learning to choose to trust, to be patient, to accept loss, to be okay without so many things i feel i need. but God, who knows me intimately and loves me deeply, knows what i really need. He is showing me what i actually need, and though i am frustrated at times by His method, it is, of course, working on my heart.

thanks Jesus, for knowing what's good for me, even when i don't.

since december

much has happened.

my best friend came home from africa, i looked for a job, my family spent christmas together, i got offered a job, i made my first trip to colorado with laura boldt to see the arnolds, i took the job, i went to a summer camp staff reunion, i moved back to charleston, i started the job, i began learning about maritime forests and estuaries and seawhip corals and spotted salamanders and taking care of aquariums, i got into graduate school, and i'm now still trying to figure out the job, my life, my heart, what i think i need, what God says i need, what i want, what God wants, who i'm supposed to be...

but such is life.

God is so good, all the time. i am so thankful for Him and the things He is doing. i'm not always bursting with momentary happiness, but there is such true and incomprehensible joy in knowing Jesus. where His spirit is, there is freedom. from sin, from death, from the world.... His truth sets free, He breaks chains, even the ones i didn't know i had. God has not left me without a Redeemer, today or any day, for He has given me Jesus, the lamb who takes away the sins of the world.

"you are already clean because of the word which i have spoken to you." -john 15:3

made & blessedly restored

In this little thing I saw three attributes: the first is that God made it, the second is that He loves it, the third is that God cares for it. But what does that mean to me? Truly, the maker, the lover, the carer; for until I become one substance with Him, I can never have love, rest or true bliss; that is to say, until I am so bound to Him that there may be no created thing between my God and me. And who shall do this deed? Truly, Himself, by His mercy and His grace, for He has made me and blessedly restored me to that end.

-Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love.

rachel in guinea

a couple weeks before rachel left for guinea, we went to the park to take some pictures so that she could send out postcards telling everyone about her peace corps service and share her blog and new address. these aren't the shots she chose for the front of the cards, but they are some of my favorites from the afternoon.

isn't she just so beautiful?

everything is Yours

A lot has happened since I've returned from France. I've seen roommates in Roswell, spent time with best friends in Athens and at home, spent time with camp friends in Charleston, had family from Florida come for Thanksgiving. My little sister turned sixteen. (Crazy.) I've been to two Falcons games with my dad. I've run tons of errands and done some cleaning with my mom, which is some of my favorite time we get to spend together, just being in the car, doing whatever and talking. UGA beat Georgia Tech and took the SEC East. I saw Needtobreathe in concert, and it was incredible.

On the "well-that's-nice-but-what-are-you-doing-with-your-life-and-what-about-your-future" note, the Lord's hand was definitely in my going to France (I knew it before, but it's nice to see it in hindsight too). Being in France reminded me of why I majored in French, of why I love speaking French, of why I love the French language, French literature, French history, French culture. It was so nice to live and dress and walk and think in French. Even though I felt clumsy and unnatural and awkward and overly American at first, it came to feel very natural. So much so, I suppose, that my English was incredibly jumbled in my mind and, at times, difficult to speak when I returned home. Being there, it was as if all of my French classes were coming to life in front of me, and it was exciting. It was that moment when you realize that you've learned something in college, and not only something useful, but also something that you love.

So, I'm four days out from taking the GRE (boo for standardized testing) and not too far from completing my application. Graduate school, here I come! (Well, hopefully.) I've known since about halfway through college that I wouldn't be done with school after my undergraduate degree (I think I love learning too much), but I wasn't really sure when or where or how that would happen. Now, I'm planning on getting my Masters degree in French. To do what, you ask? I've decided I don't have to know right this second. Right now I'm thinking teaching, but it's not my only option. Ministry is still on the table too. But for now, I really feel that this is where the Lord is leading me. It may seem silly, getting more education when I could be out doing something that seems, from the other side, a lot more productive. But for me, this is the next step. I don't know where God is taking me in the long run, but this is where He is taking me now. So here's to hoping for an acceptance letter come spring!

And with all this excitement also comes change. Letting go, moving on, saying goodbye. Yesterday my best friend of ten years, Rachel, left to begin her service in the Peace Corps as a health educator. She's going to spend over two years in Guinea, in West Africa, which means that, as far as I know right now, I won't see her again until February of 2014, when we are both twenty-five. It's a weird feeling, to be so excited for someone that you want to burst and, at the same time, to feel that all you want is for her to not be so far away.

Spending Friday night with her, right after Thanksgiving, as we were lying in her bed next to each other, trying to fall asleep as we've done at least a hundred times before, I just kept thinking of how thankful I was that God had given me such a good friend for such a long time. And I was reminded of the bridge of a long-time loved worship song that gets me every time: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say, blessed be Your name." I have cried over so many things just trying to muster those words, knowing how hard it is to be okay with God's divine sovereignty, with His choice to take things away. I was reminded that I needed to be thankful to God even though I felt I was losing her for awhile. God is still so good, He is still the perfect Father, He is still the Giver of all things. Job knew this as he asked his wife, "Are we only going to accept the good things from God and not the hard things too?" (Yes, that is my personal paraphrasing.) I remembered how important it is to hold the gifts He gives us loosely, knowing that all things are from Him and through Him and to Him, just as Rachel belongs to Him. She is His beautiful daughter. He is taking her on an amazing adventure, and I am so blessed to call her my friend, to watch her grow and change from afar.

I've been reminded this Thanksgiving season, through saying goodbye to Rachel and through many other avenues, that gratitude isn't about being thankful for the things we have. It's not about "I'm thankful that we can play Just Dance 3 on our Wii" (though it is super fun) or "I'm thankful for my opportunities and my education" or even "I'm thankful for my family and friends." It's great to recognize what wonderful blessings those things are. But our real gratitude it seems, should stem from our thankfulness to God for the gift of His love for us, that He has given us Himself and His Son, that He is who He says He is. Because even without all the things we go on about being thankful for, we would still have reason to praise Him. Because He is God and because He loves us forever.

I still feel I have a lot more things going on to share, but this seems enough for one post. In many ways, I feel I'm still a teenager, and in other ways I feel I am, in this season, growing into more of an adult, even as I live at home with my parents for a time. I think I am changing and growing, and that makes me excited. Though it's a (very, very, very) slow process, I'm hoping I'm starting to look a little bit more like Jesus. God, in His infinite grace toward me in this season, is truly the One to be thankful for.

i miss this.

part of the post-grad experience involves missing college, missing campus, and missing the undergraduate lifestyle. another part, the harder part, is missing the people who you spent it with. looking back through pictures from last year, i've been reminded of how much i love and cherish and miss these girls, even though we now find ourselves in different corners of the state or different corners of the country. i love y'all more than you know!

outside of ladyview at carlen's bridal shower and a silly day at bowling class.

loving a person, sara groves

i have been listening to this song by sara groves over and over since rachel and i saw sara groves and audrey assad and jenny & tyler on sunday night.

"
hold on to me
and i'll hold on to you
let's find out
the beauty of seeing things through

loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
it's the whole thing
"

this song reminds me of how much God loves me, even though "loving me just the way i am" is no small thing. His love really is the whole thing.